It's been ten weeks and six days since my son has seen anyone on his dad's side of the family. His paternal grandfather drives by my house twice a day, every day, once on his way to work, and once on his way home. Despite my invitation to feel welcome to call, come by, or what have you, he still has not, does not.
My son's father moved back into town a month ago after living out of state for 2 years. Has he taken the time to see his child? Nope.
I feel sad for my son that his father doesn't get it.
I used to feel anger toward his family for barging into his life 3 years ago unannounced, uninvited, and just barely welcome. Then I loved his family because they endeared themselves to me and cared for my son and now I feel rejected by his family for being so passive about their involvement with my son.
Since his dad came back into his life 2 years ago they have retreated little by little. Back into oblivion. He might see them on holiday's - maybe. I think my son has seen them twice this year. Three times at most. They live 20 minutes away.
One part of me thinks - fuck them, their loss, they ignored that child for 9 years, shouldn't have expected it to last long. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.
One part of me thinks - How dare they come into his life, then walk away.
One part of me thinks - Have I done something wrong? Did I offend them away?
One part of me thinks - I should call them, have a grown up conversation, clear the air. Maybe they don't see.
What does it take to get your family to see that you need them? How does a 12 year old little boy tell his dad, I need you? He doesn't. He gets angry, he gets pissed, he shuts down. He says "I don't care" when I know he does.
My son used to ask me for a new daddy. "Momma, can you get married so I can have a new daddy, mine isn't very good." He stopped asking a few years ago, adolecence and detachment set in.
5 years ago
7 comments:
Hey - if you're still interested in the book club - you can check it out - www.bloggersread.blogspot.com
I just read your post. This is really a tough situation. It reminds me so much of my own. I basically grew up my entire life with no father. Then my father died when I was 19. I didn't even feel bad at the funeral because I didn't even know the guy in the casket. Pretty horrible, right?
I'd say all young men need their fathers. But at 12 years old - your son already has an idea of who he is. Realistically, that picture may not include his father. I don't care who you are - if your son's picture of who he is doesn't include his father, there's nothing you can do to make him draw a different picture...nothing.
-DTW
Darius - Thanks for the bookclub link, I'm for sure going to get involved in that.
I have so many friends that grew up without their dads. Each one delt with it in a different way. As the mom, I feel like I have to do everything in my power to encourage their relationship, but at the same time I feel powerless.
I feel like I have to do everything I can to not disparage his dads character even when I hate what he is doing to my son.
It's hard raising a son to be a good, honorable man with character when he only has his mother to look up to. I know it can be done, we've seen great men come from fatherless homes before. Somedays it just wears me thin!
I thought I'd drop by and see what things were like with you. I've read your entire blog and there is a sadness there and that's not good.
So your son's father or his family don't come around as often as you like. You can only play the game with the cards you're dealt with. If that means getting someone else, a lover, a friend, a relative or even someone from Big Brother or some other organization, you can still find a male role model for your son to be with. I'm sure it's not the way you thought it would turn out, but there are so many other ways that will be just as good as what you wanted if you let them.
You're right, and I do. I have a ton of great friends that are there for him and show him what a man is supposed to do and be. And really, I'm doing a damn fine job myself! But still - he needs his dad.
BTW - if you are a man (especially a black man) reading this blog - call the Big Brothers & Big Sisters organization and donate some time. They really do need men to step up.
My son enrolled in that program when he was seven - he's now twelve and never got matched with a big brother.
Since this is the beginning of my blog I think there are some heavier weights that I needed to get off my chest before the lighter side of my life comes out :) I'm really not that sad anymore, but I was for a while!
Thanks for reading and commenting!
I'm the father figure to many of my cousins (and some of their cousins).
There mom's think that I'm too mean but the boys respond to dicipline well. I've whipped some (but not after they turn twelve - many look foreward to thirteen because it becomes the time that reason takes over from punishment. But those whippin's are still in the back of their minds so they know not to test me.).
When they want to be "hood", I take them to the hood with me to see what's really happening. They meet the dealers, hookers, pimps and downtrodden. They see that it's not the life that they want to aspire to and listen when i take them back to my house (in an afluent sub-division).
Taising boys well is not impossible for a woman to do alone. It just takes more sacrifice and patience. Make sure that your son understands that not all knowledge is profitable and teach him to be able to tell the difference.
Raw Dawg seems to put forth the ideal of being "The Warrior Scholar". (Hannibal, King David, Constantine - among others throughout history) It's a tough trick to pull off, but well worth it.
Good luck in your stuggles and victories.
Not "Taising" meant to say Raising.
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