Annoyed.

I got invited to a single mom's group through one of my friends. This group meets once a month at the church she attends and does something fun. Today we had a little food, a little pampering (the Mary Kay lady came and did hand treatments and facials) and we had a lot of laughs, a lot! It took us more than 3 hours to get through something that should have taken 30 minutes because we were having so much fun.

Here's the thing... I don't go to church because in my experience, pastors, preachers, deacons, ministers, whatever you want to call them - are hypocrites. In fact, many people in the church are hypocritical. I can't deal with it and still feel like I can like you the next day. In addition, I also feel like a lot of what is in the bible was based on who had the power, who wanted the power and what were they willing to do or say to get the power. So because of that, I'm just not one of the "believers" that's going to say, well the bible said... and live my life according to someone elses interpretation of what that means. I can't do it. I'm comfortable with a lot of things in the church, but if I feel like I'm being manipulated or worked over - I'm OUT.

So anyway... we're having a good 'ol time laughing, cracking jokes, etc. till someone starts talking about Tyler Perry. Lawd, why do we have to keep talking about this man. Leave him be! So one lady says something about TP, and another chimes in about him being gay, and another chimes in about him being engaged to a model. And I'm like - dude is gay, if the gay's say he is gay, and the gay's do say he is gay, then dude is gay. Folks just need to leave him alone and let him be who he is.

OMG, all eyes on me. So, they say - he just needs to pray on it and God will fix his gayness. God will fix it if only he prays to be "healed" - WHAT!?!?! All these ladies could tell by the look on my face that I was not falling for it. I said, um no - if the dude is gay, he's gay, or bi-sexual even but still gay, end of story. So, they say - you don't think that God can heal his gayness through prayer? Um no - I said: "no, I do not think that prayer or God can ultimately change the true sexuality of anyone, I don't." To which one lady replied "well then if you don't believe that, then you don't believe that God can do all things, be all things and heal all things"

Ok - lets just talk about that for a second. I believe in a higher power. I believe in prayer, I believe in the power of good intention, I believe that we are all destined for another life in another place in a different level of consiousness. I believe in a lot of things. I don't believe that homosexuals need to be "fixed" - WTF? I don't believe that homosexuality is wrong. I don't believe that homosexuals need prayer or healing or anything else that would be used to change who they are as it relates to their choice of partner regardless of gender. I don't. There isn't any thing to fix. (I thought all of this in my head..not out loud)

So then the lady says, "well then I will pray for you to believe that he can" - to which I replied "great, I'll let you know if it works" LOL!

She was caught off guard by that for sure. But she appreciated my honesty - or so she said. We were still having a good time talking and discussing and bantering back and forth but I know that I lit a little fire in a few of those folks. It's all good. I gave them something to think about which probably doesn't happen too often.

I can't be part of the flock. I can't believe all of what they believe, I can't agree with many things that "the bible" says. I just can't. I'm annoyed because all of my life I have fought for things that others dismiss. All of my life my thought process has gone outside of the norm and into realms that should be unknown to me but aren't. I'm annoyed because sometimes I feel like I am missing the weight that secures me to a community, a church, a home, a family, a confidant. I'm annoyed because I feel like I can only share my thoughts if I am willing to be the odd (wo)man out.

I'm annoyed because my separation feels like a curse when I know that it's a blessing. I am part of the higher power, I am part of the enlightenment, I am one of many that can share a different view point and get you to think. Sometimes I think ignorance is bliss. How simple it must be to KNOW that God is the truth and everything in him will be. To accept it, to know it, to feel it, to live it. Life must be wonderful under that umbrella.

But I can't get under, I won't get under. I need to make sure that I can feel the rain on my face, and the cool water on my skin. It's how I know I'm still alive. Me. It's who I am.

Think I'll get invited back?