Frustration

Sometimes I get so frustrated with my love life.

2 months ago, the one I love and I had a conversation about "where this is going." He said "I'm almost ready to take it to the next level, commit, have an official girlfriend, start having our kids around each other, etc." Great, me too. I was so excited and scared of the prospect of a real relationship. Happy to finally have the kids together, thinking about all the things that we could do and how much more time we would have. Since he has his kids every other week, the weeks he has them we don't see each other at all.

I thought things would naturally progress from there... Yet a whole month went by, 2 of 2 dates were cancelled and I was becoming increasingly frustrated.

About a month after our talk, I finally got him on the phone on a Sunday afternoon. I told him how I felt about not seeing him for a month. I wanted to know what was going on? I thought we were taking it to the next level and now I haven't seen you for a month. I have all the patience in the world so long as we're on the same page, but if we're not - If I'm not what you want and who you want to be with then you need to let me know. I've never asked any man to be somewhere he didn't want to be.

I finally told him I love him, and I told him we have known each other long enough that he should know whether or not he sees me in a place of importance in his life. You should already know if you can see me as your girlfriend. You should already know if you can see me as your wife. You should already know. And if you can't see me in that role, then you need to let me go. Two hours later, he said he wasn't ready to fully commit to a relationship, but he might be ready soon, he isn't sure, he's got some things he needs to work on. He said he thought we should "table" our relationship. Really? That's what you want to do? A month ago you were ready to take it to the next level and now you're not?

When a man tells me he isn't ready for a relationship I hear "You're not the one". This change of heart instantly had me thinking there was another woman on the scene. Of course I asked, of course he said no.

When I am with this man, I feel his love for me, so not for one minute did I believe that he really wanted to end it.. but, since I didn't know what was really going on, I figured what the hell, let me find out for sure.

So I asked him if he would be willing to tell me to my face that he wanted to table the relationship. 3 days later we met at Panera Bread over coffee.. We talked about everything else but what we were there to talk about. On the way out he helped me with my coat and walked me to my car. He looked at me, kissed my forehead, hugged me, kissed my forehead again, said "I'll talk to you soon" and started walking away.

I was like, wait - wasn't there a purpose for this meeting? He smiled and said "yeah, so I could see you" I said - That's it? He said "yeah, that's it" I said - You're sure? He said "yeah, I'll talk to you soon" - Uh huh.. ok.

I waited about 30 minutes and called him - "So..." I said. He said, "I think we should talk about it some more." I said, so you don't want to table it? He said, "no." Ok, we can talk about it some more.

That was about 3 weeks ago or so. We've talked regularly on the phone since then. Sometimes for a while, sometimes just for a quick minute. We made plans to get together last night. I went to his place where we talked and had a few beers. I had a party I needed to show my face at, but with him was where I really wanted to be. I had to leave to go to the party (he wouldn't go with me... what is up with that? I'll save that for another day). I returned to him an hour later where we had some more beer, talked and watched tv.

He fell asleep on the couch with his arms wrapped around me. I started playing with his nipples and rubbing his head. He was like "woman, stop that" lol. He got up, said he needed to go to bed so he could get up early for church. I thought he was going to send me on my way, but he flipped the script on me and said, let me get you a t-shirt to sleep in.

We undressed in the dark - he usually undresses me in a passionate frenzy, but this time he was keeping his distance. He tossed me a t-shirt, I took off my jeans revealing a black thong. He was like, hold up! Flipped the light on real quick to get a better look and then shut the light off.. lol.

I finished undressing, put his t-shirt on and got in the bed. I spooned my back-side to his front side and he teased me telling me to stay on my side of the bed. Two can play that game... I scooted over to my side and layed on my stomach giving him the dark silouette of my ample rear under the covers.

It wasn't long before his hands were all over me and his tounge was tracing across my ears and neck. He had me melting into the bed with his lips and tounge and hands.

We slept for a few hours until it was time for him to get up for church and me to get home. "Call me so I know you made it home ok" he said.

I'm frustrated with us. I'm frustrated that he won't commit. I'm frustrated that I'm 35 and I feel like it's never going to happen for me. I'm frustrated that I feel like my life is incomplete without a partner to share it with. I'm frustrated that my life is passing me by, day by day, year by year and I can't ever get past the "potential girlfriend or girlfriend" stage.

I'm afraid that I'm going to end up alone. No more kids, no husband, no lover who really knows me inside and out. No family to call my own. No one to come home to, to hold me, to love me. I'm frustrated that I know our chances of working out are slim based on his current behavior, but that I still believe it can.

I love this man. I just don't know if I should let go or keep chasing pavement.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas and happy Thursday! My son woke me up at 7 am (yawn.) He used to never wake up early on Christmas morning. When he was little, I used to have to wake him up!

My son didn't really ask for anything this year. He has everything he needs and most things he wants. So here's what he got from me (a.k.a Santa):

iLuv Stereo/ipod docking system with sub woofer

ipod car charger

ipod wall charger

itunes gift card $15

Nike cold weather compression leggings/pants

Leather belt with removable buckle (he's really into belt buckles this year)

We had a great Christmas morning and will be running around all day :) Merry Christmas blogger family, I hope you have a super day!

Wordless Wednesday

10 random things about me

Same rules as all the other tags: Link back to the person who tagged you. He refused to tag, so I self-tagged. Forgive me, I had nothing else to say today.

Answer the questions Tag 7 other bloggers (it's always 7, people need to be more creative) Let them know in the comments they were tagged. (we know I'm not tagging anyone right? tag yourself if you want to)

10 random things about me:

I used to paint, sculpt and draw

My right ring finger is double jointed

I've never been off the continent

I have 1 tattoo

I have a piercing below my navel and above my knees

I hate sleeping with socks on

I envy muscular women

I wear mens boxer briefs

I wish they made them in cotton without the boy-hole

I want to own an art gallery

9 ways to win my heart:

Smarts (don't believe everything you hear, go find out for yourself. Intellegence is sexy)

Affection (Wrap your arms around me, kiss my forehead, hold my hand)

Responsible (Do what you need to do when you need to do it)

Fun (Make me laugh and let me tell my corny jokes)

Humble (Know that you might be the world to me, but the world doesn't revolve around you)

Great teeth (A great smile is worth a thousand words)

Giving (Show me that you love me and others in your life. Give of your time, give your attention, give your love)

Sexy (Know how and when to step it up a notch)

Hard-working (Put in work and reap the rewards)


8 things I want to do before I die:

Learn how to carry a tune

Travel the world

Design my own handbags and shoes

Sell one of my paintings

Find and marry my life partner

Have a daughter

Be a philanthropist

Learn to play the guitar/ukulele


7 ways to annoy me:

Being late

Being disrepectful

Being a bad parent

Placing blame on others

Expect others to handle your business

Not following through

Being stupid (in all it's forms)

6 things I believe in:

My son

Love

Karma

Positive energy

Acupuncture

Cleanliness

5 things I am afraid of:

Losing control

Not being loved

My son being harmed

Success

Failure

4 of my favorite things:

Flannel sheets

Fresh lavender

Chai Tea

Dark chocolate


3 things I do daily:

Kiss my son

Pray

Worry


2 things I want to do within the hour:

Relax

Read more blogs of my favorite folks

1 person I want to see right now:

The one I love

Snow Day!

All the schools are closed, the snow is up past my back door. The steps up my front porch no longer have any definition, they just look like a big mound of snow.

I'm working from home today, lucky to have the ability to log into e-mail and take care of just about everything from the comfort of my couch.

I'll take pictures when the snow stops, hope you are safe and warm wherever you are today!

The Lover

The sing-song ring tone went off in her purse. What does he want?, she wondered to herself. Hello? I'm out shopping. No, I'm not buying anything for you.

Laughing along with his unusually playful mood she realizes he's flirting with her again. "Can I see you later?" he asks. Yes, she replies, you can see me when you pick up our son for the party. "No, after that", he says.

He enters the house smelling like cologne and pipe tobacco. He likes those little cigars, the Black and Mild Vanilla. She really wishes he would quit smoking them. Better than cigarettes, she thinks to herself. He walks into the kitchen muttering something about "his kind of beer" and "who's this in this picture on the fridge?"

She walks into the small kitchen only to realize it's a trap. He just wanted her to be close to him. He points out people in pictures he has seen 10 times. "Who's that? Who's this?" He didn't really care. He just needed and wanted her in his space.

He moved so that he brushed up against her causing her skin to pucker into ten thousand little bumps. Uncontrollable. She walked away knowing he was looking at her ass in her yoga pants the whole time.

Is it cold in here? She wondered aloud. Come here, he said, "I'll warm you up" as he opened his winter coat to welcome her inside. He rarely shows this kind of affection she thinks to herself as she allows him to envelope her into his embrace. It's warm in here.

He starts to move her slowly backward into her bedroom. She resists but she's no match for him. He can easily lift her off the floor and put her exactly where he wants her. She continues to resist even though she knows it's futile. Damn him.

In the bedroom, the lights are off and he pushes her gently toward the bed. Warm lips touch her face, her neck, her lips. "Give me some sugar" he whispers. No. She keeps her lips pressed together refusing to kiss him back.

His weight on her is heavy. They are fully dressed, he even has on his winter coat and hat. But still, the position is intimate, familiar, comforting. He grabs her hair and pulls back hard exposing her neck. Her weakness.

"Kiss me!", he demands. No. She shakes her head, but dares not open her lips.

He ravages her neck, sucking gently across the surface, stroking with his tounge and lips near her collarbone and up around the base of her hairline. With every breath and every stroke she can feel the familiarity returning. Yin and Yang in life, in love, in sync, together forever.

"Do you miss me?", he asks. No. "Tell me the truth." No. "Look me in my eye and tell me you don't miss me." I don't miss you. "You swear?" his voice cracking just a little giving away his emotion like a secret note being passed in school, hoping no one would notice. She couldn't answer.

"Kiss me" he insisted as he ravaged her neck some more, his hands gently tugging and pulling her hair and neck this way and that, opening her for his pleasure, knowing it's the way to her heart and fire.

She couldn't resist. Her teeth caught his bottom lip as he was whispering kisses and love into her soul. Her toungue gathered his energy and returned it to him, sucking gently, licking, flicking, playfully stealing his breath and words from his mouth.

He sighed deeply as he felt her love pass through him. No more words were spoken as he embraced her, wrapped her in his arms, loved her in the moment, knowing that she loved him back. This one, the lover, she's all his. He pulled her out and away from the others. They can have her back tomorrow.

I Adopted A Girl!!!

Ok, not for forever, just for Christmas!

So after feeling lousy about the season and like there was more I needed to be doing this holiday, I contacted an organization in my community that I thought I could help. They service over a thousand families and organize the adopt-a-family for Christmas program. They had all of their families accounted for and then got word that one more family needed help.

I sent an e-mail yesterday, and within 10 minutes "Bob" was calling my desk to talk to me about this family. There are 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl who were just adopted by their grandparents. Since this family didn't have sponsors for Christmas, the administration team decided that they would adopt this famiy of 5. "Bob" invited me to join the administration team in sponsoring this family and I happily accepted!

In my e-mail to "Bob" I mentioned that while I would be willing to sponsor any family, one with a little girl would be especially nice for me since I have been buying boy-stuff for 13 years. Just my luck (or God's hands at work) this family includes a 4 year old little girl, and they are letting me buy just for her - Yay!

I went online today and bought her a red coat with a fuzzy hood, 2 pair of pants, 2 shirts, a micro-fleece 1/2 zip coat, a hat and mittens. I still need to get some socks, boots, a toy and a book or two or three (you can never have too many books!)

Guess what - IT'S CHRISTMAS! And I'm excited!

For any of you feeling the way I did the other day - go find something, anything to give. It's made a HUGE difference in my mental state and it's bringing my heart alive.

Christmas Blues

We're just 2 weeks away from Christmas and I have yet to feel the spirit of the holiday. So many people are in a hard place this year and for most of us, the saying "charity begins at home" has never been more true.

Many who give to the local food bank now depend on that same food bank to eat. Those who previously gave their gently used clothes to the salvation army might now need to shop there for their own children.

I have two friends who are out of work, one who got his car stolen and lost his job in the same week. The other has been out of a job for months, in fact, I think she has been out of a job since Spring. Thankfully, both of them have good families that will stand by them and help them out. And I know that if I ended up in a similar place, my family would help me out.

Every year at work we adopt a few needy families for Christmas. I always ask for the youngest little girl so I can go buy girly stuff (13 years of boy-stuff will do that to you!) Like many companies this year, we cancelled our Christmas party, asked managers not to take their staff out to lunch or dinner on the company's dime and... we also didn't find any needy families to serve.

How I feel right now is how I have felt in other situations and the best way I can explain it is to use the title of a book (that I still have yet to read) by Marian Wright Edelman: "Sea Is So Wide and My Boat Is So Small".

I feel like a little ship in an ocean so wide where the need is so great. The greatest gift we can give, is the gift of our time and our service to others. I know that when I find a way to serve someone else, the Christmas spirit will come alive in me.