I walked down the hall and heard manly laughter coming out of his room. I glanced in as I walked by, embarrassed by the anal sex porn on the TV as 10 guys sat in a semi-circle around it watching, laughing, "hey you want to come in?" they laughed. I admit I was curious. Is this what men do? They watch anal sex for fun? Why? It's gross, who would do that? Why would they do that? Does it hurt? Wouldn't it? Or... maybe it doesn't...
Hey, you want to go with me to this party? I had to check to make sure he was talking to me. He was tall, muscular, played hockey for the college. He had been seen on campus with a few different girls. Some black, some white, some other, all tall, all beautiful, unlike me. At 5'3" I barely came up to his shoulder. I was "cute" not beautiful. I was 17, not sophisticated. I wore glasses and I was overweight. Why was he talking to me? "Sure" was my reply.
We walked from our dorm to the party. No cars allowed on campus for freshman. It was a nice night anyway. Well into fall when you get a few nice Indian Summer days, the air in the country was clean and smelled like fresh cut wood and smoke from bonfires. We got to the party and met up with some other people. He knew more of them than I did. I was shy, embarrassed. I didn't know if he really liked me or if somehow I was the joke of the day, a trick, a dare.
You ready to go? he asked... Yes. I had a few drinks, was feeling the carefree, young-and-inspired, let-me-scream-out-to-the-world-and-hear-the-world-answer-feeling of a young girl out on her own for the first time. I liked this boy. I wondered if he was going to kiss me or just walk me to my room and say goodnight.
Do you want to come to my room? he shyly asked. Um, sure. Ok but you have to be quiet, my roommate is sleeping on the bottom bunk. Come up to the top with me. I knew I didn't really want to be in his bed but we were in college in a 12 x 12 room with no real furniture except for the bed, the desks and a few folding chairs.
He climbed up ahead of me, straightening the sheets and pillows. Black satin sheets. Worn enough so they weren't slippery, but still soft. I climbed up the stairs, trying to be quiet so we didn't wake his roommate. Laughing, nervous, excited, naive. He kissed me with his soft full lips, god he was beautiful. What was he doing with me? He started to kiss my breasts, then lower. He removed my shirt, bra, pants, panties. I let him. I wanted him. I couldn't believe he wanted me too.
He flipped me over and lifted my hips. I felt him push against me. Wait, that's not the right... Wait! What are you doing? Don't! Stop! He held me down with his body weight, his left hand wrapped around both of my wrists, his arm pinning me to the bed. His legs heavy over mine, I tried to kick, I tried to roll him off of me, I couldn't move. He pressed my head into the pillow to muffle my cries as he pushed himself inside of me. Like the movie. Oh my god it's like the movie. He came inside of me as I screamed and cried, pain ripping through my body like I had never felt.
There was blood, cum and tears all mixed together in my head. You have to get him off of you. You have to get out! He passed out behind me. Shaking I climbed down the stairs and ran down the hall to my room. The roommate. Why didn't he hear my screams? Why didn't he get up and help me? Did he hear him rape me? Did he let him rape me and do nothing?
The shower was hot, burning against my skin on the outside like the shame was burning against my insides. As I crumpled to the floor in shock I felt his seed leak out of my bowels. He. Raped. Me.
The bruises on my wrists were visible the next day. Pain and shame were there too but unlike the bruises, they were invisible to everyone but me. I liked him. I drank with him. I got into his bed with him. I wanted to have sex with him. But not like that. NOT LIKE THAT! It's my fault. I did this. I saw them watch that video. I was curious and intrigued by what I saw. But wait. I said no. I SAID NO! I begged him to stop didn't I? Didn't I tell him to stop? Yes shame, yes guilt, yes pain, you begged him to stop.
Oh my god there he is. A girl on each arm. He's not beautiful, he's pathetic. He sees me. He pauses. "Are you ok, I am so sorry" he says. I feel the shame rise to my cheeks. He thinks it's ok. He thinks that what he did only deserved a simple apology as his two groupies hang on each word wondering why he is speaking to me, but not really caring.
I walked away without saying a word. I never said a word. I never ever said a word. And have since forgotten his name.
5 years ago
