Frustration

Sometimes I get so frustrated with my love life.

2 months ago, the one I love and I had a conversation about "where this is going." He said "I'm almost ready to take it to the next level, commit, have an official girlfriend, start having our kids around each other, etc." Great, me too. I was so excited and scared of the prospect of a real relationship. Happy to finally have the kids together, thinking about all the things that we could do and how much more time we would have. Since he has his kids every other week, the weeks he has them we don't see each other at all.

I thought things would naturally progress from there... Yet a whole month went by, 2 of 2 dates were cancelled and I was becoming increasingly frustrated.

About a month after our talk, I finally got him on the phone on a Sunday afternoon. I told him how I felt about not seeing him for a month. I wanted to know what was going on? I thought we were taking it to the next level and now I haven't seen you for a month. I have all the patience in the world so long as we're on the same page, but if we're not - If I'm not what you want and who you want to be with then you need to let me know. I've never asked any man to be somewhere he didn't want to be.

I finally told him I love him, and I told him we have known each other long enough that he should know whether or not he sees me in a place of importance in his life. You should already know if you can see me as your girlfriend. You should already know if you can see me as your wife. You should already know. And if you can't see me in that role, then you need to let me go. Two hours later, he said he wasn't ready to fully commit to a relationship, but he might be ready soon, he isn't sure, he's got some things he needs to work on. He said he thought we should "table" our relationship. Really? That's what you want to do? A month ago you were ready to take it to the next level and now you're not?

When a man tells me he isn't ready for a relationship I hear "You're not the one". This change of heart instantly had me thinking there was another woman on the scene. Of course I asked, of course he said no.

When I am with this man, I feel his love for me, so not for one minute did I believe that he really wanted to end it.. but, since I didn't know what was really going on, I figured what the hell, let me find out for sure.

So I asked him if he would be willing to tell me to my face that he wanted to table the relationship. 3 days later we met at Panera Bread over coffee.. We talked about everything else but what we were there to talk about. On the way out he helped me with my coat and walked me to my car. He looked at me, kissed my forehead, hugged me, kissed my forehead again, said "I'll talk to you soon" and started walking away.

I was like, wait - wasn't there a purpose for this meeting? He smiled and said "yeah, so I could see you" I said - That's it? He said "yeah, that's it" I said - You're sure? He said "yeah, I'll talk to you soon" - Uh huh.. ok.

I waited about 30 minutes and called him - "So..." I said. He said, "I think we should talk about it some more." I said, so you don't want to table it? He said, "no." Ok, we can talk about it some more.

That was about 3 weeks ago or so. We've talked regularly on the phone since then. Sometimes for a while, sometimes just for a quick minute. We made plans to get together last night. I went to his place where we talked and had a few beers. I had a party I needed to show my face at, but with him was where I really wanted to be. I had to leave to go to the party (he wouldn't go with me... what is up with that? I'll save that for another day). I returned to him an hour later where we had some more beer, talked and watched tv.

He fell asleep on the couch with his arms wrapped around me. I started playing with his nipples and rubbing his head. He was like "woman, stop that" lol. He got up, said he needed to go to bed so he could get up early for church. I thought he was going to send me on my way, but he flipped the script on me and said, let me get you a t-shirt to sleep in.

We undressed in the dark - he usually undresses me in a passionate frenzy, but this time he was keeping his distance. He tossed me a t-shirt, I took off my jeans revealing a black thong. He was like, hold up! Flipped the light on real quick to get a better look and then shut the light off.. lol.

I finished undressing, put his t-shirt on and got in the bed. I spooned my back-side to his front side and he teased me telling me to stay on my side of the bed. Two can play that game... I scooted over to my side and layed on my stomach giving him the dark silouette of my ample rear under the covers.

It wasn't long before his hands were all over me and his tounge was tracing across my ears and neck. He had me melting into the bed with his lips and tounge and hands.

We slept for a few hours until it was time for him to get up for church and me to get home. "Call me so I know you made it home ok" he said.

I'm frustrated with us. I'm frustrated that he won't commit. I'm frustrated that I'm 35 and I feel like it's never going to happen for me. I'm frustrated that I feel like my life is incomplete without a partner to share it with. I'm frustrated that my life is passing me by, day by day, year by year and I can't ever get past the "potential girlfriend or girlfriend" stage.

I'm afraid that I'm going to end up alone. No more kids, no husband, no lover who really knows me inside and out. No family to call my own. No one to come home to, to hold me, to love me. I'm frustrated that I know our chances of working out are slim based on his current behavior, but that I still believe it can.

I love this man. I just don't know if I should let go or keep chasing pavement.