The One I Love

I was reading some of my old posts and ran across the one from my last "meeting" with the one I love in 2008. December 27, 2008. That was the last time I saw him. I spent most of 2009 alone until the very end of the year when my son's father returned to the picture. Didn't I tell you he always comes back when I am at my most vulnerable? Damn him. But this post isn't about him.

The one I love and I kept in contact over the last two years. We talked every now and again. One way or another one of us would find a reason to call at least every few months. He told me "you know you have a special place in my heart".

When I was with him I was in such a hurry. Hurry and commit, hurry and get married, hurry and have a baby, hurry hurry hurry. He's just not that kind of guy. I laugh at myself now when I look back at my life & how much I was doing back then; how did I ever manage to find the time to do anything!?! I felt intense pressure to finish school, get married, have a baby and at 35, I knew my years for getting the baby in were running out. It wasn't just about the baby. I wanted the family. The husband, the kids, the craziness. I wanted it all. And I wanted him to give it to me.

Fast forward two years. December 10, 2010. He came by the new place, stepped into my foyer, wrapped his arms around me, gave me a quick kiss and handed me a bottle of champagne. Happy housewarming he said. Welcome home, I thought. We sat on the couch and talked for nearly 4 hours. We talked about our accomplishments, changes in career paths, kids, life, future goals. It was relaxed, unrushed, low pressure, happy, warm and full of love. We laughed and laughed some more. And then we kissed.

My god this man knows how to love me. In our usual fashion the clothes started coming off on the couch in the living room and finished next to the bed. It's always a funny walk of shame through the house looking for tossed or flung articles of clothing the next day... lol.

He spent the night holding me in his arms, warming my soul, giving me peace, easing my mind and fulfulling my dreams. I... still love this man.

I'm taking it slow this time around. No pressure to put a label on it. No pressure to get married. No pressure to have kids. The response I have received in return has been encouraging. I still feel his love for me...I'm still working on becoming the woman who believes she is worthy of it.