Still Alive...

I'm still here!! Wrapped up my Algebra class at the end of last week. My final grade?



B- !!!



Thanks to everyone who offered prayer, support and a little bit of "quit your whining and get to work" - work I did, and it paid off. It isn't an 'A', but I will take it.

Yesterday I got my son off to D.C. for the week. He arrived safely and is hopefully having a great time. I sent him with my digital camera which may or may not have been a good idea.. lol. Guess I will find out on Friday!

I'm a little behind on my reading... UBJ has posted 5 times since I last logged on.... So I will be back later to read and hopefully post some more.

Have a great day!

RM

Emancipation: freeing someone from the control of another.

This week I threw my girlfriend an "emancipation party" ...she is getting a divorce and needed a little cheering up, some good drinks, good food and a "B.O.B."

That's a "battery operated boyfriend" for those of you not in the know.. They also have T.O.M. they have a different acronym for this one, but I like mine better... "The other man", lol.

So... I've always been a little uninhibited with my sexuality - I don't like to share, but I like to experiment and have fun, not afraid to try new things, laugh, make weird noises with my body, make good use of props and when there's no boyfriend (and even sometimes when there is) I like to have a good backup.

This girlfriend didn't own a vibrator. She had sex 4 times last year... and she was MARRIED! That's just crazy to me. I like my boyfriend/husband to be ok with the fact that I have a vibrator. I have been known to send text messages about what I'm doing to myself while he's away.. lol

Even if your man (or woman) is sexually satisfiying you, isn't it just more fun to play? I have a little bit of a collection... I got rid of a lot of things I had accumulated over the years (that was an interesting trash week!) But somethings are just a staple for a woman to have...

The bullet:

Good for clitoral stimulation... holding in your hand while playing with your mans balls during oral sex... stimulating his nipples... and if you are feeling really adventurous you can insert it into you prior to inserting him... however, please watch for loose wires.. lol.

The vibrator:

For you to use, or your man to use on you... my ex used to like to watch me....

Anyway! We had some margaritas, some good food, chocolate and fruit for dessert and lots of laughs with the sex toy lady. Most of us women have been to a "Pu.re Rom.ance" party... essentially a sex toy party for women only in your home. It's the new Tupp.erware party, lol.

So next time your gf or wife says she has a "girls-only" party to go to, slip her a $100 on the way out and she might just bring something home for you.....

Here's the newest member of my team:

What say you blogger fam? Toys or no toys?

Dreams... Updates.. Etc.

So I was reading blogs late last night and I had a dream about one of the authors. I woke up this morning thinking damn! I'm dreaming about a guy I have never met and never talked to. We were on a boat, on vacation - together. He was disappointed in me because I didn't meet his expectations. So I left. And woke up confused and pissed! I still have love for him though!

My dating life is nonexistant. I haven't seen or talked to the one I love. My son's father is still trying to get in my pants. I don't know if I finally grew up or just finally got over him, but he no longer turns me on. He tries and tries and tries and I'm just not interested. Yay for me, too bad for him.

Math is keeping me busy. I have been going to the tutor twice a week, doing all of my homework plus some extra, going to class, meeting with my study partner. A few of the sections I actually ENJOYED! Testing remains a problem for me... first test D-, second and third tests, C- on both. I guess I should feel good to some degree, most of my classmates failed the last test. I just have a few weeks left.. overall I have a 78% which is not acceptable to me, but I'm giving myself a "pass" on this one. I'm giving it my best, a 78% might be all I can do in 12 weeks.

Along with math I added another online class. Homework every day... arggh I can't wait to be done with school so I can have my life back. I decided to go full time for my last 12 classes. I want to be done by the end of this year. Working FT, going to school FT plus running a household and raising a teenage son by myself is a little hectic. Some days I feel like I have Altzheimers.

I was trying to remember the last name of my college boyfriend. I can't. I can remember his best friends last name... but not his.

Has anyone noticed that our youth have decided that nothing is plural or possessive anymore? "Are you at your grandma house?"... "He on my football team"..."We going to play basketball at Joe house"... That gets on my nerves! At what point did this start happening? What happened to all the "S's?" Everytime I hear a child in my presence do this I start complaining. Too bad many parents have also fallen into the habit...

My son is going on a trip at the end of the month. I will have from Sunday evening until Friday afternoon to myself. No practices, no games, no picking up or dropping off from school. No helping with homework, no extra laundry, no extra mess. If I had a man, I would be free to have him stay over! I plan to use my time wisely.. I will go to yoga and relax, get into the gym and sweat and attempt to go running and challenge myself. I will clean the closets and donate to charity or friends all of the clothes, jackets and shoes that no longer fit my ever growing son. And I will try to meet friends for dinner at least one of the 5 evenings I will have alone. At least... that's the plan now.....

Love you all.. hope you're well!

RM.

Thirteen Years

Photo Credit: Anne Geddes

Thirteen years ago today, I gave birth to a beautiful baby boy. It was a cold but beautiful sunny day. I woke up about 7:00 am starving as usual. Because I'm short, there was really nowhere for my internal organs to go so they just got squished by the baby. Consequently, I would go from starving to full in about 3 bites.

I went to the bathroom, then headed to the kitchen for a bowl of cereal. When I sat down to eat, I didn't feel very good. My stomach had that queasy feeling but since I was starving I felt like I needed to eat. About 5 minutes later I felt like I peed on myself a little. LOL anyone who has had a baby knows this is not out of the ordinary, but since that hadn't yet happened to me, I was mortified.

After going back into the bathroom to clean up, I decided to go lay back down for a while. I started having mini contractions so I called my girlfriend and told her that I thought that I was maybe in labor. She was still in bed so she told me to call her back when I knew for sure and hung up!

The contractions started getting a little stronger, so I decided to give my doctor a call. As I was waiting on the phone I was pacing the floor, walking back & forth. When I went to sit down on the bed my water broke - Oh shit! Yep, I'm in labor.

The dr. told me not to rush to the hospital, take my time and he would see me in a while. I called my girlfriend (she was my ride and birth partner) and then got in the shower. After shaving my legs, putting on some makeup and fixing my hair, we finally left for the hospital.

Just a few hours later with one girlfriend taking pictures and the other cutting the cord, we welcomed my little sweet boy into the world.

I love you my son. Happy 13th Birthday!

Don't Divorce My Family and Friends

Ken Starr, who led the campaign to impeach President Bill Clinton, filed a legal brief last month -- on behalf of the "Yes on 8" campaign -- that would forcibly divorce 18,000 same-sex couples that were married in California last year before the passage of Prop 8.

Watch "Fidelity" and sign our letter to the state Supreme Court before they hear oral arguments in the case on March 5. Tell the Supreme Court to invalidate Prop 8, reject Ken Starr's case, and let loving, committed couples marry. DEADLINE EXTENDED: March 2. 224,783 people have signed this letter (as of Friday, February 13). Our new Courage Campaign community goal is 250,000 signers. Will you add your name now?:

http://www.couragecampaign.org/page/s/repealprop8



Love will prevail - Happy Valentine's Day!

Offers I can resist... The freak, the cheat and the dirty old man.

TGIF!

There are just some offers I have no problem refusing...All true, all today. Seriously.

Offer 1 "The freak":

My Son's Father: So, how about I get a bottle of Patron and one of those all in one lace bodysuits, and come over?

Me: For what?!?

SF: So you can put it on for me.

Me: No.

SF: Ok what about a cowgirl outfit?

Me: WTF? Seriously? No!

SF: Why not?

Me: I'm not country!

SF: So, you don't have to be country to ride.

Me: NO!

Offer 2 "The cheat":

This offer came from a guy I used to casually see but never slept with. He has a serious shoe & thigh-high fetish and had the nerve to marry a girl who he knew wouldnt play along. They had a baby a few months back (presumably from one of the 2 times they had sex.. )

Via text: My wife has only had sex with me twice since January of 2008.

Me: wow? really? that sucks!

Text: Yeah, I know. I think I might start cheatin'

Me: Don't do that, just talk to her.

Text: I have talked to her, she said I could cheat, just don't tell her.

Me: Maybe she should see a Dr.

Text: She says she is just tired.

Me: wow, I really think she should see someone but ok.

Text: Remember when you put on those thigh-highs and peep-toe heels and met me at the bar. Then afterward in the car you........

Me: lol, yeah. That was fun.

Text: So what are you doing tonight?

Me: oooh, I'm busy, call me when your divorce is final!

Offer 3 "The dirty old man":

Offer 3 came from my old man friend (16 years older than me) who I love to look at but not touch. Why? Cause everytime I see him, I think, wow he is so cute. He doesn't look 51! Then he gets to talkin'. Ugh. Gets on my damn nerves. Just sit there and look good!

Old man: Whatchu doin?

Me: Just got home, about to take a nap (that was true, till I decided to blog instead)

Old man: Oh, you should have told me, I would come over in my jammies and rub on you. (Yes he really said "jammies")

Me: lol, you're funny

Old man: I would rub on you, and hold you, and sleep next to you, then help you with your math homework and rub on you some more, then have dinner, then rub on you some more, then you could be dessert...

Me: lol, wow, all that?

Old man: Yeah, I'm taking it slow with you, cause I know you're not ready, but I'm going to get in you in 2009.

Me: Oh wow, ok, I'm going to take a nap, I'll call you later (like sometime next year...)

If I were a boy....

My top 5, if I were a boy......

OAS Oral Allergy Syndrome

I am allergic to penicillin, and have severe food intolerance reactions to artificial sweetener, turkey, and blue cheese, and a mild food intolerance to cantelope, and honeydew melon.

In addition, when I eat I often get these hivey-blotchy spots on my chest. They don't itch, they don't travel, they are just there for a while and then they go away.

So I finally decide to go see an allergist today to see what he can tell me. I want to know what else maybe I am allergic to in food that is causing this reaction and what (if anything) I can do about it.

This guy was quirky and weird and a little on the odd side, but he was thorough and had to explain everything in detail. By the time I walked out of there I felt like an expert!

So... penicillin is made from: mold.
Blue cheese is made from: mold.
Red wine and beer give me headaches.... and the hops or something in beer and wine can sometimes contain: mold

Seeing a common factor here? Right! I'm allergic to MOLD!

Come to find out, there are a lot of people who have cross-reactions from allergins like mold, ragweed, and pollen - to food. What? Yep.

People (like me) who are allergic to mold may also have food sensitivity to the following foods:

Foreign cheese of all kinds (I'm a cheese fanatic)
Sour cream (eh, I can take it or leave it... mostly leave it)
Buttermilk (leave it)
Beer and wine (who knew!?!?)
Vinegar and vinegar-containing foods like mayo, salad dressing, ketchup, pickles, pickled beets, green olives (I almost ALWAYS use balsamic vinegarette on my salad)
Sauerkraut (leave it)
Mushrooms (eew, leave it)
All dried fruits such as apricots, dates, prunes, figs and raisins.
Canned tomatoes
Cider
Soy sauce (I LOVE sushi and soy has to go on sushi)
Melons especially cantelope (!!!)
Some breads made with vinegar

No wonder I break out in hives all the time. Much of this list is stuff I eat on the regular.

Still interested?

If you are allergic to Birch pollen, you may also have a food reaction to: peach, apple, plum, cherry, apricot, strawberry, pear, almond, hazelnut, potato, carrot and celery.

If you are allergic to Grass pollen, you may also have a food reaction to: tomato, melon and watermelon.

If you are allergic to Mugwort (weeds), you may also have a food reaction to: apple, celery, carrot, peanut and kiwi.

If you are allergic to Ragweed (one of the worst for seasonal allergies), you may also have a food reaction to: banana, melon, honey, cucumber, zucchini, watermelon and chamomile.

When my brother eats bananas his mouth and throat itches. The same thing happens to me when I eat cantelope or honeydew melon, but not watermelon.

So... I still don't know why Turkey and diet soda gives me the runs, or why sugar-free gum gives me migranes, or really why I break out in hives so often.. but I have a better idea.
I'm going to start watching my food labels a little closer.. and he is going to do the skin allergy test in a few weeks. I'll let you know how it goes. Does anyone in blog-world have food or other allergies?

Punishment

This post by Super Dave reminded me of the time I called my mom a bitch under my breath. I forget what I wanted or what I was trying to do, but I remember my dad was downstairs in his easy chair in front of the TV. I was pissed at my mom about something and as I was on my way upstairs to my room I called her a bitch to myself. Or so I thought.

Apparently my pops had some supersonic ears or I wasn't as quiet as I thought.

Next thing I remember I was sprauled out in the middle of my room laying on top of what used to be my desk chair. The chair was destroyed by the impact of my body after I was thrown through space and time.

Gotta love that old man strength.. ouch.

Simple Math

Lots of diversity posts going on these days. Lots of discussions about inter-racial dating, what's black, what's not. Who's black, who isn't. Lot's of black women happy Obama married a black woman. Lot's of black women angry when they see a black man with a non-black woman. Lot's of black women not willing to date or marry a non-black man. Lots of black women mad because there aren't enough "good black men" to go around for them, let alone share with the rest of the world. Lots of black men unwilling to date a non-black woman for fear of being a sell-out.

Most black folks still agree if you look black, you are black. So I say, do your part to create as many black folks as possible!

White man + white woman * 3 kids = 3 white kids
Black man + black woman * 3 kids = 3 black kids
Asian man + asian woman * 3 kids = 3 asian kid

Black man + white woman * 3 kids = 3 black kids
White man + black woman * 3 kids = 3 black kids
Asian man + black woman * 3 kids = 3 black kids
Black man + asian woman * 3 kids = 3 black kids


If every black person reproduces with a non-black person, soon there will be no non-black people left. At least... not very many!

..........What will divide us then?

Diversity Rules

From the NY Times Online: Click here for full article

"...Cousins journeyed from the South Carolina town where the first lady’s great-great-grandfather was born into slavery, while the rabbi in the family came from the synagogue... The president and first lady’s siblings were there, too, of course: his Indonesian-American half-sister, who brought her Chinese-Canadian husband, and her brother, a black man with a white wife." (J. Kantor, 2009)

"The family that produced Barack and Michelle Obama is black and white and Asian, Christian, Muslim and Jewish. They speak English; Indonesian; French; Cantonese; German; Hebrew; African languages including Swahili, Luo and Igbo; and even a few phrases of Gullah, the Creole dialect of the South Carolina Lowcountry." (J. Kantor, 2009)

This is why so many Americans identify with the Robinson / Obama family. Diversity is a wonderful thing.

A change we can believe in

I paid a visit to Torrance's (aka RDB) blog today. I didn't like all that I saw (please be forwarned of graphic pics before you visit), but I did like this statement that he made in response to a comment on his blog:

"That's what makes America great, we can walk side by side and not see eye to eye, it's the freedom to say it, I will never dislike a person because we dont agree"

Amen to that. I'm happy about and enlightened by all viewpoints. I'm not the deepest thinker in the world, and my blog isn't at all serious - but like many readers, I appreciate a good debate.
I'm happy for Obama and his family, I am happy that my son has someone who looks like him, is left handed and loves basketball like him as the President of the U.S.

But that doesn't mean I have forgotten all of the rest of the ills in the world.

Everyone needs balance and everyone has their own reality.

For me, I watched and celebrated today because even though it shouldn't be a big deal - our first Bi-racial / African American president got elected into office! And that IS a big deal. We have changed the face of the nation forever. It's been a long time coming, and I couldn't be more proud of our nation.

Imagine how much better we'll be as a whole when we come together to make future changes. We have seen for ourselves what we can do when we collectively exclaim "Yes we can!"

Think we would have the same attitude or spirit if McCain was in office? Nope.

Let Obama be who he is meant to be: Our leader, our face, our hope.

And then we - all of us - every last one of us, need to get to work. For ourselves, for our neighbors, for our families, for our country.

We can't help others heal if we're still broken ourselves.

10 Weeks

10 weeks of Algebra... I may be in a comatose state when these 10 weeks are over.

Math is not my favorite subject, but I am trying to embrace it. I have my very last Algebra class (oh thank God) for my Bachelors degree. It started on Monday. I have only slept a few hours since then. Last night I was up till after 2 am with one of my very best friends who was patiently trying to explain the rules of Algebra over and over and over again. The rules that I have so quickly forgotten in the few years since my last Algebra class.

I need a few tutors and as much help as I can locate. It will take a village and a lot of prayer and work to get me through this class. Speaking of prayer, if you can say a quick one for me as you read this, send some good learning energy my way.

I will be back after class today. I have class on Monday & Wednesday (plus work and my son) so the homework due Wednesday from Monday is what killed me this week. I literally only had a few hours of free-time to get through it. Tonights homework won't be due till Monday, so that gives me some more time to focus and learn.

ok - have to get ready. Thanks for listening/reading - RM.

Thursday Thirteen

Everybody has at least a top 5 right? The "list" of excusable famous people that you are allowed to have an affair with if the opportunity arises regardless of your current relationship status. Me too.. only mine is going to be the top 13 today... I'll leave it up to you to pick who you think my top 5 are...

Who's on your list?

Curiosity....

Regarding a previous post, Curious said: "Okay, I don't know if you take requests, but if you do I need to get a post that will expand Random Things #5 because I couldn't read anything further. I need to know how it came about, when you decided to get it, is it more for aesthetics or does it have a physical appeal and to round it all up, will there be more? You should know you can't leave a brother hanging like that when he's only slightly on this side of freaky. Oh and for a bonus points, you can tell me how you feel about men with Prince Albert's, yea or nay. I've been thinking of ... well lets just say I've been thinking"



Since I seem to have insomnia tonight... consider your request granted. For those of you still reading.. the following will likely be TMI and sexually graphic in detail. If you are still reading... consider yourself warned!



Random things #5 said: "I have a piercing below my navel and above my knees"



It came about because like many women, I have a hard time reaching the big "O" with just intercourse. I can get there with help from manual stimulation, oral stimulation, vibrating stimulation, etc. but not from intercourse alone. Even though this is extraordinarily common, I felt like perhaps there was something I could do since I felt like getting me to orgasm was such a production. Guys get there so easy, it's damn frustrating.



I started my research and from all of the things I read, the vertical hood piercing was reported to produce fantastic stimulation during intercourse. My sister-in-law already had a horizontal hood piercing that she really liked, but also wanted to get the vertical piercing.



I was dating someone at the time and thought I should ask him what he thought first. Ha ha, I shouldn't have been concerned! He happily gave his blessing and off we went. The two of us went to a reputable tattoo/piercing place where my SIL got her first one done. First we picked out the gauge of barbell. For this type of piercing, the barbell is curved like this:


We both picked the smallest gauge. She went first and told me I could watch him pierce her. We were in a small very clean room that had a table like at the doctors office. He had a jar of new sharpies, gloves, sterile needles and other items. First he put on gloves then took out her other piercing, cleaned the area and used a new sharpie to mark where the piercing would go.

Then he took a hollow tube in one hand and placed it under the hood of her clit (very few people actually have their clitoris pierced.) With the other hand he prepared the needle using the hollow tube as a guide. One quick movement and the piercing was complete. He then followed the needle with the barbell, screwed on the ball and she was good to go.

My turn!

Since I am a woman and have had a baby, having a guy pierce me was not really a big deal. Many a strange man and woman have seen things on me that I have only witnessed via hand-held mirror.

So the process was the same for me, new gloves, new sharpie, new needle, new tube, new barbell, etc. 1, 2, 3, OUCH!! Shit that hurt! Anyone who has had anything pierced knows that burning hot sensation that you get with the pain... this was no different. It felt like my clit was on fire!

The pain lasted about 3 hours and then it was only a twinge here and there.

So... that was 4 years and 4 boyfriends ago... So far no complaints from any of them, lol. I can't feel it when I am just walking around or anything, it does help with stimulation a little, but really not enough that I would do it again. My SIL on the other hand said that hers gave her way too much stimulation so she had to take it out. I don't think she ever got the other one put back in.

I like the shock factor it gives when someone I am dating finds out there might be more to me than meets the eye... ;)

Other than that one and my ears, I don't have any more piercings. I have considered having the gauge changed to see if that made a difference, but I don't really think it will. I have no plans to get any more!

As for men and Prince Albert's, it's really not my thing. I wouldn't want my man to get a piercing on his penis. That probably sounds super hypocritical, lol. Even though I consider myself to be open sexually and up for experimentation, I generally don't like the look/idea of body piercings, and think that for me, this was more of a functional piercing rather than just for aesthetics.

My first blog honor

I started this blog as an outlet for thoughts and expressions that I have been carrying with me for years, but felt unable to share with people I know. Through reading other blogs and searching back in my life I have come to understand how intimately connected we are to each other through our lives, experiences and feelings.


I appreciate all of the bloggers who visit, comment, inspire and encourage. And I am honored to be nominated for this blogger award by one of my very favorite bloggers: Ugly Black John . If you aren't a reader already, check him out!




To keep the honors moving and to encourage others on their journey, here are 10 bloggers who inspire me:


Mr. Slish: http://mrslish.wordpress.com/
I started reading this blog waaay before I started writing. Funny, entertaining, and the best story teller ever!


Curious: http://limited-means.blogspot.com/
The best picture-blogger I know. If his blogs don't speak to you the pictures will. Curious speaks to me in layers of life and experience.


GirlCaspar: http://bxholdthecheese.blogspot.com/
Forever to be known on my blog as "GirlCas". This blogger can get you right in the gut or have your mind circling around a thought for days. Smart, funny, introspective. Love her.


Nikki: http://iniquitous1.blogspot.com/
The most entertainingly descriptive blogger I read. She can take you with her wherever she has been, just as if you were in the room with her. Talented, very, very talented.


One Man: http://lookatthisnigger.blogspot.com/
Family, work and shenanigans. What else can I say.


ClnMike: http://thehappygoluckybachelor.blogspot.com/
Always clean, always entertaining. Currently writing his "deal breakers" list. Usually contains disturbing pictures and fantastic music to go along with his great blogging skills.


DorchestersDaughter: http://latenotsogreats20s.blogspot.com/
This blogger is sharp! DD shares her life, growth and thoughts in a very honest and real way.


Miss Mahogony: http://missmahogany.blogspot.com/
MM has a talent for writing. After you check out her main page, check out the adult-rated one too. Steamy!


FreeMan: http://freemanpress.wordpress.com/
FreeMan is so smart and so on top of all things thought-provoking. He also has a snazzy new blog-design.


DTW: http://dariustwilliams.blogspot.com/
Darius has big things poppin! His regular blog, his cooking blog, the bloggers book club blog, plus a new web cooking show. He's on FIRE! On top of all that, DTW is a regular visitor to many blogs. His entertaining style will keep you laughing for days.



Thanks again to UBJ for the nomination, to all my blogger fam for reading and to all of those I nominated for keeping the award moving.


If you have been named above, please visit the Helping Hand blog to read the rules for paying it forward.

Happy New Year - 2009

Hey blogger family - Happy New Year!

The one I love is in D.C. with a few of his best friends and I know better than to be out driving with all of the inexperienced drunk drivers (lol). I decided to be the cool mom and let my son have a New Years Party at our house. We had pizza, chips, oreos (they ate the WHOLE BAG), and lots of soda.

I did buy 2 bottles of champaign, but I don't really like champaign so it's still in the fridge unopened... lol. I talked on the phone with my best friend for a while, both of us were stifiling yawns, ready for bed and turning our ringers on silent so we didn't have to hear all the text messages coming through!

My other (male) best friend who is in Chicago sent me a text message at New Years my time even though it's technically not New Years for him yet. That's love! I don't think I'm staying up till 1 to return the favor (I'm on New York time, which we all know is the real New Years time!)

I have decided there are two things I want to learn in 2009. Ready? Here goes:

1. I want to learn how to shoot a gun and go to the shooting range at least 10 times.

2. I want to learn how to play the acoustic guitar.

I'm all for learning and trying new things, how about you? What do you want to learn in 2009?

*I have no idea who Trevor is or what his blog is about. I googled "happy new year" and I liked this image. Thanks Trevor.

Frustration

Sometimes I get so frustrated with my love life.

2 months ago, the one I love and I had a conversation about "where this is going." He said "I'm almost ready to take it to the next level, commit, have an official girlfriend, start having our kids around each other, etc." Great, me too. I was so excited and scared of the prospect of a real relationship. Happy to finally have the kids together, thinking about all the things that we could do and how much more time we would have. Since he has his kids every other week, the weeks he has them we don't see each other at all.

I thought things would naturally progress from there... Yet a whole month went by, 2 of 2 dates were cancelled and I was becoming increasingly frustrated.

About a month after our talk, I finally got him on the phone on a Sunday afternoon. I told him how I felt about not seeing him for a month. I wanted to know what was going on? I thought we were taking it to the next level and now I haven't seen you for a month. I have all the patience in the world so long as we're on the same page, but if we're not - If I'm not what you want and who you want to be with then you need to let me know. I've never asked any man to be somewhere he didn't want to be.

I finally told him I love him, and I told him we have known each other long enough that he should know whether or not he sees me in a place of importance in his life. You should already know if you can see me as your girlfriend. You should already know if you can see me as your wife. You should already know. And if you can't see me in that role, then you need to let me go. Two hours later, he said he wasn't ready to fully commit to a relationship, but he might be ready soon, he isn't sure, he's got some things he needs to work on. He said he thought we should "table" our relationship. Really? That's what you want to do? A month ago you were ready to take it to the next level and now you're not?

When a man tells me he isn't ready for a relationship I hear "You're not the one". This change of heart instantly had me thinking there was another woman on the scene. Of course I asked, of course he said no.

When I am with this man, I feel his love for me, so not for one minute did I believe that he really wanted to end it.. but, since I didn't know what was really going on, I figured what the hell, let me find out for sure.

So I asked him if he would be willing to tell me to my face that he wanted to table the relationship. 3 days later we met at Panera Bread over coffee.. We talked about everything else but what we were there to talk about. On the way out he helped me with my coat and walked me to my car. He looked at me, kissed my forehead, hugged me, kissed my forehead again, said "I'll talk to you soon" and started walking away.

I was like, wait - wasn't there a purpose for this meeting? He smiled and said "yeah, so I could see you" I said - That's it? He said "yeah, that's it" I said - You're sure? He said "yeah, I'll talk to you soon" - Uh huh.. ok.

I waited about 30 minutes and called him - "So..." I said. He said, "I think we should talk about it some more." I said, so you don't want to table it? He said, "no." Ok, we can talk about it some more.

That was about 3 weeks ago or so. We've talked regularly on the phone since then. Sometimes for a while, sometimes just for a quick minute. We made plans to get together last night. I went to his place where we talked and had a few beers. I had a party I needed to show my face at, but with him was where I really wanted to be. I had to leave to go to the party (he wouldn't go with me... what is up with that? I'll save that for another day). I returned to him an hour later where we had some more beer, talked and watched tv.

He fell asleep on the couch with his arms wrapped around me. I started playing with his nipples and rubbing his head. He was like "woman, stop that" lol. He got up, said he needed to go to bed so he could get up early for church. I thought he was going to send me on my way, but he flipped the script on me and said, let me get you a t-shirt to sleep in.

We undressed in the dark - he usually undresses me in a passionate frenzy, but this time he was keeping his distance. He tossed me a t-shirt, I took off my jeans revealing a black thong. He was like, hold up! Flipped the light on real quick to get a better look and then shut the light off.. lol.

I finished undressing, put his t-shirt on and got in the bed. I spooned my back-side to his front side and he teased me telling me to stay on my side of the bed. Two can play that game... I scooted over to my side and layed on my stomach giving him the dark silouette of my ample rear under the covers.

It wasn't long before his hands were all over me and his tounge was tracing across my ears and neck. He had me melting into the bed with his lips and tounge and hands.

We slept for a few hours until it was time for him to get up for church and me to get home. "Call me so I know you made it home ok" he said.

I'm frustrated with us. I'm frustrated that he won't commit. I'm frustrated that I'm 35 and I feel like it's never going to happen for me. I'm frustrated that I feel like my life is incomplete without a partner to share it with. I'm frustrated that my life is passing me by, day by day, year by year and I can't ever get past the "potential girlfriend or girlfriend" stage.

I'm afraid that I'm going to end up alone. No more kids, no husband, no lover who really knows me inside and out. No family to call my own. No one to come home to, to hold me, to love me. I'm frustrated that I know our chances of working out are slim based on his current behavior, but that I still believe it can.

I love this man. I just don't know if I should let go or keep chasing pavement.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas and happy Thursday! My son woke me up at 7 am (yawn.) He used to never wake up early on Christmas morning. When he was little, I used to have to wake him up!

My son didn't really ask for anything this year. He has everything he needs and most things he wants. So here's what he got from me (a.k.a Santa):

iLuv Stereo/ipod docking system with sub woofer

ipod car charger

ipod wall charger

itunes gift card $15

Nike cold weather compression leggings/pants

Leather belt with removable buckle (he's really into belt buckles this year)

We had a great Christmas morning and will be running around all day :) Merry Christmas blogger family, I hope you have a super day!

Wordless Wednesday

10 random things about me

Same rules as all the other tags: Link back to the person who tagged you. He refused to tag, so I self-tagged. Forgive me, I had nothing else to say today.

Answer the questions Tag 7 other bloggers (it's always 7, people need to be more creative) Let them know in the comments they were tagged. (we know I'm not tagging anyone right? tag yourself if you want to)

10 random things about me:

I used to paint, sculpt and draw

My right ring finger is double jointed

I've never been off the continent

I have 1 tattoo

I have a piercing below my navel and above my knees

I hate sleeping with socks on

I envy muscular women

I wear mens boxer briefs

I wish they made them in cotton without the boy-hole

I want to own an art gallery

9 ways to win my heart:

Smarts (don't believe everything you hear, go find out for yourself. Intellegence is sexy)

Affection (Wrap your arms around me, kiss my forehead, hold my hand)

Responsible (Do what you need to do when you need to do it)

Fun (Make me laugh and let me tell my corny jokes)

Humble (Know that you might be the world to me, but the world doesn't revolve around you)

Great teeth (A great smile is worth a thousand words)

Giving (Show me that you love me and others in your life. Give of your time, give your attention, give your love)

Sexy (Know how and when to step it up a notch)

Hard-working (Put in work and reap the rewards)


8 things I want to do before I die:

Learn how to carry a tune

Travel the world

Design my own handbags and shoes

Sell one of my paintings

Find and marry my life partner

Have a daughter

Be a philanthropist

Learn to play the guitar/ukulele


7 ways to annoy me:

Being late

Being disrepectful

Being a bad parent

Placing blame on others

Expect others to handle your business

Not following through

Being stupid (in all it's forms)

6 things I believe in:

My son

Love

Karma

Positive energy

Acupuncture

Cleanliness

5 things I am afraid of:

Losing control

Not being loved

My son being harmed

Success

Failure

4 of my favorite things:

Flannel sheets

Fresh lavender

Chai Tea

Dark chocolate


3 things I do daily:

Kiss my son

Pray

Worry


2 things I want to do within the hour:

Relax

Read more blogs of my favorite folks

1 person I want to see right now:

The one I love

Snow Day!

All the schools are closed, the snow is up past my back door. The steps up my front porch no longer have any definition, they just look like a big mound of snow.

I'm working from home today, lucky to have the ability to log into e-mail and take care of just about everything from the comfort of my couch.

I'll take pictures when the snow stops, hope you are safe and warm wherever you are today!

The Lover

The sing-song ring tone went off in her purse. What does he want?, she wondered to herself. Hello? I'm out shopping. No, I'm not buying anything for you.

Laughing along with his unusually playful mood she realizes he's flirting with her again. "Can I see you later?" he asks. Yes, she replies, you can see me when you pick up our son for the party. "No, after that", he says.

He enters the house smelling like cologne and pipe tobacco. He likes those little cigars, the Black and Mild Vanilla. She really wishes he would quit smoking them. Better than cigarettes, she thinks to herself. He walks into the kitchen muttering something about "his kind of beer" and "who's this in this picture on the fridge?"

She walks into the small kitchen only to realize it's a trap. He just wanted her to be close to him. He points out people in pictures he has seen 10 times. "Who's that? Who's this?" He didn't really care. He just needed and wanted her in his space.

He moved so that he brushed up against her causing her skin to pucker into ten thousand little bumps. Uncontrollable. She walked away knowing he was looking at her ass in her yoga pants the whole time.

Is it cold in here? She wondered aloud. Come here, he said, "I'll warm you up" as he opened his winter coat to welcome her inside. He rarely shows this kind of affection she thinks to herself as she allows him to envelope her into his embrace. It's warm in here.

He starts to move her slowly backward into her bedroom. She resists but she's no match for him. He can easily lift her off the floor and put her exactly where he wants her. She continues to resist even though she knows it's futile. Damn him.

In the bedroom, the lights are off and he pushes her gently toward the bed. Warm lips touch her face, her neck, her lips. "Give me some sugar" he whispers. No. She keeps her lips pressed together refusing to kiss him back.

His weight on her is heavy. They are fully dressed, he even has on his winter coat and hat. But still, the position is intimate, familiar, comforting. He grabs her hair and pulls back hard exposing her neck. Her weakness.

"Kiss me!", he demands. No. She shakes her head, but dares not open her lips.

He ravages her neck, sucking gently across the surface, stroking with his tounge and lips near her collarbone and up around the base of her hairline. With every breath and every stroke she can feel the familiarity returning. Yin and Yang in life, in love, in sync, together forever.

"Do you miss me?", he asks. No. "Tell me the truth." No. "Look me in my eye and tell me you don't miss me." I don't miss you. "You swear?" his voice cracking just a little giving away his emotion like a secret note being passed in school, hoping no one would notice. She couldn't answer.

"Kiss me" he insisted as he ravaged her neck some more, his hands gently tugging and pulling her hair and neck this way and that, opening her for his pleasure, knowing it's the way to her heart and fire.

She couldn't resist. Her teeth caught his bottom lip as he was whispering kisses and love into her soul. Her toungue gathered his energy and returned it to him, sucking gently, licking, flicking, playfully stealing his breath and words from his mouth.

He sighed deeply as he felt her love pass through him. No more words were spoken as he embraced her, wrapped her in his arms, loved her in the moment, knowing that she loved him back. This one, the lover, she's all his. He pulled her out and away from the others. They can have her back tomorrow.

I Adopted A Girl!!!

Ok, not for forever, just for Christmas!

So after feeling lousy about the season and like there was more I needed to be doing this holiday, I contacted an organization in my community that I thought I could help. They service over a thousand families and organize the adopt-a-family for Christmas program. They had all of their families accounted for and then got word that one more family needed help.

I sent an e-mail yesterday, and within 10 minutes "Bob" was calling my desk to talk to me about this family. There are 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl who were just adopted by their grandparents. Since this family didn't have sponsors for Christmas, the administration team decided that they would adopt this famiy of 5. "Bob" invited me to join the administration team in sponsoring this family and I happily accepted!

In my e-mail to "Bob" I mentioned that while I would be willing to sponsor any family, one with a little girl would be especially nice for me since I have been buying boy-stuff for 13 years. Just my luck (or God's hands at work) this family includes a 4 year old little girl, and they are letting me buy just for her - Yay!

I went online today and bought her a red coat with a fuzzy hood, 2 pair of pants, 2 shirts, a micro-fleece 1/2 zip coat, a hat and mittens. I still need to get some socks, boots, a toy and a book or two or three (you can never have too many books!)

Guess what - IT'S CHRISTMAS! And I'm excited!

For any of you feeling the way I did the other day - go find something, anything to give. It's made a HUGE difference in my mental state and it's bringing my heart alive.

Christmas Blues

We're just 2 weeks away from Christmas and I have yet to feel the spirit of the holiday. So many people are in a hard place this year and for most of us, the saying "charity begins at home" has never been more true.

Many who give to the local food bank now depend on that same food bank to eat. Those who previously gave their gently used clothes to the salvation army might now need to shop there for their own children.

I have two friends who are out of work, one who got his car stolen and lost his job in the same week. The other has been out of a job for months, in fact, I think she has been out of a job since Spring. Thankfully, both of them have good families that will stand by them and help them out. And I know that if I ended up in a similar place, my family would help me out.

Every year at work we adopt a few needy families for Christmas. I always ask for the youngest little girl so I can go buy girly stuff (13 years of boy-stuff will do that to you!) Like many companies this year, we cancelled our Christmas party, asked managers not to take their staff out to lunch or dinner on the company's dime and... we also didn't find any needy families to serve.

How I feel right now is how I have felt in other situations and the best way I can explain it is to use the title of a book (that I still have yet to read) by Marian Wright Edelman: "Sea Is So Wide and My Boat Is So Small".

I feel like a little ship in an ocean so wide where the need is so great. The greatest gift we can give, is the gift of our time and our service to others. I know that when I find a way to serve someone else, the Christmas spirit will come alive in me.