BlackShoes WhiteSocks

The Lonestar State

2011-02-18T23:56:00.000-05:00

We're heading out to UBJ's side of the country. We'll be in Houston on Sunday for (hopefully) some warm weather and sunshine! We're hoping to hit up Galveston for Mardi Gras on the 25th.

We've never been to Texas, so we're excited! Pics upon our safe return!

Available in what?!?

2011-02-12T00:15:00.000-05:00

I was reading a magazine and it stated that a pair of shoes were available in "black" and "elephant".

What color is THAT?

Or is it a pattern?

Inquiring minds want to know.

The Joys of Motherhood...

2011-02-08T23:03:00.000-05:00

I am a worrier.

When I was pregnant, I worried that I would miscarry.

When he was born, I worried that he would die of SIDS.

When he had colic, I worried that I would have a nervous breakdown.

The worry never ends.

My son experienced a lot of changes in 2010. My mother, who was his go-to person for 14 years - left. Moved out of state 12 hours away for another grandbaby.

His dad who stopped us from moving and swore he would step up to the plate and be the dad he was supposed to be...sold me another book of unkept promises.

I always had my mom to help out, be the 2nd parent when I needed to be in two places at once or needed to work late or had a function. Now I have just me.

He went from middle school to high school. Tough transition for a lot of kids I'm sure. But we also moved 30 miles from our hometown, away from neighborhood friends, away from our familiar places to go, away from the place he grew up.

His dad disappeared again. We know where he is - he just doesn't participate.

My son is fast approaching 15.

Now I worry that he will make the wrong choices.

I worry that he is depressed or sad or lonely.

I worry that he will decide it was just too much change to deal with all at one time and look for an escape.

I worry that his sudden lack of effort in school will stunt his growth as a person, creating a domino effect that will change his entire future.

I worry that I'm not going to get through to him until it's too late.

Motherhood is not for the weak-hearted.

Single motherhood of a 15 year old boy...

I'll tell you, this is why parents want grandkids so bad. They want to go back to the easy days when the biggest worry was running out of goldfish crackers or grape juice.

It's the biggest worry and the most joyful experience all at the same time. When he's happy, I'm happy.

I just wish I knew how to motivate him.

I Didn't Know

2011-02-03T19:31:00.003-05:00

As I was catching up with old bloggers last night I discovered that our very beautiful, very talented and very beloved Nikki passed away over a year ago.

I still have tears running down my cheeks.

Nikki had a way of expressing herself that took you right into the room with her. She not only told the story, she brought the reader along for the ride.

My heartfelt condolences and prayers go out to Nikki's family and friends. The ones who knew her in real life and the ones who knew her as I did - here in the blogging world.

Rest in peace Ms. Nikki, we will always have a part of you right here with us, but you will most definitely be missed forever.

The One I Love

2011-02-02T22:16:00.005-05:00

I was reading some of my old posts and ran across the one from my last "meeting" with the one I love in 2008. December 27, 2008. That was the last time I saw him. I spent most of 2009 alone until the very end of the year when my son's father returned to the picture. Didn't I tell you he always comes back when I am at my most vulnerable? Damn him. But this post isn't about him.

The one I love and I kept in contact over the last two years. We talked every now and again. One way or another one of us would find a reason to call at least every few months. He told me "you know you have a special place in my heart".

When I was with him I was in such a hurry. Hurry and commit, hurry and get married, hurry and have a baby, hurry hurry hurry. He's just not that kind of guy. I laugh at myself now when I look back at my life & how much I was doing back then; how did I ever manage to find the time to do anything!?! I felt intense pressure to finish school, get married, have a baby and at 35, I knew my years for getting the baby in were running out. It wasn't just about the baby. I wanted the family. The husband, the kids, the craziness. I wanted it all. And I wanted him to give it to me.

Fast forward two years. December 10, 2010. He came by the new place, stepped into my foyer, wrapped his arms around me, gave me a quick kiss and handed me a bottle of champagne. Happy housewarming he said. Welcome home, I thought. We sat on the couch and talked for nearly 4 hours. We talked about our accomplishments, changes in career paths, kids, life, future goals. It was relaxed, unrushed, low pressure, happy, warm and full of love. We laughed and laughed some more. And then we kissed.

My god this man knows how to love me. In our usual fashion the clothes started coming off on the couch in the living room and finished next to the bed. It's always a funny walk of shame through the house looking for tossed or flung articles of clothing the next day... lol.

He spent the night holding me in his arms, warming my soul, giving me peace, easing my mind and fulfulling my dreams. I... still love this man.

I'm taking it slow this time around. No pressure to put a label on it. No pressure to get married. No pressure to have kids. The response I have received in return has been encouraging. I still feel his love for me...I'm still working on becoming the woman who believes she is worthy of it.

MIA - A Year In Review

2011-02-02T20:57:00.004-05:00

WOW. I cannot believe that it has been more than a year since I last posted. So much has been going on that I should have been writing about! So lets see if I have any followers that care.. lol.

2010 year in review:

Started to move out of state... my son's dad put the squash on that...he and I got back together for most of 2010...but it ended once again.

My son graduated from middle school and gave a graduation speech any parent would be proud of, I know I was!

I graduated from college with a Bachelor's in Business.

My son started high school at a private school about 30 miles from home which required us to move.

I had to short sell my house - a process that took nearly 7 months!

I moved...pretty much by the car-load over 7 months. lol.

I decided to kill the adoption plans. Once the kid got to high school I figured it was a done deal.

I joined e-harmony. Had 2 dates in 3 months. I won't be renewing... lol.

One moved out of state within a week of our date.... The other one was clearly in denial that he is gay. But he was definitely something pretty to look at :)

My very first nephew was born and I love him soooo much. He lives out of state, the first time he left after a visit I cried for an hour :(

Haven't been running at all. Just bought some new running shoes last week. Once the snow is down to a tolerable level, I'm going! 5k or die this year!

Pretty much put myself in financial ruin with this move, the sale of the house and paying for private school tuition...and books...and uniforms...and everything else that isn't included in the crazy tuition prices.

I have a plan to get back on the financial freedom train. I always do ;)

I'm happier now that school is done. I love having free time.

We're going on a real vacation over mid-winter break for the first time since 2009. And no homework!

I'm excited to catch up with all my blogger peeps. Can't wait to reconnect! I missed you all!

1st Stop... Amsterdam

2009-09-16T23:39:00.008-04:00

The good news is that I survived the first semester of full-time classes to go along with full-time work and full-time parenting, and now I am on a week break before the next semester starts.
I have missed reading all of my favorite blogs, but caught up on a few today. Only 2 more semesters to go~

This summer I went on my first trip out of the country to Europe and had a great time!
The first stop... Amsterdam!

Amsterdam was beautiful, inviting, friendly and had great buildings. I took a million pictures, ok really like 800... there was so much to see ~

Amsterdam is a city where the main mode of transportation is bicycle. You could easily spot the locals from the tourists as they were the ones cycling 25-30 mph one-handed while talking on a cell phone and smoking a cigarette, lol. And they will run you over.

After I got accustomed to staying in the 4 inches of space between the bike path and the road (the pedestrian walkway), my life expectancy increased ten-fold... as you can probably tell, I made it back alive and have no tire track scars.

Due to all of the canals, there are many house boats in Amsterdam. This one can be your for the low low price of $635,000 Euro. Yeah... I can't afford it either!

....And mini cars - lots and lots of mini cars...

The flower market was gorgeous, the scent was amazing. I did manage to find some U.S. approved tulips to bring home. I can't wait to see them next spring!

And in case you were wondering... yep you can buy that too!

Am I the only one that didn't know that this is why X-rated films are X-rated (XXX) at all? LOL It took me a minute to figure it out.. sometimes I can be really slow!

There were bikes EVERYWHERE. Broken bikes, decorated bikes, rusty bikes, bikes with words, bikes with baskets, bikes with trailers and even bikes with barnacles that had been fished out of the sea...

There were groups of these little birds with really cool feet..

I Amsterdam!

This isn't really a tree, it's ivy growing on the side of a building that is made to look like a tree with branches.

I hope you enjoyed your mini tour of Amsterdam - Next stop Munich, Germany

What's Happening People

2009-07-29T12:52:00.003-04:00

Just wanted to check in, it's been a while since I posted. So what have I been doing the last 30 days?...

Went and spent some time at my friends summer house on the lake. It was beautiful and quiet and relaxing. I forgot my camera...
Got ready for our trip to Europe.
Went to Europe with my father & son. (Some pics coming if you're interested)
Came back from Europe to a shitload of work at work.
Staying busy before it's back to school for me. Some girlfriends and I went to see Bobby Brown, Ralph Tresvant and Johnny Gill.. Johnny is still sexy.. Bobby is gross and Ralph is too damn skinny. Bobby looked like he was going to keel over on the spot. He blamed it on the baby weight - (someone recently reproduced with him, eeew.)

It's been a year since I was certified to become an adoptive parent so now I have to re certify which takes a lot of running around.

My son and his never-ending sports. 4 basketball teams, cross-country, soccer, football, etc. Basketball ended on Friday, football started on Monday. He's on varsity this year, his confidence is up and he said the coaches are giving him the nod. He looked good running drills yesterday. I'm proud of my kid, but sometimes he loses confidence in himself and doesn't have anyone to push/pull him out of that mindset. I try, but I'm just his mom. I hope he keeps his confidence up and becomes the superstar I know he is capable of being. He has the height, the build and the ability to do great things. He just needs the mental part.

His dad hasn't called in at least 40 days. Asshole.

As of August 6th I will be in school full-time. I have 9 classes left. If all goes well taking 2 classes at a time (2 classes are considered full-time because they are accelerated, all the work in 1/2 the time) then I will be all done at the end of the Winter semester. Hallelujah!

I'll be around, reading when I have the chance, posting when I need to vent or have something to share, but likely often MIA like I have been the last month. It's not that I don't love you, I just need to sleep sometime.. ;)

I.O.U.S.A

2009-06-02T07:45:00.000-04:00

http://www.pgpf.org/

Father of the Year?

2009-05-28T18:16:00.004-04:00

29 year-old Desmond Hatchett (reportedly the father of 21 children by 11 different women), has found himself in court recently for failure to pay child support. If that weren't tragic enough, Mr. Hatchett said "I had four kids in the same year. Twice" But while he can't support them, he can remember their names, ages and dates of birth, and stated that all of the women knew about his large family - wonder if 4 of them knew they were all pregnant at the same time. Twice.

So blogger fam, what say you on Desmond Hatchett's "unintentional" family of 21 (so far) - should he be forced to have a vascectomy? Should he be allowed to keep procreating children he cannot support? What do you think about the women that have allowed this man to father their children (especially the later ones that presumably knew about the kids already born)? Octo-mom got a lot of flack for having 14 kids she cannot afford, but Octo-Mel (Mel Gibson) who is about to have his 8th child with his girlfriend definitely has enough money to support 8 kids. Is it ok to have a bunch of kids if you can afford them?

FUCK YOU!

2009-05-26T19:48:00.003-04:00

I was visiting The Angry African, and yes, he is very, very angry today. And I am angry along with him. I second everything he said, and I will give you a little more.

When a man and woman go to the beach and get married, they call it marriage. When a man and a woman go get drunk in Vegas and get married by Elvis, they call it marriage. When a man and a woman go to the city clerks office to get married, they call it marriage. FUCK YOU! to the folks that think marriage is a religious event. It's not, so get over it. EVERYONE should have the right to get married to another consenting adult regardless of gender. And FUCK your civil union bullshit too.

In Memorium

2009-05-25T23:54:00.003-04:00

He was my brother's best friend. Short, funny, loving, friendly, honorable. He was the oldest of three, two loving parents, younger brother and sister. I was about 16 or so the first time he hit on me, lol. He never stopped hitting on me after that, but I just thought of him as a second brother, I loved him, just not in the way he wanted.

When I was pregnant I went to visit him and his wife and new baby. He spent an hour rubbing my swollen belly because he just loved pregnancy and feeling a new life start. I think he just liked having an excuse to touch me for an hour, lol.

At his funeral I cried for his family, his friends, his children, his disease, his broken spirit, the war that ended but never left his soul.

They buried him in his uniform. I left him a note in his pocket to read on the other side.

To my second brother who served in the Gulf and also my uncle who served in Vietnam, I remember you this Memorial day and every day. Thank you for loving me and doing your best to protect us all.

There might be some truth...

2009-05-17T01:54:00.004-04:00

I was over at GirlCas's page, she saw a Colorgenics result on someone else's page, I saw it on hers and here we are. I just got done writing my Annoyed post, so I took the Colorgenics test and here's the result:

Name: RunningMom
Date: 5/17/2009
Colorgenics Number: 32415607

You are tending to pursue your objectives with concentrated intensity and it would seem that whatever obstacles may come into your path, you will stick to your guns and will not allow yourself to be deflected from your purpose. You are striving to achieve recognition and what is more - you deserve it.

Most people are conditioned by their environment and you are no exception. You are an extremely emotional person - so much so that 'the wrong word' can lead you to tears. You feel other people's pain. You feel the need of sympathetic relationships and a pleasant work environment in order to develop and grow. You are an impulsive, loving individual with a great deal of inherent feeling.

Being a very proud individual, you tend to hold yourself aloof pretending that you are stoical - indifferent to pain and pleasure. This is not so, for in truth you are an extremely emotional individual, one that may make a hasty decision and perhaps regret it at leisure. It is time now to break the bond of detachment and be the 'you' that you would like to be - give vent to your emotions and enjoy yourself.

You are being unduly influenced by the situation that is all around you. You do not like the feeling of loneliness and whatever it is that seems to separate you from others. You know that life can be wonderful and you are anxious to experience life in all its aspects, to live it to the full. You therefore resent any restriction or limitations that are being imposed on you and you insist on going it alone.

You don't like authority and you rebel against all forms of limitation. You are your own person and you intend to stay that way and to get on in the world simply by your hard work and determination.

Yep. I agree.

Annoyed.

2009-05-17T00:58:00.003-04:00

I got invited to a single mom's group through one of my friends. This group meets once a month at the church she attends and does something fun. Today we had a little food, a little pampering (the Mary Kay lady came and did hand treatments and facials) and we had a lot of laughs, a lot! It took us more than 3 hours to get through something that should have taken 30 minutes because we were having so much fun.

Here's the thing... I don't go to church because in my experience, pastors, preachers, deacons, ministers, whatever you want to call them - are hypocrites. In fact, many people in the church are hypocritical. I can't deal with it and still feel like I can like you the next day. In addition, I also feel like a lot of what is in the bible was based on who had the power, who wanted the power and what were they willing to do or say to get the power. So because of that, I'm just not one of the "believers" that's going to say, well the bible said... and live my life according to someone elses interpretation of what that means. I can't do it. I'm comfortable with a lot of things in the church, but if I feel like I'm being manipulated or worked over - I'm OUT.

So anyway... we're having a good 'ol time laughing, cracking jokes, etc. till someone starts talking about Tyler Perry. Lawd, why do we have to keep talking about this man. Leave him be! So one lady says something about TP, and another chimes in about him being gay, and another chimes in about him being engaged to a model. And I'm like - dude is gay, if the gay's say he is gay, and the gay's do say he is gay, then dude is gay. Folks just need to leave him alone and let him be who he is.

OMG, all eyes on me. So, they say - he just needs to pray on it and God will fix his gayness. God will fix it if only he prays to be "healed" - WHAT!?!?! All these ladies could tell by the look on my face that I was not falling for it. I said, um no - if the dude is gay, he's gay, or bi-sexual even but still gay, end of story. So, they say - you don't think that God can heal his gayness through prayer? Um no - I said: "no, I do not think that prayer or God can ultimately change the true sexuality of anyone, I don't." To which one lady replied "well then if you don't believe that, then you don't believe that God can do all things, be all things and heal all things"

Ok - lets just talk about that for a second. I believe in a higher power. I believe in prayer, I believe in the power of good intention, I believe that we are all destined for another life in another place in a different level of consiousness. I believe in a lot of things. I don't believe that homosexuals need to be "fixed" - WTF? I don't believe that homosexuality is wrong. I don't believe that homosexuals need prayer or healing or anything else that would be used to change who they are as it relates to their choice of partner regardless of gender. I don't. There isn't any thing to fix. (I thought all of this in my head..not out loud)

So then the lady says, "well then I will pray for you to believe that he can" - to which I replied "great, I'll let you know if it works" LOL!

She was caught off guard by that for sure. But she appreciated my honesty - or so she said. We were still having a good time talking and discussing and bantering back and forth but I know that I lit a little fire in a few of those folks. It's all good. I gave them something to think about which probably doesn't happen too often.

I can't be part of the flock. I can't believe all of what they believe, I can't agree with many things that "the bible" says. I just can't. I'm annoyed because all of my life I have fought for things that others dismiss. All of my life my thought process has gone outside of the norm and into realms that should be unknown to me but aren't. I'm annoyed because sometimes I feel like I am missing the weight that secures me to a community, a church, a home, a family, a confidant. I'm annoyed because I feel like I can only share my thoughts if I am willing to be the odd (wo)man out.

I'm annoyed because my separation feels like a curse when I know that it's a blessing. I am part of the higher power, I am part of the enlightenment, I am one of many that can share a different view point and get you to think. Sometimes I think ignorance is bliss. How simple it must be to KNOW that God is the truth and everything in him will be. To accept it, to know it, to feel it, to live it. Life must be wonderful under that umbrella.

But I can't get under, I won't get under. I need to make sure that I can feel the rain on my face, and the cool water on my skin. It's how I know I'm still alive. Me. It's who I am.

Think I'll get invited back?

Never Say Never?

2009-05-10T02:08:00.007-04:00

Did I say I would never get another piercing? I think I said I would never get another tattoo.... the piercing is a definite maybe after seeing these pics... HOT!

Rihanna's rings are ok...

But Cassie's barbell's are fabulous!

Hmmm.......

Only 1

2009-05-04T23:41:00.002-04:00

Only 1 person in my life knows about this blog. Due to his movie obsession we'll call him Net.flix. Obviously I trust Net.flix immensely. I know for a fact he can keep a secret, but that's another story for another day, lol.

I surprised Net.flix with my 1 out of 4 post. In case anyone is wondering, 1 out of 4 was the statistic last I heard, of women will be raped in their lifetime. 1 out of 4. Let that marinate for a second. How many women do you have in your family? How many sisters? How many daughters? How many aunties? How many friends? 1 out of 4.

How many women have you dated in your lifetime? If it's more than 4, then likely one of them has been raped.

There was an interesting article in the NYTimes Online shortly after I wrote my post. Here is a link and a excerpt that moved me:

Click for original article by Nicholas D. Kristof

“The criminal justice system is still ill equipped to deal with rape and not that good at moving rape cases forward,” notes Sarah Tofte, who just wrote a devastating report for Human Rights Watch about the rape-kit backlog. The report found that in Los Angeles County, there were at last count 12,669 rape kits sitting in police storage facilities. More than 450 of these kits had sat around for more than 10 years, and in many cases, the statute of limitations had expired.

There are no good national figures, and one measure of the indifference is that no one even bothers to count the number of rape kits sitting around untested.

Why don’t police departments treat rape kits with urgency? One reason is probably expense — each kit can cost up to $1,500 to test — but there also seems to be a broad distaste for rape cases as murky, ambiguous and difficult to prosecute, particularly when they involve (as they often do) alcohol or acquaintance rape.

“They talk about the victims’ credibility in a way that they don’t talk about the credibility of victims of other crimes,” Ms. Tofte said.

Net.flix and I were talking today and he said that he never knew this story. In the 8 years he has known me, he never knew that I had been raped. It certainly wasn't a secret, I have told people in my life, just never with this amount of detail, never with the admission of the guilt that I felt. Only that it happened, and I moved on. It got me to thinking about the people that read my blog, the men that read, the women that read. We have all been touched by shame or guilt in one form or another in our lives. You just might not know it. Hug the women in your life and let them know that they are loved unconditionally.

I can't even being to explain the relief that I felt in my heart after I got this story out of my body. Have you ever noticed that when you really go after something, things start to fall into place almost effortlessly? "For every action there is an equal reaction" but without action, there is nothing.

I heard Dr. Maya Angelou speaking on the radio the other day. She said that she doesn't allow words of hate to be spoken in her home. She doesn't allow people to disparage the character of others in her home. Dr. Angelou believes that words are physical. When you speak hate in your home or allow hate to be spoken in your home the words land on the table. The more hate, the more words accumulate... on the walls... in your clothes.... in your bed... pretty soon the hate begins to stick to your skin and get into your bones. Then it gets into your heart.

I want my heart to be free to love instead of fear. I want Net.flix to know how much I appreciate him as my friend, even though I know that he thinks he isn't deserving. True friends love without judgement, speak without malice, share without fear, trust without wavering.

LOL - No words necessary!

2009-05-01T18:34:00.003-04:00

1 out of 4

2009-04-22T18:42:00.004-04:00

I walked down the hall and heard manly laughter coming out of his room. I glanced in as I walked by, embarrassed by the anal sex porn on the TV as 10 guys sat in a semi-circle around it watching, laughing, "hey you want to come in?" they laughed. I admit I was curious. Is this what men do? They watch anal sex for fun? Why? It's gross, who would do that? Why would they do that? Does it hurt? Wouldn't it? Or... maybe it doesn't...

Hey, you want to go with me to this party? I had to check to make sure he was talking to me. He was tall, muscular, played hockey for the college. He had been seen on campus with a few different girls. Some black, some white, some other, all tall, all beautiful, unlike me. At 5'3" I barely came up to his shoulder. I was "cute" not beautiful. I was 17, not sophisticated. I wore glasses and I was overweight. Why was he talking to me? "Sure" was my reply.

We walked from our dorm to the party. No cars allowed on campus for freshman. It was a nice night anyway. Well into fall when you get a few nice Indian Summer days, the air in the country was clean and smelled like fresh cut wood and smoke from bonfires. We got to the party and met up with some other people. He knew more of them than I did. I was shy, embarrassed. I didn't know if he really liked me or if somehow I was the joke of the day, a trick, a dare.

You ready to go? he asked... Yes. I had a few drinks, was feeling the carefree, young-and-inspired, let-me-scream-out-to-the-world-and-hear-the-world-answer-feeling of a young girl out on her own for the first time. I liked this boy. I wondered if he was going to kiss me or just walk me to my room and say goodnight.

Do you want to come to my room? he shyly asked. Um, sure. Ok but you have to be quiet, my roommate is sleeping on the bottom bunk. Come up to the top with me. I knew I didn't really want to be in his bed but we were in college in a 12 x 12 room with no real furniture except for the bed, the desks and a few folding chairs.

He climbed up ahead of me, straightening the sheets and pillows. Black satin sheets. Worn enough so they weren't slippery, but still soft. I climbed up the stairs, trying to be quiet so we didn't wake his roommate. Laughing, nervous, excited, naive. He kissed me with his soft full lips, god he was beautiful. What was he doing with me? He started to kiss my breasts, then lower. He removed my shirt, bra, pants, panties. I let him. I wanted him. I couldn't believe he wanted me too.

He flipped me over and lifted my hips. I felt him push against me. Wait, that's not the right... Wait! What are you doing? Don't! Stop! He held me down with his body weight, his left hand wrapped around both of my wrists, his arm pinning me to the bed. His legs heavy over mine, I tried to kick, I tried to roll him off of me, I couldn't move. He pressed my head into the pillow to muffle my cries as he pushed himself inside of me. Like the movie. Oh my god it's like the movie. He came inside of me as I screamed and cried, pain ripping through my body like I had never felt.

There was blood, cum and tears all mixed together in my head. You have to get him off of you. You have to get out! He passed out behind me. Shaking I climbed down the stairs and ran down the hall to my room. The roommate. Why didn't he hear my screams? Why didn't he get up and help me? Did he hear him rape me? Did he let him rape me and do nothing?

The shower was hot, burning against my skin on the outside like the shame was burning against my insides. As I crumpled to the floor in shock I felt his seed leak out of my bowels. He. Raped. Me.

The bruises on my wrists were visible the next day. Pain and shame were there too but unlike the bruises, they were invisible to everyone but me. I liked him. I drank with him. I got into his bed with him. I wanted to have sex with him. But not like that. NOT LIKE THAT! It's my fault. I did this. I saw them watch that video. I was curious and intrigued by what I saw. But wait. I said no. I SAID NO! I begged him to stop didn't I? Didn't I tell him to stop? Yes shame, yes guilt, yes pain, you begged him to stop.

Oh my god there he is. A girl on each arm. He's not beautiful, he's pathetic. He sees me. He pauses. "Are you ok, I am so sorry" he says. I feel the shame rise to my cheeks. He thinks it's ok. He thinks that what he did only deserved a simple apology as his two groupies hang on each word wondering why he is speaking to me, but not really caring.

I walked away without saying a word. I never said a word. I never ever said a word. And have since forgotten his name.

Go State, Go State!

2009-04-05T00:19:00.004-04:00

Since I am from Michigan I will be a State fan today (OMG, it was such a GREAT game!)

... but on Monday, I'm rooting for North Carolina

Yep, We're Going!

2009-04-02T21:44:00.004-04:00

Monday's Musings

2009-03-30T20:09:00.002-04:00

I got a ticket a few weeks ago for "failure to stop leaving a private drive." There was no one around, the view from my work driveway is spectacular, you can see all the way down the road in both directions, I yielded, clear, go - there's also no STOP sign... none of that mattered though when the State Trooper did a u-turn in the middle of the street to pull me over. AssHat.

When I went for my first pre-hearing, the lobby was full of folks there for similar reasons. The deal? We'll waive your points if you pay the fine. Um no. I'm not paying it.

Ok, well you can schedule a hearing. Ok. It was a State Trooper who pulled you over, so he will likely be here. Ok.

Had my hearing this morning. I was all prepared with 8"x 10" photos of the driveway, distance and lack of stop sign. I figured I had a 50/50 shot. The trooper didn't show up. Case dismissed!
No points, no fine. Happy Monday for me.
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I missed my son while he was gone... I got a few things on my list done. I cleaned out his room and closet. Use a ton of Lysol wipes, dusted, vacuumed, organized, etc. I have a whole basket of clothes ready to donate to friends or goodwill.

I would have gone to the gym, but... a.) I have water on my knee, which hurts like hell, I can barely climb the stairs let alone go to yoga or go running.. and b.) I was quite depressed last week. Maybe more on that later, maybe not.
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Got a fabulous new pair of Anne Klein loafers from Over.stock today. Been hunting all over town for an appropriate replacement for the Franco Sarto loafers that my mom's puppy chewed. Took forever to find them, but it was worth the wait..
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Hey UBJ, just saw a commercial for the Verizon Hub! From your lips to mainstream America.
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Ok.. I think that's enough rambling for today. Have to go work on my Marketing Final...

Still Alive...

2009-03-23T07:32:00.002-04:00

I'm still here!! Wrapped up my Algebra class at the end of last week. My final grade?

B- !!!

Thanks to everyone who offered prayer, support and a little bit of "quit your whining and get to work" - work I did, and it paid off. It isn't an 'A', but I will take it.

Yesterday I got my son off to D.C. for the week. He arrived safely and is hopefully having a great time. I sent him with my digital camera which may or may not have been a good idea.. lol. Guess I will find out on Friday!

I'm a little behind on my reading... UBJ has posted 5 times since I last logged on.... So I will be back later to read and hopefully post some more.

Have a great day!

RM

Emancipation: freeing someone from the control of another.

2009-03-09T21:23:00.006-04:00

This week I threw my girlfriend an "emancipation party" ...she is getting a divorce and needed a little cheering up, some good drinks, good food and a "B.O.B."

That's a "battery operated boyfriend" for those of you not in the know.. They also have T.O.M. they have a different acronym for this one, but I like mine better... "The other man", lol.

So... I've always been a little uninhibited with my sexuality - I don't like to share, but I like to experiment and have fun, not afraid to try new things, laugh, make weird noises with my body, make good use of props and when there's no boyfriend (and even sometimes when there is) I like to have a good backup.

This girlfriend didn't own a vibrator. She had sex 4 times last year... and she was MARRIED! That's just crazy to me. I like my boyfriend/husband to be ok with the fact that I have a vibrator. I have been known to send text messages about what I'm doing to myself while he's away.. lol

Even if your man (or woman) is sexually satisfiying you, isn't it just more fun to play? I have a little bit of a collection... I got rid of a lot of things I had accumulated over the years (that was an interesting trash week!) But somethings are just a staple for a woman to have...

The bullet:

Good for clitoral stimulation... holding in your hand while playing with your mans balls during oral sex... stimulating his nipples... and if you are feeling really adventurous you can insert it into you prior to inserting him... however, please watch for loose wires.. lol.

The vibrator:

For you to use, or your man to use on you... my ex used to like to watch me....

Anyway! We had some margaritas, some good food, chocolate and fruit for dessert and lots of laughs with the sex toy lady. Most of us women have been to a "Pu.re Rom.ance" party... essentially a sex toy party for women only in your home. It's the new Tupp.erware party, lol.

So next time your gf or wife says she has a "girls-only" party to go to, slip her a $100 on the way out and she might just bring something home for you.....

Here's the newest member of my team:

What say you blogger fam? Toys or no toys?

Dreams... Updates.. Etc.

2009-03-03T21:06:00.008-05:00

So I was reading blogs late last night and I had a dream about one of the authors. I woke up this morning thinking damn! I'm dreaming about a guy I have never met and never talked to. We were on a boat, on vacation - together. He was disappointed in me because I didn't meet his expectations. So I left. And woke up confused and pissed! I still have love for him though!

My dating life is nonexistant. I haven't seen or talked to the one I love. My son's father is still trying to get in my pants. I don't know if I finally grew up or just finally got over him, but he no longer turns me on. He tries and tries and tries and I'm just not interested. Yay for me, too bad for him.

Math is keeping me busy. I have been going to the tutor twice a week, doing all of my homework plus some extra, going to class, meeting with my study partner. A few of the sections I actually ENJOYED! Testing remains a problem for me... first test D-, second and third tests, C- on both. I guess I should feel good to some degree, most of my classmates failed the last test. I just have a few weeks left.. overall I have a 78% which is not acceptable to me, but I'm giving myself a "pass" on this one. I'm giving it my best, a 78% might be all I can do in 12 weeks.

Along with math I added another online class. Homework every day... arggh I can't wait to be done with school so I can have my life back. I decided to go full time for my last 12 classes. I want to be done by the end of this year. Working FT, going to school FT plus running a household and raising a teenage son by myself is a little hectic. Some days I feel like I have Altzheimers.

I was trying to remember the last name of my college boyfriend. I can't. I can remember his best friends last name... but not his.

Has anyone noticed that our youth have decided that nothing is plural or possessive anymore? "Are you at your grandma house?"... "He on my football team"..."We going to play basketball at Joe house"... That gets on my nerves! At what point did this start happening? What happened to all the "S's?" Everytime I hear a child in my presence do this I start complaining. Too bad many parents have also fallen into the habit...

My son is going on a trip at the end of the month. I will have from Sunday evening until Friday afternoon to myself. No practices, no games, no picking up or dropping off from school. No helping with homework, no extra laundry, no extra mess. If I had a man, I would be free to have him stay over! I plan to use my time wisely.. I will go to yoga and relax, get into the gym and sweat and attempt to go running and challenge myself. I will clean the closets and donate to charity or friends all of the clothes, jackets and shoes that no longer fit my ever growing son. And I will try to meet friends for dinner at least one of the 5 evenings I will have alone. At least... that's the plan now.....

Love you all.. hope you're well!

RM.

Thirteen Years

2009-02-23T23:49:00.003-05:00

Photo Credit: Anne Geddes

Thirteen years ago today, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. It was a cold but beautiful sunny day. I woke up about 7:00 am starving as usual. Because I'm short, there was really nowhere for my internal organs to go so they just got squished by the baby. Consequently, I would go from starving to full in about 3 bites.

I went to the bathroom, then headed to the kitchen for a bowl of cereal. When I sat down to eat, I didn't feel very good. My stomach had that queasy feeling but since I was starving I felt like I needed to eat. About 5 minutes later I felt like I peed on myself a little. LOL anyone who has had a baby knows this is not out of the ordinary, but since that hadn't yet happened to me, I was mortified.

After going back into the bathroom to clean up, I decided to go lay back down for a while. I started having mini contractions so I called my girlfriend and told her that I thought that I was maybe in labor. She was still in bed so she told me to call her back when I knew for sure and hung up!

The contractions started getting a little stronger, so I decided to give my doctor a call. As I was waiting on the phone I was pacing the floor, walking back & forth. When I went to sit down on the bed my water broke - Oh shit! Yep, I'm in labor.

The dr. told me not to rush to the hospital, take my time and he would see me in a while. I called my girlfriend (she was my ride and birth partner) and then got in the shower. After shaving my legs, putting on some makeup and fixing my hair, we finally left for the hospital.

Just a few hours later with one girlfriend taking pictures and the other cutting the cord, we welcomed my little sweet boy into the world.

I love you my son. Happy 13th Birthday!

Don't Divorce My Family and Friends

2009-02-14T08:16:00.005-05:00

Ken Starr, who led the campaign to impeach President Bill Clinton, filed a legal brief last month -- on behalf of the "Yes on 8" campaign -- that would forcibly divorce 18,000 same-sex couples that were married in California last year before the passage of Prop 8.

Watch "Fidelity" and sign our letter to the state Supreme Court before they hear oral arguments in the case on March 5. Tell the Supreme Court to invalidate Prop 8, reject Ken Starr's case, and let loving, committed couples marry. DEADLINE EXTENDED: March 2. 224,783 people have signed this letter (as of Friday, February 13). Our new Courage Campaign community goal is 250,000 signers. Will you add your name now?:

http://www.couragecampaign.org/page/s/repealprop8

Love will prevail - Happy Valentine's Day!

Offers I can resist... The freak, the cheat and the dirty old man.

2009-02-06T18:20:00.004-05:00

TGIF!

There are just some offers I have no problem refusing...All true, all today. Seriously.

Offer 1 "The freak":

My Son's Father: So, how about I get a bottle of Patron and one of those all in one lace bodysuits, and come over?

Me: For what?!?

SF: So you can put it on for me.

Me: No.

SF: Ok what about a cowgirl outfit?

Me: WTF? Seriously? No!

SF: Why not?

Me: I'm not country!

SF: So, you don't have to be country to ride.

Me: NO!

Offer 2 "The cheat":

This offer came from a guy I used to casually see but never slept with. He has a serious shoe & thigh-high fetish and had the nerve to marry a girl who he knew wouldnt play along. They had a baby a few months back (presumably from one of the 2 times they had sex.. )

Via text: My wife has only had sex with me twice since January of 2008.

Me: wow? really? that sucks!

Text: Yeah, I know. I think I might start cheatin'

Me: Don't do that, just talk to her.

Text: I have talked to her, she said I could cheat, just don't tell her.

Me: Maybe she should see a Dr.

Text: She says she is just tired.

Me: wow, I really think she should see someone but ok.

Text: Remember when you put on those thigh-highs and peep-toe heels and met me at the bar. Then afterward in the car you........

Me: lol, yeah. That was fun.

Text: So what are you doing tonight?

Me: oooh, I'm busy, call me when your divorce is final!

Offer 3 "The dirty old man":

Offer 3 came from my old man friend (16 years older than me) who I love to look at but not touch. Why? Cause everytime I see him, I think, wow he is so cute. He doesn't look 51! Then he gets to talkin'. Ugh. Gets on my damn nerves. Just sit there and look good!

Old man: Whatchu doin?

Me: Just got home, about to take a nap (that was true, till I decided to blog instead)

Old man: Oh, you should have told me, I would come over in my jammies and rub on you. (Yes he really said "jammies")

Me: lol, you're funny

Old man: I would rub on you, and hold you, and sleep next to you, then help you with your math homework and rub on you some more, then have dinner, then rub on you some more, then you could be dessert...

Me: lol, wow, all that?

Old man: Yeah, I'm taking it slow with you, cause I know you're not ready, but I'm going to get in you in 2009.

Me: Oh wow, ok, I'm going to take a nap, I'll call you later (like sometime next year...)

If I were a boy....

2009-02-03T21:58:00.004-05:00

My top 5, if I were a boy......

OAS Oral Allergy Syndrome

2009-01-31T21:24:00.003-05:00

I am allergic to penicillin, and have severe food intolerance reactions to artificial sweetener, turkey, and blue cheese, and a mild food intolerance to cantelope, and honeydew melon.

In addition, when I eat I often get these hivey-blotchy spots on my chest. They don't itch, they don't travel, they are just there for a while and then they go away.

So I finally decide to go see an allergist today to see what he can tell me. I want to know what else maybe I am allergic to in food that is causing this reaction and what (if anything) I can do about it.

This guy was quirky and weird and a little on the odd side, but he was thorough and had to explain everything in detail. By the time I walked out of there I felt like an expert!

So... penicillin is made from: mold.
Blue cheese is made from: mold.
Red wine and beer give me headaches.... and the hops or something in beer and wine can sometimes contain: mold

Seeing a common factor here? Right! I'm allergic to MOLD!

Come to find out, there are a lot of people who have cross-reactions from allergins like mold, ragweed, and pollen - to food. What? Yep.

People (like me) who are allergic to mold may also have food sensitivity to the following foods:

Foreign cheese of all kinds (I'm a cheese fanatic)
Sour cream (eh, I can take it or leave it... mostly leave it)
Buttermilk (leave it)
Beer and wine (who knew!?!?)
Vinegar and vinegar-containing foods like mayo, salad dressing, ketchup, pickles, pickled beets, green olives (I almost ALWAYS use balsamic vinegarette on my salad)
Sauerkraut (leave it)
Mushrooms (eew, leave it)
All dried fruits such as apricots, dates, prunes, figs and raisins.
Canned tomatoes
Cider
Soy sauce (I LOVE sushi and soy has to go on sushi)
Melons especially cantelope (!!!)
Some breads made with vinegar

No wonder I break out in hives all the time. Much of this list is stuff I eat on the regular.

Still interested?

If you are allergic to Birch pollen, you may also have a food reaction to: peach, apple, plum, cherry, apricot, strawberry, pear, almond, hazelnut, potato, carrot and celery.

If you are allergic to Grass pollen, you may also have a food reaction to: tomato, melon and watermelon.

If you are allergic to Mugwort (weeds), you may also have a food reaction to: apple, celery, carrot, peanut and kiwi.

If you are allergic to Ragweed (one of the worst for seasonal allergies), you may also have a food reaction to: banana, melon, honey, cucumber, zucchini, watermelon and chamomile.

When my brother eats bananas his mouth and throat itches. The same thing happens to me when I eat cantelope or honeydew melon, but not watermelon.

So... I still don't know why Turkey and diet soda gives me the runs, or why sugar-free gum gives me migranes, or really why I break out in hives so often.. but I have a better idea.
I'm going to start watching my food labels a little closer.. and he is going to do the skin allergy test in a few weeks. I'll let you know how it goes. Does anyone in blog-world have food or other allergies?

Punishment

2009-01-26T21:27:00.003-05:00

This post by Super Dave reminded me of the time I called my mom a bitch under my breath. I forget what I wanted or what I was trying to do, but I remember my dad was downstairs in his easy chair in front of the TV. I was pissed at my mom about something and as I was on my way upstairs to my room I called her a bitch to myself. Or so I thought.

Apparently my pops had some supersonic ears or I wasn't as quiet as I thought.

Next thing I remember I was sprauled out in the middle of my room laying on top of what used to be my desk chair. The chair was destroyed by the impact of my body after I was thrown through space and time.

Gotta love that old man strength.. ouch.

Simple Math

2009-01-24T13:52:00.002-05:00

Lots of diversity posts going on these days. Lots of discussions about inter-racial dating, what's black, what's not. Who's black, who isn't. Lot's of black women happy Obama married a black woman. Lot's of black women angry when they see a black man with a non-black woman. Lot's of black women not willing to date or marry a non-black man. Lots of black women mad because there aren't enough "good black men" to go around for them, let alone share with the rest of the world. Lots of black men unwilling to date a non-black woman for fear of being a sell-out.

Most black folks still agree if you look black, you are black. So I say, do your part to create as many black folks as possible!

White man + white woman * 3 kids = 3 white kids
Black man + black woman * 3 kids = 3 black kids
Asian man + asian woman * 3 kids = 3 asian kid

Black man + white woman * 3 kids = 3 black kids
White man + black woman * 3 kids = 3 black kids
Asian man + black woman * 3 kids = 3 black kids
Black man + asian woman * 3 kids = 3 black kids

If every black person reproduces with a non-black person, soon there will be no non-black people left. At least... not very many!

..........What will divide us then?

Diversity Rules

2009-01-21T23:40:00.003-05:00

From the NY Times Online: Click here for full article

"...Cousins journeyed from the South Carolina town where the first lady’s great-great-grandfather was born into slavery, while the rabbi in the family came from the synagogue... The president and first lady’s siblings were there, too, of course: his Indonesian-American half-sister, who brought her Chinese-Canadian husband, and her brother, a black man with a white wife." (J. Kantor, 2009)

"The family that produced Barack and Michelle Obama is black and white and Asian, Christian, Muslim and Jewish. They speak English; Indonesian; French; Cantonese; German; Hebrew; African languages including Swahili, Luo and Igbo; and even a few phrases of Gullah, the Creole dialect of the South Carolina Lowcountry." (J. Kantor, 2009)

This is why so many Americans identify with the Robinson / Obama family. Diversity is a wonderful thing.

A change we can believe in

2009-01-20T19:27:00.003-05:00

I paid a visit to Torrance's (aka RDB) blog today. I didn't like all that I saw (please be forwarned of graphic pics before you visit), but I did like this statement that he made in response to a comment on his blog:

"That's what makes America great, we can walk side by side and not see eye to eye, it's the freedom to say it, I will never dislike a person because we dont agree"

Amen to that. I'm happy about and enlightened by all viewpoints. I'm not the deepest thinker in the world, and my blog isn't at all serious - but like many readers, I appreciate a good debate.
I'm happy for Obama and his family, I am happy that my son has someone who looks like him, is left handed and loves basketball like him as the President of the U.S.

But that doesn't mean I have forgotten all of the rest of the ills in the world.

Everyone needs balance and everyone has their own reality.

For me, I watched and celebrated today because even though it shouldn't be a big deal - our first Bi-racial / African American president got elected into office! And that IS a big deal. We have changed the face of the nation forever. It's been a long time coming, and I couldn't be more proud of our nation.

Imagine how much better we'll be as a whole when we come together to make future changes. We have seen for ourselves what we can do when we collectively exclaim "Yes we can!"

Think we would have the same attitude or spirit if McCain was in office? Nope.

Let Obama be who he is meant to be: Our leader, our face, our hope.

And then we - all of us - every last one of us, need to get to work. For ourselves, for our neighbors, for our families, for our country.

We can't help others heal if we're still broken ourselves.

10 Weeks

2009-01-14T07:03:00.002-05:00

10 weeks of Algebra... I may be in a comatose state when these 10 weeks are over.

Math is not my favorite subject, but I am trying to embrace it. I have my very last Algebra class (oh thank God) for my Bachelors degree. It started on Monday. I have only slept a few hours since then. Last night I was up till after 2 am with one of my very best friends who was patiently trying to explain the rules of Algebra over and over and over again. The rules that I have so quickly forgotten in the few years since my last Algebra class.

I need a few tutors and as much help as I can locate. It will take a village and a lot of prayer and work to get me through this class. Speaking of prayer, if you can say a quick one for me as you read this, send some good learning energy my way.

I will be back after class today. I have class on Monday & Wednesday (plus work and my son) so the homework due Wednesday from Monday is what killed me this week. I literally only had a few hours of free-time to get through it. Tonights homework won't be due till Monday, so that gives me some more time to focus and learn.

ok - have to get ready. Thanks for listening/reading - RM.

Thursday Thirteen

2009-01-08T07:25:00.007-05:00

Everybody has at least a top 5 right? The "list" of excusable famous people that you are allowed to have an affair with if the opportunity arises regardless of your current relationship status. Me too.. only mine is going to be the top 13 today... I'll leave it up to you to pick who you think my top 5 are...

Who's on your list?

Curiosity....

2009-01-05T00:29:00.007-05:00

Regarding a previous post, Curious said: "Okay, I don't know if you take requests, but if you do I need to get a post that will expand Random Things #5 because I couldn't read anything further. I need to know how it came about, when you decided to get it, is it more for aesthetics or does it have a physical appeal and to round it all up, will there be more? You should know you can't leave a brother hanging like that when he's only slightly on this side of freaky. Oh and for a bonus points, you can tell me how you feel about men with Prince Albert's, yea or nay. I've been thinking of ... well lets just say I've been thinking"

Since I seem to have insomnia tonight... consider your request granted. For those of you still reading.. the following will likely be TMI and sexually graphic in detail. If you are still reading... consider yourself warned!

Random things #5 said: "I have a piercing below my navel and above my knees"

It came about because like many women, I have a hard time reaching the big "O" with just intercourse. I can get there with help from manual stimulation, oral stimulation, vibrating stimulation, etc. but not from intercourse alone. Even though this is extraordinarily common, I felt like perhaps there was something I could do since I felt like getting me to orgasm was such a production. Guys get there so easy, it's damn frustrating.

I started my research and from all of the things I read, the vertical hood piercing was reported to produce fantastic stimulation during intercourse. My sister-in-law already had a horizontal hood piercing that she really liked, but also wanted to get the vertical piercing.

I was dating someone at the time and thought I should ask him what he thought first. Ha ha, I shouldn't have been concerned! He happily gave his blessing and off we went. The two of us went to a reputable tattoo/piercing place where my SIL got her first one done. First we picked out the gauge of barbell. For this type of piercing, the barbell is curved like this:

We both picked the smallest gauge. She went first and told me I could watch him pierce her. We were in a small very clean room that had a table like at the doctors office. He had a jar of new sharpies, gloves, sterile needles and other items. First he put on gloves then took out her other piercing, cleaned the area and used a new sharpie to mark where the piercing would go.

Then he took a hollow tube in one hand and placed it under the hood of her clit (very few people actually have their clitoris pierced.) With the other hand he prepared the needle using the hollow tube as a guide. One quick movement and the piercing was complete. He then followed the needle with the barbell, screwed on the ball and she was good to go.

My turn!

Since I am a woman and have had a baby, having a guy pierce me was not really a big deal. Many a strange man and woman have seen things on me that I have only witnessed via hand-held mirror.

So the process was the same for me, new gloves, new sharpie, new needle, new tube, new barbell, etc. 1, 2, 3, OUCH!! Shit that hurt! Anyone who has had anything pierced knows that burning hot sensation that you get with the pain... this was no different. It felt like my clit was on fire!

The pain lasted about 3 hours and then it was only a twinge here and there.

So... that was 4 years and 4 boyfriends ago... So far no complaints from any of them, lol. I can't feel it when I am just walking around or anything, it does help with stimulation a little, but really not enough that I would do it again. My SIL on the other hand said that hers gave her way too much stimulation so she had to take it out. I don't think she ever got the other one put back in.

I like the shock factor it gives when someone I am dating finds out there might be more to me than meets the eye... ;)

Other than that one and my ears, I don't have any more piercings. I have considered having the gauge changed to see if that made a difference, but I don't really think it will. I have no plans to get any more!

As for men and Prince Albert's, it's really not my thing. I wouldn't want my man to get a piercing on his penis. That probably sounds super hypocritical, lol. Even though I consider myself to be open sexually and up for experimentation, I generally don't like the look/idea of body piercings, and think that for me, this was more of a functional piercing rather than just for aesthetics.

My first blog honor

2009-01-03T17:17:00.009-05:00

I started this blog as an outlet for thoughts and expressions that I have been carrying with me for years, but felt unable to share with people I know. Through reading other blogs and searching back in my life I have come to understand how intimately connected we are to each other through our lives, experiences and feelings.

I appreciate all of the bloggers who visit, comment, inspire and encourage. And I am honored to be nominated for this blogger award by one of my very favorite bloggers: Ugly Black John . If you aren't a reader already, check him out!

To keep the honors moving and to encourage others on their journey, here are 10 bloggers who inspire me:

Mr. Slish: http://mrslish.wordpress.com/
I started reading this blog waaay before I started writing. Funny, entertaining, and the best story teller ever!

Curious: http://limited-means.blogspot.com/
The best picture-blogger I know. If his blogs don't speak to you the pictures will. Curious speaks to me in layers of life and experience.

GirlCaspar: http://bxholdthecheese.blogspot.com/
Forever to be known on my blog as "GirlCas". This blogger can get you right in the gut or have your mind circling around a thought for days. Smart, funny, introspective. Love her.

Nikki: http://iniquitous1.blogspot.com/
The most entertainingly descriptive blogger I read. She can take you with her wherever she has been, just as if you were in the room with her. Talented, very, very talented.

One Man: http://lookatthisnigger.blogspot.com/
Family, work and shenanigans. What else can I say.

ClnMike: http://thehappygoluckybachelor.blogspot.com/
Always clean, always entertaining. Currently writing his "deal breakers" list. Usually contains disturbing pictures and fantastic music to go along with his great blogging skills.

DorchestersDaughter: http://latenotsogreats20s.blogspot.com/
This blogger is sharp! DD shares her life, growth and thoughts in a very honest and real way.

Miss Mahogony: http://missmahogany.blogspot.com/
MM has a talent for writing. After you check out her main page, check out the adult-rated one too. Steamy!

FreeMan: http://freemanpress.wordpress.com/
FreeMan is so smart and so on top of all things thought-provoking. He also has a snazzy new blog-design.

DTW: http://dariustwilliams.blogspot.com/
Darius has big things poppin! His regular blog, his cooking blog, the bloggers book club blog, plus a new web cooking show. He's on FIRE! On top of all that, DTW is a regular visitor to many blogs. His entertaining style will keep you laughing for days.

Thanks again to UBJ for the nomination, to all my blogger fam for reading and to all of those I nominated for keeping the award moving.

If you have been named above, please visit the Helping Hand blog to read the rules for paying it forward.

Happy New Year - 2009

2009-01-01T00:13:00.002-05:00

Hey blogger family - Happy New Year!

The one I love is in D.C. with a few of his best friends and I know better than to be out driving with all of the inexperienced drunk drivers (lol). I decided to be the cool mom and let my son have a New Years Party at our house. We had pizza, chips, oreos (they ate the WHOLE BAG), and lots of soda.

I did buy 2 bottles of champaign, but I don't really like champaign so it's still in the fridge unopened... lol. I talked on the phone with my best friend for a while, both of us were stifiling yawns, ready for bed and turning our ringers on silent so we didn't have to hear all the text messages coming through!

My other (male) best friend who is in Chicago sent me a text message at New Years my time even though it's technically not New Years for him yet. That's love! I don't think I'm staying up till 1 to return the favor (I'm on New York time, which we all know is the real New Years time!)

I have decided there are two things I want to learn in 2009. Ready? Here goes:

1. I want to learn how to shoot a gun and go to the shooting range at least 10 times.

2. I want to learn how to play the acoustic guitar.

I'm all for learning and trying new things, how about you? What do you want to learn in 2009?

*I have no idea who Trevor is or what his blog is about. I googled "happy new year" and I liked this image. Thanks Trevor.

Frustration

2008-12-28T16:08:00.002-05:00

Sometimes I get so frustrated with my love life.

2 months ago, the one I love and I had a conversation about "where this is going." He said "I'm almost ready to take it to the next level, commit, have an official girlfriend, start having our kids around each other, etc." Great, me too. I was so excited and scared of the prospect of a real relationship. Happy to finally have the kids together, thinking about all the things that we could do and how much more time we would have. Since he has his kids every other week, the weeks he has them we don't see each other at all.

I thought things would naturally progress from there... Yet a whole month went by, 2 of 2 dates were cancelled and I was becoming increasingly frustrated.

About a month after our talk, I finally got him on the phone on a Sunday afternoon. I told him how I felt about not seeing him for a month. I wanted to know what was going on? I thought we were taking it to the next level and now I haven't seen you for a month. I have all the patience in the world so long as we're on the same page, but if we're not - If I'm not what you want and who you want to be with then you need to let me know. I've never asked any man to be somewhere he didn't want to be.

I finally told him I love him, and I told him we have known each other long enough that he should know whether or not he sees me in a place of importance in his life. You should already know if you can see me as your girlfriend. You should already know if you can see me as your wife. You should already know. And if you can't see me in that role, then you need to let me go. Two hours later, he said he wasn't ready to fully commit to a relationship, but he might be ready soon, he isn't sure, he's got some things he needs to work on. He said he thought we should "table" our relationship. Really? That's what you want to do? A month ago you were ready to take it to the next level and now you're not?

When a man tells me he isn't ready for a relationship I hear "You're not the one". This change of heart instantly had me thinking there was another woman on the scene. Of course I asked, of course he said no.

When I am with this man, I feel his love for me, so not for one minute did I believe that he really wanted to end it.. but, since I didn't know what was really going on, I figured what the hell, let me find out for sure.

So I asked him if he would be willing to tell me to my face that he wanted to table the relationship. 3 days later we met at Panera Bread over coffee.. We talked about everything else but what we were there to talk about. On the way out he helped me with my coat and walked me to my car. He looked at me, kissed my forehead, hugged me, kissed my forehead again, said "I'll talk to you soon" and started walking away.

I was like, wait - wasn't there a purpose for this meeting? He smiled and said "yeah, so I could see you" I said - That's it? He said "yeah, that's it" I said - You're sure? He said "yeah, I'll talk to you soon" - Uh huh.. ok.

I waited about 30 minutes and called him - "So..." I said. He said, "I think we should talk about it some more." I said, so you don't want to table it? He said, "no." Ok, we can talk about it some more.

That was about 3 weeks ago or so. We've talked regularly on the phone since then. Sometimes for a while, sometimes just for a quick minute. We made plans to get together last night. I went to his place where we talked and had a few beers. I had a party I needed to show my face at, but with him was where I really wanted to be. I had to leave to go to the party (he wouldn't go with me... what is up with that? I'll save that for another day). I returned to him an hour later where we had some more beer, talked and watched tv.

He fell asleep on the couch with his arms wrapped around me. I started playing with his nipples and rubbing his head. He was like "woman, stop that" lol. He got up, said he needed to go to bed so he could get up early for church. I thought he was going to send me on my way, but he flipped the script on me and said, let me get you a t-shirt to sleep in.

We undressed in the dark - he usually undresses me in a passionate frenzy, but this time he was keeping his distance. He tossed me a t-shirt, I took off my jeans revealing a black thong. He was like, hold up! Flipped the light on real quick to get a better look and then shut the light off.. lol.

I finished undressing, put his t-shirt on and got in the bed. I spooned my back-side to his front side and he teased me telling me to stay on my side of the bed. Two can play that game... I scooted over to my side and layed on my stomach giving him the dark silouette of my ample rear under the covers.

It wasn't long before his hands were all over me and his tounge was tracing across my ears and neck. He had me melting into the bed with his lips and tounge and hands.

We slept for a few hours until it was time for him to get up for church and me to get home. "Call me so I know you made it home ok" he said.

I'm frustrated with us. I'm frustrated that he won't commit. I'm frustrated that I'm 35 and I feel like it's never going to happen for me. I'm frustrated that I feel like my life is incomplete without a partner to share it with. I'm frustrated that my life is passing me by, day by day, year by year and I can't ever get past the "potential girlfriend or girlfriend" stage.

I'm afraid that I'm going to end up alone. No more kids, no husband, no lover who really knows me inside and out. No family to call my own. No one to come home to, to hold me, to love me. I'm frustrated that I know our chances of working out are slim based on his current behavior, but that I still believe it can.

I love this man. I just don't know if I should let go or keep chasing pavement.

Merry Christmas!

2008-12-25T08:40:00.003-05:00

Merry Christmas and happy Thursday! My son woke me up at 7 am (yawn.) He used to never wake up early on Christmas morning. When he was little, I used to have to wake him up!

My son didn't really ask for anything this year. He has everything he needs and most things he wants. So here's what he got from me (a.k.a Santa):

iLuv Stereo/ipod docking system with sub woofer

ipod car charger

ipod wall charger

itunes gift card $15

Nike cold weather compression leggings/pants

Leather belt with removable buckle (he's really into belt buckles this year)

We had a great Christmas morning and will be running around all day :) Merry Christmas blogger family, I hope you have a super day!

Wordless Wednesday

2008-12-24T10:55:00.001-05:00

10 random things about me

2008-12-22T20:19:00.002-05:00

Same rules as all the other tags: Link back to the person who tagged you. He refused to tag, so I self-tagged. Forgive me, I had nothing else to say today.

Answer the questions Tag 7 other bloggers (it's always 7, people need to be more creative) Let them know in the comments they were tagged. (we know I'm not tagging anyone right? tag yourself if you want to)

10 random things about me:

I used to paint, sculpt and draw

My right ring finger is double jointed

I've never been off the continent

I have 1 tattoo

I have a piercing below my navel and above my knees

I hate sleeping with socks on

I envy muscular women

I wear mens boxer briefs

I wish they made them in cotton without the boy-hole

I want to own an art gallery

9 ways to win my heart:

Smarts (don't believe everything you hear, go find out for yourself. Intellegence is sexy)

Affection (Wrap your arms around me, kiss my forehead, hold my hand)

Responsible (Do what you need to do when you need to do it)

Fun (Make me laugh and let me tell my corny jokes)

Humble (Know that you might be the world to me, but the world doesn't revolve around you)

Great teeth (A great smile is worth a thousand words)

Giving (Show me that you love me and others in your life. Give of your time, give your attention, give your love)

Sexy (Know how and when to step it up a notch)

Hard-working (Put in work and reap the rewards)

8 things I want to do before I die:

Learn how to carry a tune

Travel the world

Design my own handbags and shoes

Sell one of my paintings

Find and marry my life partner

Have a daughter

Be a philanthropist

Learn to play the guitar/ukulele

7 ways to annoy me:

Being late

Being disrepectful

Being a bad parent

Placing blame on others

Expect others to handle your business

Not following through

Being stupid (in all it's forms)

6 things I believe in:

My son

Love

Karma

Positive energy

Acupuncture

Cleanliness

5 things I am afraid of:

Losing control

Not being loved

My son being harmed

Success

Failure

4 of my favorite things:

Flannel sheets

Fresh lavender

Chai Tea

Dark chocolate

3 things I do daily:

Kiss my son

Pray

Worry

2 things I want to do within the hour:

Relax

Snow Day!

2008-12-19T12:38:00.003-05:00

All the schools are closed, the snow is up past my back door. The steps up my front porch no longer have any definition, they just look like a big mound of snow.

I'm working from home today, lucky to have the ability to log into e-mail and take care of just about everything from the comfort of my couch.

I'll take pictures when the snow stops, hope you are safe and warm wherever you are today!

The Lover

2008-12-15T22:20:00.005-05:00

The sing-song ring tone went off in her purse. What does he want?, she wondered to herself. Hello? I'm out shopping. No, I'm not buying anything for you.

Laughing along with his unusually playful mood she realizes he's flirting with her again. "Can I see you later?" he asks. Yes, she replies, you can see me when you pick up our son for the party. "No, after that", he says.

He enters the house smelling like cologne and pipe tobacco. He likes those little cigars, the Black and Mild Vanilla. She really wishes he would quit smoking them. Better than cigarettes, she thinks to herself. He walks into the kitchen muttering something about "his kind of beer" and "who's this in this picture on the fridge?"

She walks into the small kitchen only to realize it's a trap. He just wanted her to be close to him. He points out people in pictures he has seen 10 times. "Who's that? Who's this?" He didn't really care. He just needed and wanted her in his space.

He moved so that he brushed up against her causing her skin to pucker into ten thousand little bumps. Uncontrollable. She walked away knowing he was looking at her ass in her yoga pants the whole time.

Is it cold in here? She wondered aloud. Come here, he said, "I'll warm you up" as he opened his winter coat to welcome her inside. He rarely shows this kind of affection she thinks to herself as she allows him to envelope her into his embrace. It's warm in here.

He starts to move her slowly backward into her bedroom. She resists but she's no match for him. He can easily lift her off the floor and put her exactly where he wants her. She continues to resist even though she knows it's futile. Damn him.

In the bedroom, the lights are off and he pushes her gently toward the bed. Warm lips touch her face, her neck, her lips. "Give me some sugar" he whispers. No. She keeps her lips pressed together refusing to kiss him back.

His weight on her is heavy. They are fully dressed, he even has on his winter coat and hat. But still, the position is intimate, familiar, comforting. He grabs her hair and pulls back hard exposing her neck. Her weakness.

"Kiss me!", he demands. No. She shakes her head, but dares not open her lips.

He ravages her neck, sucking gently across the surface, stroking with his tounge and lips near her collarbone and up around the base of her hairline. With every breath and every stroke she can feel the familiarity returning. Yin and Yang in life, in love, in sync, together forever.

"Do you miss me?", he asks. No. "Tell me the truth." No. "Look me in my eye and tell me you don't miss me." I don't miss you. "You swear?" his voice cracking just a little giving away his emotion like a secret note being passed in school, hoping no one would notice. She couldn't answer.

"Kiss me" he insisted as he ravaged her neck some more, his hands gently tugging and pulling her hair and neck this way and that, opening her for his pleasure, knowing it's the way to her heart and fire.

She couldn't resist. Her teeth caught his bottom lip as he was whispering kisses and love into her soul. Her toungue gathered his energy and returned it to him, sucking gently, licking, flicking, playfully stealing his breath and words from his mouth.

He sighed deeply as he felt her love pass through him. No more words were spoken as he embraced her, wrapped her in his arms, loved her in the moment, knowing that she loved him back. This one, the lover, she's all his. He pulled her out and away from the others. They can have her back tomorrow.

I Adopted A Girl!!!

2008-12-12T07:29:00.006-05:00

Ok, not for forever, just for Christmas!

So after feeling lousy about the season and like there was more I needed to be doing this holiday, I contacted an organization in my community that I thought I could help. They service over a thousand families and organize the adopt-a-family for Christmas program. They had all of their families accounted for and then got word that one more family needed help.

I sent an e-mail yesterday, and within 10 minutes "Bob" was calling my desk to talk to me about this family. There are 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl who were just adopted by their grandparents. Since this family didn't have sponsors for Christmas, the administration team decided that they would adopt this famiy of 5. "Bob" invited me to join the administration team in sponsoring this family and I happily accepted!

In my e-mail to "Bob" I mentioned that while I would be willing to sponsor any family, one with a little girl would be especially nice for me since I have been buying boy-stuff for 13 years. Just my luck (or God's hands at work) this family includes a 4 year old little girl, and they are letting me buy just for her - Yay!

I went online today and bought her a red coat with a fuzzy hood, 2 pair of pants, 2 shirts, a micro-fleece 1/2 zip coat, a hat and mittens. I still need to get some socks, boots, a toy and a book or two or three (you can never have too many books!)

Guess what - IT'S CHRISTMAS! And I'm excited!

For any of you feeling the way I did the other day - go find something, anything to give. It's made a HUGE difference in my mental state and it's bringing my heart alive.

Christmas Blues

2008-12-10T20:09:00.002-05:00

We're just 2 weeks away from Christmas and I have yet to feel the spirit of the holiday. So many people are in a hard place this year and for most of us, the saying "charity begins at home" has never been more true.

Many who give to the local food bank now depend on that same food bank to eat. Those who previously gave their gently used clothes to the salvation army might now need to shop there for their own children.

I have two friends who are out of work, one who got his car stolen and lost his job in the same week. The other has been out of a job for months, in fact, I think she has been out of a job since Spring. Thankfully, both of them have good families that will stand by them and help them out. And I know that if I ended up in a similar place, my family would help me out.

Every year at work we adopt a few needy families for Christmas. I always ask for the youngest little girl so I can go buy girly stuff (13 years of boy-stuff will do that to you!) Like many companies this year, we cancelled our Christmas party, asked managers not to take their staff out to lunch or dinner on the company's dime and... we also didn't find any needy families to serve.

How I feel right now is how I have felt in other situations and the best way I can explain it is to use the title of a book (that I still have yet to read) by Marian Wright Edelman: "Sea Is So Wide and My Boat Is So Small".

I feel like a little ship in an ocean so wide where the need is so great. The greatest gift we can give, is the gift of our time and our service to others. I know that when I find a way to serve someone else, the Christmas spirit will come alive in me.

The Whore, The Lady and The Lover

2008-11-30T14:56:00.004-05:00

The whore likes the games and the sexual desire always brimming on the surface. She wants to win by losing the game and end up bent over the couch with a hot stiff dick in her pussy or on her knees with a big cock between her lips. She's always there, watching, noticing subtle hints of arousal, a smile, a glance, a light brush of a hand. When he pulls her hair or pushes her up against the wall, it's everything she can do to keep the juices from running down her leg. Damn, he knows her too well.

The lady is the smart one. She is wise, reflective, knows when enough is enough and gives the best advice. She works hard so that she is dependent on no one, even though she knows that she would like someone to share her life with and love. She pays the bills, takes care of the house, makes sure everything is taken care of. She also knows better than to get involved with him again. He loves her, desires her, but he can't commit and his attention never lasts. So she tolerates him for the sake of the greater good, then puts him in his place and keeps it movin'.

The lover thinks only in memories and feelings. Her love is strong, fierce, unwavering, committed and permanent. She remembers every word spoken in love, every touch, every good morning kiss, every link of emotion that ties her to him. He became a part of her and he cannot be relinquished. She yearns for him when she is feeling disconnected and lonely, she aches for the familiarity of his touch. His warm embrace completes her and makes her feel whole.

The lover knows that the lady is right most of the time. Love doesn't mean a thing with no action to back it up. Sometimes she just needs a new memory to refresh her, to know that the love was real once upon a time. She hates the whore. Where is the commitment? The love? The respect for herself in the morning? How can she just let him enter her body and possess her without love?

When it comes to him, the lady fights with both the lover and the whore. 15 years of his bullshit was more than enough for her to give up and move on. A few years ago she thought he changed. He was so sweet, so open, even happy. She should have known better, she listened to the lover and what happened? The same bullshit. She knows better than to listen to that sweet sugar the lover tries to whisper in her ear. And the whore, she got what she wanted too.

The whore is the worst of the three. God she is insatiable. Whenever he gets near her she starts sweating and dripping all over the place. Just the thought of him inside her has her telling the lady to go read a book and mind her business. And the lover, she reads too much into the most finite detail. The whore just wants to feel pleasure; no pain, no thought, no love.

It's peaceful when he stays away, but the three of them fight like crazy whenever he comes around. Last time, the lady won, she was feeling strong, determined, and couldn't be bothered with any of them. Now she's vulnerable, wounded, hurt, and broken hearted. Don't tell the lover or the whore. They're still licking their wounds from the last round, but if they had a chance, they would kick the lady's ass.

Wordless Wednesday

2008-11-26T16:27:00.002-05:00

Slacker

2008-11-24T20:05:00.003-05:00

I know, I know, I have been slacking on the blog - my bad.

Friday I played cards with my cousin and a bunch of other girls. We had a Euchre tournament - I didn't place, but I came close! Her friend lives about an hour away so I didn't get home till almost 3 am.

Saturday I shopped at Target, Meijer, and TJ Maxx. I picked up essentials at Target, Thankgiving dinner stuff at Meijer and a few pairs of jeans for my son at TJ Maxx. Then my son and I went to see Madagascar 2 - It was good, my favorite part is still the song that Moto-Moto sings. I like em chunky, I like em thick, "Girl, you so BIG!" ha ha ha ha ha - too funny.

Sunday we had breakfast with my dad, this is a family tradition that has been going on for more than 12 years. My dad, my son and I (plus extras when they are around like friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc.) meet every Sunday for breakfast at 9:30. I remember Sunday, January 1, 1999 we had 13 inches of snowfall. I was driving a Suzuki Esteem at that time. My dad called and said "you still want to go to breakfast?" I said, sure just come dig me out first - so he did!

We didn't do too much the rest of the day. A friend of mine stopped over and so did my mom. We ended up talking and having cocktails till about 8:30 - they left and I chilled. I think I was in the bed by 10:10.

I'm only working today and tomorrow this week. I need to take my son to the barber on Wednesday so he looks sharp for the holiday and then we have teeth cleaning appointments in the afternoon.

I'm cooking for my dad & his girlfriend (and anyone else who stops in) on Thursday. Since I am allergic to Turkey I am going to buy a spiral honey-baked ham, make some scalloped potatoes, dressing, gravy, salad, and green beans. My dad is baking an apple pie. Sweet potatoes don't agree with him, so I think I am going to skip those on the menu.

Friday we will be going to my Aunt's house for Thanksgiving again. Then off to the stores I go Friday morning. Target is one of my favorite spots for Black Friday. They always have really good movies for $3.

So blogger fam, where are you going or what are you cooking for Thanksgiving? Do you shop on Black Friday or do you hibernate in the house?

Wordless Wednesday

2008-11-19T17:54:00.001-05:00

10 Days

2008-11-18T20:39:00.003-05:00

I commented the following on Torrance's page, and liked it enough to make it my own post. So here it is again - 10 days that were important in my life or made a significant impact on who I am.

In chronological order:

1. Moving to a new city and new school at age 7 - traumatizing!

2. The day my mother came home from the hospital after her brain tumor surgery. Life would never be the same.

3. The day Barnabas Lekganyane came to my home. Powerful.

4. The day I almost drowned. Resurrected.

5. The day I was raped. Never completely recovered.

6. The day my son was born. Never knew love before.

7. The day I miscarried my second child. It still hurts.

8. The day fear took on a whole new meaning (9-11). Evil has no shame.

9. The day I could say with certainty that I was free from his mental grasp. It was a long time coming.

10. The day I fell in love again. So glad I was finally free.

Weekend Wrap Up

2008-11-17T20:30:00.008-05:00

Friday night I went out with the girls for dinner and drinks. We were going to go dancing, but it was raining and cold outside so the bar scene was dead. Oh well, we still had fun!

On Saturday we had an indoor garage sale at my son's school... again, it was cold and raining outside so no one came out.. I sold 3 pairs of pants and a baseball cap. The one I love and I were supposed to go out to dinner for my birthday, but he had something important come up, so we had to cancel our plans. I decided to stay in and cook so I tried the Mac & Cheese recipe from DTW's food blog.

I greased my pan:

Then boiled my noodles:

I shredded 4 kinds of cheese:

Made a roux:

Added spices and cheese and created a pan of yummy goodness!

I found this recipe to be really, really good flavor-wise, but a little too greasy (versus creamy). Not sure if one of the cheeses was to blame? I think that a lower oil content cheese might be necessary to get the consistancy I prefer.

Then I made some fried/baked chicken. I breaded the chicken and browned both sides in some olive oil on the stove, then put the whole pan in the oven for 50 minutes. The chicken was so good!

I also made some sweet potatoes just because.

Here's the final plating DTW style (minus the cool triangle plates):

On Sunday we raked leaves just before it started to snow.

Then we went to the Charles H. Wright Museum of African American History so my mom could see the King Tutankhamun exhibit. She is facinated with King Tut and the exhibit was great but they won't let you take pictures so this is all I have to show you of our trip!

After the museum we went to a little restaurant where dill pickle soup is on the menu. My mom swore that it was great, so I gave it a try. It really was good, kind of tasted like cabbage soup. Here's a pic:

Even though I didn't get to see the one I love, it was still a good weekend. Hope you enjoyed yours!

Happy Birthday To Me

2008-11-11T22:52:00.007-05:00

It's my birthday!! As of the 12th day of November, I will be 35 years, or 420 months, or 1820 weeks, or 12775 days old... that's as far as I go it was nerdy enough.. lol.

My mom and son took me out to The Melting Pot for an early birthday dinner. We had chedder cheese fondu with bread, veggies and my personal favorite, apples. Then we had a nice salad followed by fish, scallops and shrimp for me, steak & shrimp for my son, and vegetarian (artichokes, mushrooms, eggplant, red peppers, tofu, etc.) for my mom.

I got a "Love Martini" it was pink and had heart-shaped stawberries in it, yummy!

After all that - we still found room for dessert.. here's a look:

There were... strawberries, bananas, marshmallows, rice krispy treats, cheesecake, brownies, angel food cake and a cherry on top!

The Happy Birthday card was signed by everyone working at the restaurant that evening - so cute.

The chocolate thing on the right hand side was an oreo encrusted marshmallow. Who knew!?!

I brought some home:

Our pot of chocolate to dip in:

We had a really great server "Guy" and server's assistant "Tyrell". After dinner, Guy took us on a tour of the building/resturant. It was a great time, I had a great birthday dinner that will take weeks to burn off (lol) and I am so thankful for my wonderful family and many blessings.

Falling apart

2008-11-10T23:57:00.002-05:00

I'm not eating right, I'm not excercising enough, I'm not sleeping enough. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, my skin looks like crap. I work full time, go to school part time, raise my son by myself and take care of a house.

As if that weren't enough, I lost about 45% of my monthly child support due to some FOC rule changes so I'm now looking for a part time job.

I already cancelled the home phone, stopped seeing the acupuncturist, switched the cable to economy basic ($15.99 per month), stopped paying extra on my mortgage, upped my deductions on my W4's and lowered my 401k contribution. I can pay my bills and buy gas & groceries but not much else.

Money might not make you happy, but it certainly affords you the ability to worry less. This weekend I spent from Friday evening to Sunday morning in the house primarly on the couch watching movies. Not in a depression, but definitely feeling BLAH.

Pray for me. I need it.

Fall = Apple Pie

2008-11-08T22:43:00.003-05:00

Apple Pie is a family favorite and homemade crust is a must. My mom & I made some apple pies the other day - See for yourselves!

Jedi Mind Tricks

2008-11-06T14:53:00.002-05:00

I went home for lunch today and passed a gas station near my house where gas is $1.96 per gallon!

$27.00 to fill up my truck - wow!

YES WE DID!!

2008-11-04T23:20:00.002-05:00

I knew we could do it, and we did!

Congratulations President Obama!!!

Today is the day....

2008-11-04T06:19:00.003-05:00

Voting, court, anxiety, nervousness, and excitement. Man this is going to be some day. I set my alarm to wake me an hour early so that I can be as prepared as possible for the day. I have court for child support at 11:30 today. I really wish that it was earlier in the day so we could go and get it over with and then have the rest of the day to go vote.

The earliest I can drop my son off at school is about 8:00 am, then it will take 15 or 20 minutes for me to get back to the place I vote. I have to be out of there by 10:30 to drive downtown for court and still have time to park and figure out where I need to be.

I guess if the lines are too long for that, I will go get some breakfast and wait until this afternoon to go vote. I'm not trying to stand in line for hours in high heels anyway.

I hope all of you who haven't voted already have fast moving lines today and good people to talk with while you are in line. We're in it to win it! Obama/Biden '08!!

Ok...I'm off to collect my thoughts and get ready for my day. Pray for me, I need it.

UPDATE: I dropped my son off, drove to the community center, pulled into the parking lot, walked in, filled out my ballot and walked out. Took all of 5 minutes - let's hope court goes as smoothly.

After all this stress, I think I might try and schedule a massage today... off to call "Maria the massuse"

A hurt so good

2008-11-01T18:49:00.004-04:00

You know when you kiss for hours and your lips hurt and feel

slightly bruised and swollen from the pressure and intensity of desire.

My lips feel like that.

Only... not the ones attached to my face.

Lower.

Damn. It hurts so good.

Wow.

2008-10-29T20:20:00.002-04:00

I'm sitting here watching the future President Obama's commercial with hope in my heart and tears running down my cheeks. 6 days folks. 6 days.

What is gender?

2008-10-29T19:31:00.002-04:00

So I'm sitting here watching Dr. Phil and today they have on parents of kids (little kids) who feel they are the wrong gender. In two of the cases the boys felt like they were girls. They wanted to dress in girl clothing, wear barrettes, play with dolls and do "girl" things. In both of these cases, after the parents struggled with it for a while, they allowed their sons to dress like girls and essentially change their outward appearance to female.

When my son was little, he used to want me to paint his fingernails and toenails and he also liked to wear a tutu (like for ballet), lol. In addition, he was facinated with trucks, trains and sports. He no longer wants me to paint his fingernails or dress in girls clothing, but what if he did?

I have an Aunt who always acted like a boy - always. She looked like a boy (strong jaw, narrow build, no hips, etc.) she acted like a boy, she sounded like a boy when she talked, she played sports and overall acted like a boy. No one was really surprised when she "came out of the closet" and announced that she was gay. But is she? If a child is born with male genitalia but feels like a girl, acts like a girl, wants to be a girl and likes boys - Is he homosexual... or a straight girl born with the wrong genetalia? If a child is born with female genitalia but feel like a boy, acts like a boy, wants to be a boy and likes girls - Is she homosexual...or a straight boy born with the wrong genetalia?

When I think about what makes me a woman it isn't because I have hips, breasts and a vagina. I like my body to be feminine, I like to be pampered, I like to have my hair done, I loved the feeling of feeding an infant from my body, I like feeling pretty and sexy and well...womanly. I want a daughter because I want to dress her in pink, do her hair in barrettes and headbands and paint her fingernails. I want to be there when she gets her first bra and have tea parties with her. It doesn't mean that she couldn't love sports, but she can do that and be a girl at the same time. I do!

So anyway - on this show they had some other opinions of folks not in this situation who thought that there was no way that a boy could be born in the wrong body because "God doesn't make mistakes." For parents to allow their kids to express that they feel like another gender is just bad parenting... Are they kidding me? What sane parent would choose to have their child change genders? What sane child would choose to be made fun of at school, looked at funny, ridiculed for being different, etc. They wouldn't.

So blogger fam.. what say you? What makes you male? What makes you female? What attracts you to the opposite sex or the same sex or both? What would you do if your son or daughter came to you and said they wanted to change genders? Do you think that we're born to be the gender that the anatomy between our legs suggests us to be, or do you think that gender is formed in the mind?

Why's it always gotta be the black guy?

2008-10-25T23:16:00.007-04:00

WTF is up with these crazy girls always blaming it on the black guy? Seriously - is it because of a racial hatred or is it because people are so uneducated about other cultures that they figure they can use a "one-size-fits-most" description and the "guy" will never be found?

The lady that drowned her kids and blamed it on a big black guy - this crazy chick below who carved a backwards "B" into her face and blamed it on a big black guy - both obviously INSANE!! And when this stuff happens, is it an intentional move to further destroy the image of the African American male or is it the (convenient) inability to provide an accurate description?

Think about Asian Americans - can you pick out the differences in facial or body features of individuals in order to pick the right guy out of a line-up or are most Asians small-framed, brown hair, brown eyes, beige skin, etc.? Do you know how to tell if someone on the street is Chinese, Japanese or Vietnamese or do they all look the same to you?

For European Americans - if you are a European American there are a few more common possibilities: Eye color could be blue or brown - hair color could be brown, blonde, red or black and scars or tattoo's would stand out. But if you aren't white, do you notice the differences? Would you be able to tell if that "white" guy over there was Italian, Jewish or Irish?

For African Americans - if you are African American you learn to notice skin tone, eye color and shape, hair style and color, freckles or not, lip shape, height, weight, etc. But if you aren't black you might describe an African American as having "brown hair, brown eyes, and brown skin, 6' tall, medium build" without being able to describe any other distinctive features because they either never learned, or never spent enough time around other cultures to learn the subtle differences.

Same goes for Mexican Americans or Arab Americans - Do you know what features to look for to provide an accurate description if you really needed to?

I am so glad our society is getting better and better at calling out the crazy and placing blame exactly where it does belong and putting these people in jail - right where they belong. Personally.. I think anyone caught blaming their own crimes on the "big black guy" should get an extra 15 years behind bars.

HR Sex?..

2008-10-25T22:28:00.002-04:00

I'm taking an International HR class right now... Is it just me, or does this paragraph sound strangely sexual?

"Hard, soft and contextual goals are often used as the basis for performance criteria."

Hard goals are objective, quantifialble and can be directly measured. (lol - I'll say!)

Soft goals tend to be relationship based and involve interpersonal skills. (When it's soft, you need to have your conversational skills tight!)

Contextual goals attempt to take into consideration factors that result from the situation in which performance occurs. (Dude, better bring your "A" game!)

Scorpio

2008-10-23T09:53:00.002-04:00

It's almost my birthday...More about how I feel about this later... for now - here's the Scorpio as defined by www.astrocenter.astrology.msn.com

Beneath a controlled, cool exterior beats the heart of the deeply intense Scorpio. Passionate, penetrating, and determined, this sign will probe until they reach the truth. The Scorpio may not speak volumes or show emotions readily, yet rest assured there's an enormous amount of activity happening beneath the surface. Excellent leaders, Scorpions are always aware. When it comes to resourcefulness, this sign comes out ahead.

Friends and Family

Sincerity and truth are strong components of the Scorpio's friends. It can take some time before really close bonds are formed, but once done, the Scorpio will remain dedicated and loyal. Witty and intellectual, they prefer companions who are humorous and easygoing. Full of surprises, this sign will give you the shirt off their backs if that's what you need, yet once they are crossed, there's no turning back. They feel deeply, and once hurt, it can be impossible to turn things around. Commitment to family is strong and consistent with the Scorpio. They are exceptionally helpful in managing affairs, and they are excellent advocates when needed.

Career and Money

I desire is the key phrase for the Scorpio. They are fantastic at managing, solving, or creating. Once the Scorpio sets their sights on a goal, there's no deterring this sign. Tasks that require a scientific, penetrating approach are always best done by Scorpions as they will delve deeply into the materials they have. Their ability to focus coupled with determination makes for strong management skills. They're not ones to worry about making friends on the job scene; rather, they prefer to see the task accomplished well.

Pursuing such careers as scientist, doctor, investigator, navigator, detective, researcher, police officer, business manager, and psychologist all suit the mighty Scorpio. Respect is an essential aspect of working for this sign. They need to respect their coworkers while also feeling a sense of being respected by others.

Scorpions are disciplined enough to stick to a budget and unafraid of working as hard and as long as it takes to get themselves in a good financial position. Many are fortunate and inherit money. Whatever the case - and regardless of the balance - they are great managers of their dollars and are not apt to overspend. Money means security and a sense of control, which is important to the Scorpio. Therefore, they're going to hang onto the majority of the cash, making decisions carefully before turning any of it over.

Love and Sex

This is the strongest of the sexualities in the Zodiac. Incredibly passionate, the Scorpio takes intimacy seriously. Partners need to be intelligent and honest. Much of the foreplay for this sign happens long before the bedroom through conversation and observation. Once in love, they are devoted and loyal to the death. But relationships can take some time. The Scorpio needs to build trust and respect for a potential mate slowly and thoroughly.

SCORPIO TIDBITS

Health
Each sign has a part of the anatomy attached to it, making this the area of the body that is most sensitive to stimulation. The anatomical areas for Scorpio are the genitals, bladder, rectum, and the reproductive organs.

Ruling Planet
The ruling planet for Scorpio is Pluto. Traditionally, this planet rules that which is hidden from view. It also represents conception, birth, death, slow growth, generation, regeneration, unpopular causes, anonymity, phobias, and the exposition of secrets.

Colors
The colors of choice for Scorpio are dark red and maroon.

Gemstone
Scorpio's star stone is the opal.

Lucky Numbers
Scorpio's lucky numbers are 2, 7, and 9.

Compatibility
Scorpions are most compatible with Pisces and Cancer.

Opposite Sign
The opposite sign of Scorpio is Taurus.

The Perfect Gift
The best gifts for a Scorpio are sentimental choices, clothing (especially something sexy), and non-fiction books.

Likes
Truth, facts, being right, teasing, longtime friends, a grand passion, a worthy adversary

Dislikes
Dishonesty, passive people, revealing secrets

House
Natural sign of the Eighth House. This house focuses on sex, taxes, death and rebirth, a partner's resources, inheritance, and regeneration.

Famous Scorpions
Hillary Clinton, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sean Combs, Julia Roberts

Best travel destination
Zambia, Syria, Norway, Halifax, Liverpool, New Orleans, Washington, D.C.

Strengths
Passionate, stubborn, resourceful, brave, a true friend

Weaknesses
Jealous, distrusting, secretive, violent, caustic

Charismatic marks
An intense look in the eyes, muscular

Best environment
Dark, sensuous places, any situation that offers power or rouses strong feelings

I Spy With My Little Eye....

2008-10-15T21:39:00.004-04:00

What can you tell about a person from looking in their cupboards?

I made fried chicken last night - it was sooo good but since a girl has to watch her figure, I only make it a few times a year.. here's a pic:

Waiting...

2008-10-14T06:37:00.003-04:00

Part 2 to the Attention Deficit Series

In 1998 when our son was 2, we got pregnant again. By the time I figured out I was pregnant, the pregnancy had self-terminated and I was in the process of losing it. I felt bad at the time and worse later after we broke up, when I knew that was probably the last chance I had at giving my son a full-biological sibling.

Now that I'm 34 I know that the chances of my finding a husband with so few children that he wants to have 1 or 2 more with me before my eggs dry up or become no good are slim at best. For a while it was a constant thought through my mind... What do I do? Do I just find some random guy or a guy I know and get pregnant? Nah, that's not really me. Besides do I know anyone that I want to deal with forever in that way? Nope. Been there, done that.

Sperm bank? Nah - that's just not me either. International Adoption? Can't really afford it on my own and my employer doesn't offer assistance. My mind stopped at many random places but my thoughts didn't get anywhere.

One day I was in the kitchen having these circular thoughts running through my mind. How do I get a little girl with no husband, no potential husband at the moment, and without having a ton of money to spend on adoption? As I was walking into my dining room this voice - an internal voice of no specific gender, and not my voice said: "adopt from foster care" - I stopped dead in my tracks. Wow. Huh. Ok.

I took a moment to take it all in, it just seemed so simple. There are kids, African American kids, Bi-racial kids, Caucasian kids, Hispanic kids, all waiting for good homes and good parents. As soon as I recoverd from that pause in time (it was like the movies when time stops and you get a messege from a higher power (usually Morgan Freeman, lol))

Anyway - I started my Internet research, found an Agency, called - they had a class starting next week, went to all of my classes, got background checked, fingerprinted, had my physicals done, gave my references, filled out at least 3 or 4 large packets of information about my parents, growing up, how I raise my son, and everything in between. Everything just fell into place and nothing was diffiult. It was like I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing and the path was being paved for me.

I successfully passed all of my classes and my home study, now I just have to find the little girl that is supposed to be a part of our family. I've called on 2 so far.... Ayana** - A beautiful little 2 year old girl with dark hair and big beautiful brown eyes. Her foster mother decided to adopt her. And Eleana** a one year old little bundle of pure love. I submitted my request on 9/29, and I know the agency had a lot of requests for her. I'm still waiting to hear something, but I find comfort in the feeling that when the right little girl is ready it won't be hard. The path will be cleared for me and will be as easy as the rest of the process has been so far. So I'm not fighting it. I'm just... waiting...

**names changed

I Heart Autumn

2008-10-12T15:41:00.005-04:00

My son and I went to the Cider Mill today. It was 78 degrees, beautiful and sunny.
Here's a few pics of our trip:

We bought hotdogs, cider slushes, a gallon of cider to take home, some yummy cinnamon-sugar spiced doughnuts and some chocolate fudge.

First Love

2008-10-10T12:10:00.003-04:00

In 1987 I met and dated my first love T.S. - At first T.S. wouldn't give me the time of day. He was one of my brothers friends and I knew I loved him the first minute that I saw him, even though at the time I was cussing him out for smoking weed with my brother in the garage. I had it bad for T.S. - I made sure to pass his locker a few times a day. Would go out of my way and be late for my own class just to try and see him in the hallway. To him I was just his friends little sister. To me, he was "the one." After stalking him for a while and getting nowhere I decided to do the next best thing - I ignored him.

No more walking past him on the way to class, no more passing by his locker, no more trying to see him during my day. As much as I tried to see him before, I went out of my way to avoid him now. I wanted him to believe that I was no longer interested and could really care less. Apparently that got him to think I was the greatest thing ever because suddenly the tables were turned and he was the one after me.

We shared a locker, he wrote me love notes, we got caught making out in the Audio/Visual room. We shared secrets, hopes and dreams. We broke up and got back together a hundred times. And we also shared a psychic connection. One summer after not speaking to him for a while my friends and I were just driving around bored. We were almost home and I decided to turn around and go drive by his house.

Quick sidebar: 1. he was already graduated and had a house with friends. 2. Gas was $.97 per gallon, and yes, I know I am old.

So anyway - As I was driving by his house I could see that the TV was on, but I didn't know if he was awake or perhaps had a girlfriend that was over so I just kept driving. It was late, almost Midnight. I stayed the night at my girls house that night and went home the next afternoon. When I got home there was a message on my answering machine. "Hey it's T.S., It's about Midnight and I know it's late, but I was just thinking about you and wanted you to know. Give me a call when you can."

Now I know you all are thinkin' he saw her drive by. #1, it was late and #2, I had a different car than he had ever seen. With all the people I had with me, he would have never seen me on the drivers side because his house was on the passenger side of the street.

There was another time when again, I hadn't talked to him in a minute - I was asleep and I woke up and sat straight up in bed. I looked at the clock - it was 4:45 am and he came to mind. WTF? I went to the bathroom, got back into bed and fell back asleep. As soon as it was a reasonable hour I called his house. His roommate answered - Me: Where's T.S.? His Roommate: I don't know how to tell you this, but T.S. is in the hospital. He got run over by a truck last night on a cigarrette run to the store. Me: What time was that? His roommate: It was late, like 4:30 am.

So after a few times of stuff like this happening, I just figured we were extra connected like some people are. He felt it too. In 1991 I graduated and went off to college. We broke up the summer before I left for school. In the middle of the school year a guy I was dating went psycho and held a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me. After T.S. found out we got back together. He came up to school to see me and in the summer of 1992 he asked me to marry him.

T.S. came from an abusive household. His father would beat him and belittle him and while T.S. was no angel, he wasn't a bad kid. Because of this abuse T.S. had his own demons. He smoked weed, he drank and he had a short fuse. I always knew he loved me but he would break up with me because he thought he would ruin my life. He never verbally abused me, he never physically abused me, he never mentally abused me - but he did push me away many, many times.

During the summer we got engaged we started making plans. He was going to join the service and as soon as he got out of boot camp I would come to wherever he was going to be stationed. He would be in the service and I could go back to college wherever we were going to be. We were going to have a November wedding and a few kids a few years later. I was so happy we finally got to a place where we could be together and I could love his past hurt and pain away. He was supposed to ship out October 15. About 2 weeks prior to that he broke up with me again. He was sorry, he just couldn't do it. He didn't want to ruin my life. I didn't understand then, but now I do. T.S. was wise beyond his years. I gave him an ultimatum. He didn't follow through.

I still have the love notes from high school and I still know exactly where they are. I saw him about 8 years ago. But that's another story for another day.....

Attention Deficit

2008-10-08T18:01:00.002-04:00

I find myself lost in thought a lot lately mulling over a few different situations that are going on. I was going to write about a few of them today, but I decided to save some for another post.. Here's the first of the many issues I have on my mind:

Child Support Issues / Court Date

Because my son turned 12 this year the day care expenses of my child support dropped off. That's about $50 a week or $200 a month. Unfortunately, because my son goes to a school outside of our district (a charter school), he has no way to get home after school (no busses) and so I still have to pay after-school care. So basically my expenses don't change but I lose $200 a month at a time when like everyone else, I'm already struggling to save money.

Since it's been a few years since our original court appearance I requested a review of our order. The court came back with a reasonable increase but based it on me having our son 290 overnights per year and his dad (I use that term loosly) having him 75 overnights per year. Uh. His dad has NEVER had him overnight except when we were together and I was always there. So now we have to go back to court so I can argue my point. His dad has no visitation rights (never asked for them), so I'm not sure if this is something new the court is doing or what.

I mean, If he is willing to start taking him every other weekend and for a few weeks in the summer - then I'm good with the child support increase as is, otherwise they need to adjust it. I am also going to ask for 50% reimbursement of any day-care expenses that I have. I think that's fair for him to only pay for half of what I actually pay.

Even though I am nervous about having to go to court again, it's not the actual court process that has my thoughts racing. I don't mind going to court, most of the time I get asked for my business card because people think I'm a lawyer. I'm usually in a suit, carrying my attache case and have all of my points outlined and documents prepared. He on the other hand usually comes in wearing his latest Enyce or Sean John looking like he's ready to hang with the fellas. Classy.

What I am more nervous about is his reactionary nature. While he is usually a cool-customer messing with his money gets him angrier than anything else. I've managed to get through the last 12 years unscathed, but I always wonder if he will get mad or desperate enough one day to just say fcuk it and go off. Guess we'll see!

I never back down to a bully, the only people that scare me are the quiet ones.

Tagged

2008-10-01T21:15:00.005-04:00

I got tagged in an e-mail..I'll participate but I'm not passing it on. If you want to answer them, go for it!

60 things you didn't know about me until you read this...

1)What color is your toothbrush? Pink and White
2)What were you doing 45 minutes ago? Eating dinner and playing Mad Gab with my son
3)What is your favorite candy bar? Mounds
4)Have you ever been to a strip club? Yes, my friend told me I wouldn't so of course I did
5)What is the last thing you said aloud? Goodnight Peanut (to my son)
6)What is the best ice cream flavor? Eskimo Kisses (dark chocolate and coconut)
7)What was the last thing you had to drink? Water
8)What are you wearing right now? Jogging pants and a t-shirt
9)What was the last thing you ate? Acorn Squash
10)Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Nope, but I need to find something to wear for Friday night
11)When was the last time you ran? Today after work, 2 miles at the gym on the treadmill
12)Who was the last person to send you a text message? MS, who is now married, but still fantasizes about me in my high heels and thigh highs.
13)Do you take vitamins daily? Sometimes I take a multi and calcium. I try to get my vitamins in my food.
14) Do you go to church every Sunday? Nope... church is all of God's creation
15)Do you have a tan? Yep, it's the end of summer and I have flip flop tan lines on my feet
16)Do you like Chinese food over pizza? Not necessarily
17)Do you drink your soda with a straw? On the rare occassion that I drink soda, yes
18)What did your last text message say? "lol"
19)Are you someones best friend? No
20)What are you doing tomorrow? Work, school, workout, dinner, shower, bed
21)Where is your dad? He is at home, sitting in his easy chair
22)Look to your left, what do you see? The TV, an Eva Longoria commercial
23) What color is your watch? Silver and Gold with diamonds
24)Do you use chapstick? No, lipgloss
25)What is your birthstone? Citrine (November)
26)Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive through? Drive through
27)Do you have a dog? Yes, I have a pit bull
28)Last guy you talked on the phone with? The one I love
29)Last girl you talked on the phone with? My girl DZ
30)Any plans today? Laundry, TV, Book, Bed
31)Do you dye your hair? Color and highlights - sure do
32)Biggest annoyance in your life right now? Not knowing when I am going to get my daughter
33)Can you say the alphabet backwards? Alphabet backwards
34)Do you have a maid service clean your house? lol, I wish
35)Are you jealous of anyone? I'm jealous of those who love more than I love, and who give more than I give.
36)Do you love anyone? I do
37)Do any of your friends have children? Yes - lots
38)Do you hate anyone that you know right now? These questions belong on myspace
39)Do you use the word hello daily? Yes
40)Do you like cats? Um sure - but I'm allergic
41)Have you ever been to Six Flags? Yes
42)How did you get your worst scar? Surgical breast biopsy - August 2006
43)How old was your mom when you were born? 23
44)What is your favorite smell? Pink grapefruit
45)What was the last dvd you watched? First Sunday
46)Do you like sudoku? What's that?
47)Have you ever been to Disney World? Yes, I went as a kid and I took my son last Nov.
48)What is your favorite number? 13
49)Do you toast your Pop Tarts? No and I only like the edges, I throw away the middle
50) Have you ever waited tables? For one weekend
51)Do you vote? Yes Obama/Biden 08
52)Do you believe in reincarnation? Yes
53)What is your zodiac sign? Scorpio
54)Do you work out? Yes and I think I am going to be sore tomorrow
55)Are you/do you want to be married? I want to marry the one I love
56)Do you remember the "Pepsi wave"? No
57)Do you like clowns? Indifferent
58)What is your favorite animal(s)? No favorites
59)Do you have/want children? Have a son age 12, trying to adopt a daughter - age unknown, would love to get married and have one more.
60)Do you enjoy wasting time on random tags? It gives me something to post without really trying

Cooking

2008-09-29T18:08:00.007-04:00

I love to cook. I wish I had a bigger kitchen with a dishwasher so that cleanup after cooking was a little more convenient - but whatever.

I was perusing Darius T. Williams cooking blog here yesterday. He takes pictures during the cooking process and once his creations are plated to show the end result. I thought that was fun, so after I made dinner last night I took pictures.

My sister-in-law and brother were in town from NC, so my sister came over to have girls night with me. Botanas are a family favorite and my sister is allergic to wheat, gluten, flour, etc. so while planning our dinner I decided homemade Spicy Shrimp Botana and Mango Margaritas were the way to go. We diced, we chopped, we blended, we melted and the end result - a beautiful, bountiful, botana:

We also made some fresh salsa:

And some fabulous Mango Margaritas:

You'll notice my sister's was half gone before I could get the camera out!
We ended up drinking almost a 5th of Tequila in 2 pitchers of Margaritas... it might explain my resistance to getting up for work this morning.. lol.

Margarita anyone?

Bored

2008-09-27T21:29:00.004-04:00

This blog is becoming more of an update rather than anything of substance. What should I write about? The next person that reads this blog - pick a topic or something you want to know and I will write about it. I'm still new to this and it takes some getting used to.

My son is at my mother's, my homework is done even though I still haven't received my book that I ordered 5 days ago (usually here overnight), I took a nap earlier so I'm not sleepy and so far I have no plans for the evening.

The one I love has his kids this week so spending time with him is out. We don't share personal time with kid time yet, although I have met his kids and he has met my son.

It's so infrequent that I have two minutes of down time that I'm not sure what to do with myself! Staying in my sweats in front of the TV is a definite option. All the interesting books in my house have been read and I don't read many books more than once. If I still had the "Secret Life of Bees" I would re-read that for the blogger bookclub. Maybe I will just go buy it so I can participate.

So last night I get a call from my (now married) ex-boyfriend. He was drunk as a skunk (something I have never seen or heard in the 4 years I have known him.) He called to tell me that I am one of the greatest people he has ever known. Something he has also told me while sober, lol. I sent him a text today to see how he was feeling... so far no response!

When was the last time you got or made a drunk-dial? Where you the dialer or the receiver?

WTF?

2008-09-27T06:11:00.002-04:00

The older I get the stranger my sleep habits become. It's 6:11 am Saturday morning. I never get up this early - it's the weekend, so I for sure don't have to get up this morning. And here I am - wide awake.

So - I guess I will shower, do some laundry and maybe get started on those dishes I ignored last night.

TGIF

2008-09-26T22:20:00.002-04:00

This week was a rush of work, football practices, a date with the one I love on Monday, a visit and dinner with my brother and sister-in-law who are in town from NC on Thursday and today we had a spaghetti dinner at school plus our homecoming football game. Whew!

When did life get so busy?

Now I'm sitting here listening to the presidential debate. I can't stand to listen to John McCain, I also can't stand to listen to his mistress...I mean VP.

People, we HAVE got to make sure that Obama gets into office!

10 Weeks 6 Days

2008-09-19T18:40:00.000-04:00

It's been ten weeks and six days since my son has seen anyone on his dad's side of the family. His paternal grandfather drives by my house twice a day, every day, once on his way to work, and once on his way home. Despite my invitation to feel welcome to call, come by, or what have you, he still has not, does not.

My son's father moved back into town a month ago after living out of state for 2 years. Has he taken the time to see his child? Nope.

I feel sad for my son that his father doesn't get it.

I used to feel anger toward his family for barging into his life 3 years ago unannounced, uninvited, and just barely welcome. Then I loved his family because they endeared themselves to me and cared for my son and now I feel rejected by his family for being so passive about their involvement with my son.

Since his dad came back into his life 2 years ago they have retreated little by little. Back into oblivion. He might see them on holiday's - maybe. I think my son has seen them twice this year. Three times at most. They live 20 minutes away.

One part of me thinks - fuck them, their loss, they ignored that child for 9 years, shouldn't have expected it to last long. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.

One part of me thinks - How dare they come into his life, then walk away.

One part of me thinks - Have I done something wrong? Did I offend them away?

One part of me thinks - I should call them, have a grown up conversation, clear the air. Maybe they don't see.

What does it take to get your family to see that you need them? How does a 12 year old little boy tell his dad, I need you? He doesn't. He gets angry, he gets pissed, he shuts down. He says "I don't care" when I know he does.

My son used to ask me for a new daddy. "Momma, can you get married so I can have a new daddy, mine isn't very good." He stopped asking a few years ago, adolecence and detachment set in.

Sick & Tired

2008-09-14T17:03:00.004-04:00

Woke up Friday morning with some nasty lucifer-invading-my-sinuses-throat-and-lungs thing. Still had to go to work Friday, still had to run around getting gifts and decorations for my dad's 60th birthday party on Saturday afternoon, still had to spend two and a half hours in the pouring rain under an umbrella watching my son play football Saturday evening. By ten pm last night, I felt like I was near utter exhaustion.

Today. Today I'm spending in my pajamas, on the couch, under the covers with the TV on and hot tea in hand.

Because tomorrow it's back to normal. Pray for me.

Say What You Need To Say

2008-09-12T03:27:00.005-04:00

Take all of your wasted honor. Every little past frustration. Take all of your so called problems, Better put 'em in quotations. Say what you need to say.

Walkin' like a one man army, Fightin' with the shadows in your head. Livin' up the same old moment Knowin' you'd be better off instead If you could only...Say what you need to say.

Have no fear for givin' in. Have no fear for giving over. You better know that in the end It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.

Even if your hands are shaking, And your faith is broken. Even as the eyes are closin', Do it with a heart wide open. Say what you need to say. Say what you need to, Say what you need to... Say what you need to say. - John Mayer from The Bucket List soundtrack

I have someone that I love. He doesn't know. We're friends, we're lovers, we're parents to different children with different lives and different homes. I loved him so much I walked away in January. He brought me back to him in June. I feel loved, honored, respected, challenged, engaged, admired.

He hasn't said the words. And neither have I.

"Say what you need to say. Say what you need to say." Every time I hear this song I want to call him and tell him. "I love you." Even if you don't love me back, even though I think you do. I love you. I love your fingers when they grab my hair in a passionate kiss. I love your attention to the little changes in my appearance. I love the father that you are to your children, the son that you are to your parents and the brother that you are to your sister. I love you for making tough decisions and taking risks. I love you because you are supportive, honest, caring and intellegent.

I love you because when we didn't speak for a while I missed you every day, and I am so glad to have you back in my life.

"Even if your hands are shaking, And your faith is broken. Even as the eyes are closin', Do it with a heart wide open. Say what you need to say."

If I knew today was the last day, I would tell him. If I knew this was my last minute, I would tell him. The next second isn't promised to me and yet I wait. And I love him. And I show him, not in the words that I say, but in the actions of my being. I hope he knows.

What does it take?

2008-08-28T19:19:00.002-04:00

I have a scheduling conflict. My son has his homecoming football game the same day as my cousin's wedding. I give my son the option of skipping the game or skipping the wedding since it doesn't seem likely that we can fit both in. Illogically...because I know better, I call his father.

Me: I have a wedding next month on Saturday and our son has his homecoming game, can you take him.

Him: No, I don't know if I'm going to have to work or not.

Me: So even with a month's notice, you can't commit to making sure you have the day off to take him to his game?

Him: No.

End of conversation.

I call a male friend...

Me: Hi friend, I have a wedding next month on Saturday and my son has his homecoming game, can you take him?

Friend: Absolutely, I will check my work schedule and if I have to work I will switch with someone or take the day off.

So why is it that my friend, who is of no relation to my son, who is not trying to get in my pants, who just loves me for me is more willing to do for my child than his own father? What does it take to get a man to be a man? Do what you're supposed to do. Handle your business.

At what point do your children become more important that your job? At what point do you say - I might be making money to support my kids, but that's all they are getting. They're not getting my time, they're not getting my attention, they're not learning from me, they're not experiencing my love. But hey. The bills get paid.

I work full time, I go to school part time, I own a house, I own a dog, I work out, I raise a young man by myself which includes taking him to school & football or basketball or cross country or soccer 5 to 6 days a week, making sure his clothes, sports equipment and his behind are washed, his homework is done, he has uniforms ready for school, he has lunch or lunch money ready to go, the permission slips, physical papers, school forms are signed, the house is clean & smells good, the dog is walked, gas is in the car, the lawn is mowed, the plants are watered, dinner is made, I do my own homework, I check in on my friends and family AND still find the time for an occassional date..... and you? Well you don't do any of those things. But hey. You go to work. Now that's a great dad.

Monday again....

2008-08-18T07:40:00.004-04:00

It's Monday again. An elderly friend of the family passed away over the weekend. The world lost a good man, but he had a good life. We'll be supporting the family at funeral events over the next few days, and I think I will order some flowers today. I was thinking Calla Lillies, but I don't know if they are in season. Why do we order flowers for the dead more than for the living? I want all my flowers while I'm alive thank you very much. I don't want a funeral anyway. Nor do I want to be buried. Not that cremation sounds pleasant, but a better option for me.

What about you? Horse & carriage? Big to-do? Burial? Funeral? Cremation?

I need to get a move on for work - Peace, love and may you and your loved ones have a blessed day.

UPDATE: I looked online at flowers, most arrangements were $100 or more, so I went during lunch to a local florist. They had ordered dozens of white roses for a wedding and had some left over. He promised me all he had left (20 or more) in a nice bouquet with a vase for $45. Beautiful!

I'm Yours

2008-08-15T14:45:00.003-04:00

the hand that envelopes the entirety of my cheek, the strength in your fingertips.

touch me, I'm yours.

the soft kiss like silk across my lips.

seduce me, I'm yours.

the warmth of your breath lingering, tingling on my neck.

tease me, I'm yours.

the sparkle of your eye like a secret waiting to be told.

sold, I'm yours.

the weight of your love as we dance together.

hold fast to me, I'm yours.

the promise unmade in the air, spoke often in dreams.

together forever, I'm yours.

Why? Because.

2008-08-14T23:17:00.002-04:00

Because I think your smile is like light, because your warm hands heat my soul, because of the strength of your character, because we laugh together, because we talk for hours and hours on the phone and never run out of things to say, because we share the same morals and beliefs, because we share our lives everyday, because we are comfortable, because you are the sexiest man to me, because you are a gentleman, because you are my friend, because of the way you love me, because you are a leader, because you have vision, because you have passion, because you love pj’s and cartoons on Saturday mornings, because you are an undeniable chocoholic, because you live, because of the way your arms wrap around me, because when I hold you close to me, there is no other place that I want to be, because of the far away look you get when you are thinking about things, because your mind is beautiful, because you have a fun sense of humor, because I would follow you anywhere, because you would do anything for the people you care about, because you are a helper, because you surround yourself with good people, because I know you, because the hair on your stomach is so soft, because you are stubborn, because you are polite, because you are silly, because you understand, because you work hard, because you play hard, because you have honor, because you understand candlelight and a soft cd, because you know what “simple” means, because the little things are never an issue, because even the smallest dreams mean something, because you don’t have to understand the words to get the feeling, because you have courage, because you have felt loss, because you care for your body, because you know how to relax and enjoy, because you are accepting, because you don’t place blame, because your spirit is wise, because there is no selfishness, because there is caring, because there is thankfulness, because you think of me during your day, because even when we are apart, we’re not, because there is no fear, because being through the worst with you is better than the best alone, because there are moments when I feel you, even though you are not there, because my love is better for having you in my life, for these reasons and more, I love you.

Out of the Blue

2008-08-14T17:38:00.001-04:00

Dear Mr. and Mrs.,

Parenthood is defined as the state of being a parent; the position, function and standing of a parent; one that begets or brings forth offspring; a person who brings up and cares for another.

It comes with great responsibility, sacrifice and culpability. This is something that I have done, single-handily for the last 9 years without any type of contact, involvement or emotional support from either of you, despite my invitation for you to be a part of his life.

Recently, you indicated that although you have wanted over the years to be a part of my son's life, you were waiting for your son to “come around”. I guess in essence, you were waiting for your son to become a parent. So was I. And I’m still waiting. Yet, that didn’t stop me from BEING a parent. Why did it stop you from being grandparents?

Although some may commend your recent inquires and attempts to become involved in my son's life, make no mistake because it is the truth: Your sudden interest and involvement confuses me and my child. Neither he nor I understand your intentions and are suspect of your motives. What happened to make you suddenly change your position? What circumstance, illness or tragedy brought the sudden interest in getting to know someone you have ignored for 9 years?

At this point he is not really sure if he is interested meeting you, and I can’t say that I blame him. He is a very smart 9-year old. He understands that he has family that has never talked to him or taken the time to meet him. He understands that his father can see him, but chooses not to. That is a large burden for a young man to take on. It is something that he will carry with him for the rest of his life.

I would like to be a partner in making the best of this situation as I can. I would like to encourage a healthy relationship between all of us. I will not be excluded, I am his mother. If you really want to get to know him, it’s going to be through me, on my terms. It’s going to require a whole lot of forgiveness, the swallowing of some pride, a ton of effort and conviction. It may be successful, it may not.

If and when you are ready to put it all out on the table, meet me face to face, answer my questions and give me some indication that you are in this for the rest of your lives – then please give me a call. Until then, I would appreciate the letters to him be withheld. Despite the good intention, they are confusing to him because he doesn’t know you. He cannot possibly think of people he has never met as “grandparents”.