5 years ago
Wednesday, October 29, 2008
Wow.
I'm sitting here watching the future President Obama's commercial with hope in my heart and tears running down my cheeks. 6 days folks. 6 days.
What is gender?
So I'm sitting here watching Dr. Phil and today they have on parents of kids (little kids) who feel they are the wrong gender. In two of the cases the boys felt like they were girls. They wanted to dress in girl clothing, wear barrettes, play with dolls and do "girl" things. In both of these cases, after the parents struggled with it for a while, they allowed their sons to dress like girls and essentially change their outward appearance to female.
When my son was little, he used to want me to paint his fingernails and toenails and he also liked to wear a tutu (like for ballet), lol. In addition, he was facinated with trucks, trains and sports. He no longer wants me to paint his fingernails or dress in girls clothing, but what if he did?
I have an Aunt who always acted like a boy - always. She looked like a boy (strong jaw, narrow build, no hips, etc.) she acted like a boy, she sounded like a boy when she talked, she played sports and overall acted like a boy. No one was really surprised when she "came out of the closet" and announced that she was gay. But is she? If a child is born with male genitalia but feels like a girl, acts like a girl, wants to be a girl and likes boys - Is he homosexual... or a straight girl born with the wrong genetalia? If a child is born with female genitalia but feel like a boy, acts like a boy, wants to be a boy and likes girls - Is she homosexual...or a straight boy born with the wrong genetalia?
When I think about what makes me a woman it isn't because I have hips, breasts and a vagina. I like my body to be feminine, I like to be pampered, I like to have my hair done, I loved the feeling of feeding an infant from my body, I like feeling pretty and sexy and well...womanly. I want a daughter because I want to dress her in pink, do her hair in barrettes and headbands and paint her fingernails. I want to be there when she gets her first bra and have tea parties with her. It doesn't mean that she couldn't love sports, but she can do that and be a girl at the same time. I do!
So anyway - on this show they had some other opinions of folks not in this situation who thought that there was no way that a boy could be born in the wrong body because "God doesn't make mistakes." For parents to allow their kids to express that they feel like another gender is just bad parenting... Are they kidding me? What sane parent would choose to have their child change genders? What sane child would choose to be made fun of at school, looked at funny, ridiculed for being different, etc. They wouldn't.
So blogger fam.. what say you? What makes you male? What makes you female? What attracts you to the opposite sex or the same sex or both? What would you do if your son or daughter came to you and said they wanted to change genders? Do you think that we're born to be the gender that the anatomy between our legs suggests us to be, or do you think that gender is formed in the mind?
When my son was little, he used to want me to paint his fingernails and toenails and he also liked to wear a tutu (like for ballet), lol. In addition, he was facinated with trucks, trains and sports. He no longer wants me to paint his fingernails or dress in girls clothing, but what if he did?
I have an Aunt who always acted like a boy - always. She looked like a boy (strong jaw, narrow build, no hips, etc.) she acted like a boy, she sounded like a boy when she talked, she played sports and overall acted like a boy. No one was really surprised when she "came out of the closet" and announced that she was gay. But is she? If a child is born with male genitalia but feels like a girl, acts like a girl, wants to be a girl and likes boys - Is he homosexual... or a straight girl born with the wrong genetalia? If a child is born with female genitalia but feel like a boy, acts like a boy, wants to be a boy and likes girls - Is she homosexual...or a straight boy born with the wrong genetalia?
When I think about what makes me a woman it isn't because I have hips, breasts and a vagina. I like my body to be feminine, I like to be pampered, I like to have my hair done, I loved the feeling of feeding an infant from my body, I like feeling pretty and sexy and well...womanly. I want a daughter because I want to dress her in pink, do her hair in barrettes and headbands and paint her fingernails. I want to be there when she gets her first bra and have tea parties with her. It doesn't mean that she couldn't love sports, but she can do that and be a girl at the same time. I do!
So anyway - on this show they had some other opinions of folks not in this situation who thought that there was no way that a boy could be born in the wrong body because "God doesn't make mistakes." For parents to allow their kids to express that they feel like another gender is just bad parenting... Are they kidding me? What sane parent would choose to have their child change genders? What sane child would choose to be made fun of at school, looked at funny, ridiculed for being different, etc. They wouldn't.
So blogger fam.. what say you? What makes you male? What makes you female? What attracts you to the opposite sex or the same sex or both? What would you do if your son or daughter came to you and said they wanted to change genders? Do you think that we're born to be the gender that the anatomy between our legs suggests us to be, or do you think that gender is formed in the mind?
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Why's it always gotta be the black guy?
WTF is up with these crazy girls always blaming it on the black guy? Seriously - is it because of a racial hatred or is it because people are so uneducated about other cultures that they figure they can use a "one-size-fits-most" description and the "guy" will never be found?
The lady that drowned her kids and blamed it on a big black guy - this crazy chick below who carved a backwards "B" into her face and blamed it on a big black guy - both obviously INSANE!! And when this stuff happens, is it an intentional move to further destroy the image of the African American male or is it the (convenient) inability to provide an accurate description?
Think about Asian Americans - can you pick out the differences in facial or body features of individuals in order to pick the right guy out of a line-up or are most Asians small-framed, brown hair, brown eyes, beige skin, etc.? Do you know how to tell if someone on the street is Chinese, Japanese or Vietnamese or do they all look the same to you?
For European Americans - if you are a European American there are a few more common possibilities: Eye color could be blue or brown - hair color could be brown, blonde, red or black and scars or tattoo's would stand out. But if you aren't white, do you notice the differences? Would you be able to tell if that "white" guy over there was Italian, Jewish or Irish?
For African Americans - if you are African American you learn to notice skin tone, eye color and shape, hair style and color, freckles or not, lip shape, height, weight, etc. But if you aren't black you might describe an African American as having "brown hair, brown eyes, and brown skin, 6' tall, medium build" without being able to describe any other distinctive features because they either never learned, or never spent enough time around other cultures to learn the subtle differences.
Same goes for Mexican Americans or Arab Americans - Do you know what features to look for to provide an accurate description if you really needed to?
I am so glad our society is getting better and better at calling out the crazy and placing blame exactly where it does belong and putting these people in jail - right where they belong. Personally.. I think anyone caught blaming their own crimes on the "big black guy" should get an extra 15 years behind bars.
The lady that drowned her kids and blamed it on a big black guy - this crazy chick below who carved a backwards "B" into her face and blamed it on a big black guy - both obviously INSANE!! And when this stuff happens, is it an intentional move to further destroy the image of the African American male or is it the (convenient) inability to provide an accurate description?
Think about Asian Americans - can you pick out the differences in facial or body features of individuals in order to pick the right guy out of a line-up or are most Asians small-framed, brown hair, brown eyes, beige skin, etc.? Do you know how to tell if someone on the street is Chinese, Japanese or Vietnamese or do they all look the same to you?
For European Americans - if you are a European American there are a few more common possibilities: Eye color could be blue or brown - hair color could be brown, blonde, red or black and scars or tattoo's would stand out. But if you aren't white, do you notice the differences? Would you be able to tell if that "white" guy over there was Italian, Jewish or Irish?
For African Americans - if you are African American you learn to notice skin tone, eye color and shape, hair style and color, freckles or not, lip shape, height, weight, etc. But if you aren't black you might describe an African American as having "brown hair, brown eyes, and brown skin, 6' tall, medium build" without being able to describe any other distinctive features because they either never learned, or never spent enough time around other cultures to learn the subtle differences.
Same goes for Mexican Americans or Arab Americans - Do you know what features to look for to provide an accurate description if you really needed to?
I am so glad our society is getting better and better at calling out the crazy and placing blame exactly where it does belong and putting these people in jail - right where they belong. Personally.. I think anyone caught blaming their own crimes on the "big black guy" should get an extra 15 years behind bars.
HR Sex?..
I'm taking an International HR class right now... Is it just me, or does this paragraph sound strangely sexual?
"Hard, soft and contextual goals are often used as the basis for performance criteria."
Hard goals are objective, quantifialble and can be directly measured. (lol - I'll say!)
Soft goals tend to be relationship based and involve interpersonal skills. (When it's soft, you need to have your conversational skills tight!)
Contextual goals attempt to take into consideration factors that result from the situation in which performance occurs. (Dude, better bring your "A" game!)
"Hard, soft and contextual goals are often used as the basis for performance criteria."
Hard goals are objective, quantifialble and can be directly measured. (lol - I'll say!)
Soft goals tend to be relationship based and involve interpersonal skills. (When it's soft, you need to have your conversational skills tight!)
Contextual goals attempt to take into consideration factors that result from the situation in which performance occurs. (Dude, better bring your "A" game!)
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Scorpio
It's almost my birthday...More about how I feel about this later... for now - here's the Scorpio as defined by www.astrocenter.astrology.msn.com
Beneath a controlled, cool exterior beats the heart of the deeply intense Scorpio. Passionate, penetrating, and determined, this sign will probe until they reach the truth. The Scorpio may not speak volumes or show emotions readily, yet rest assured there's an enormous amount of activity happening beneath the surface. Excellent leaders, Scorpions are always aware. When it comes to resourcefulness, this sign comes out ahead.
Friends and Family
Sincerity and truth are strong components of the Scorpio's friends. It can take some time before really close bonds are formed, but once done, the Scorpio will remain dedicated and loyal. Witty and intellectual, they prefer companions who are humorous and easygoing. Full of surprises, this sign will give you the shirt off their backs if that's what you need, yet once they are crossed, there's no turning back. They feel deeply, and once hurt, it can be impossible to turn things around. Commitment to family is strong and consistent with the Scorpio. They are exceptionally helpful in managing affairs, and they are excellent advocates when needed.
Career and Money
I desire is the key phrase for the Scorpio. They are fantastic at managing, solving, or creating. Once the Scorpio sets their sights on a goal, there's no deterring this sign. Tasks that require a scientific, penetrating approach are always best done by Scorpions as they will delve deeply into the materials they have. Their ability to focus coupled with determination makes for strong management skills. They're not ones to worry about making friends on the job scene; rather, they prefer to see the task accomplished well.
Pursuing such careers as scientist, doctor, investigator, navigator, detective, researcher, police officer, business manager, and psychologist all suit the mighty Scorpio. Respect is an essential aspect of working for this sign. They need to respect their coworkers while also feeling a sense of being respected by others.
Scorpions are disciplined enough to stick to a budget and unafraid of working as hard and as long as it takes to get themselves in a good financial position. Many are fortunate and inherit money. Whatever the case - and regardless of the balance - they are great managers of their dollars and are not apt to overspend. Money means security and a sense of control, which is important to the Scorpio. Therefore, they're going to hang onto the majority of the cash, making decisions carefully before turning any of it over.
Love and Sex
This is the strongest of the sexualities in the Zodiac. Incredibly passionate, the Scorpio takes intimacy seriously. Partners need to be intelligent and honest. Much of the foreplay for this sign happens long before the bedroom through conversation and observation. Once in love, they are devoted and loyal to the death. But relationships can take some time. The Scorpio needs to build trust and respect for a potential mate slowly and thoroughly.
SCORPIO TIDBITS
Health
Each sign has a part of the anatomy attached to it, making this the area of the body that is most sensitive to stimulation. The anatomical areas for Scorpio are the genitals, bladder, rectum, and the reproductive organs.
Ruling Planet
The ruling planet for Scorpio is Pluto. Traditionally, this planet rules that which is hidden from view. It also represents conception, birth, death, slow growth, generation, regeneration, unpopular causes, anonymity, phobias, and the exposition of secrets.
Colors
The colors of choice for Scorpio are dark red and maroon.
Gemstone
Scorpio's star stone is the opal.
Lucky Numbers
Scorpio's lucky numbers are 2, 7, and 9.
Compatibility
Scorpions are most compatible with Pisces and Cancer.
Opposite Sign
The opposite sign of Scorpio is Taurus.
The Perfect Gift
The best gifts for a Scorpio are sentimental choices, clothing (especially something sexy), and non-fiction books.
Likes
Truth, facts, being right, teasing, longtime friends, a grand passion, a worthy adversary
Dislikes
Dishonesty, passive people, revealing secrets
House
Natural sign of the Eighth House. This house focuses on sex, taxes, death and rebirth, a partner's resources, inheritance, and regeneration.
Famous Scorpions
Hillary Clinton, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sean Combs, Julia Roberts
Best travel destination
Zambia, Syria, Norway, Halifax, Liverpool, New Orleans, Washington, D.C.
Strengths
Passionate, stubborn, resourceful, brave, a true friend
Weaknesses
Jealous, distrusting, secretive, violent, caustic
Charismatic marks
An intense look in the eyes, muscular
Best environment
Dark, sensuous places, any situation that offers power or rouses strong feelings
Beneath a controlled, cool exterior beats the heart of the deeply intense Scorpio. Passionate, penetrating, and determined, this sign will probe until they reach the truth. The Scorpio may not speak volumes or show emotions readily, yet rest assured there's an enormous amount of activity happening beneath the surface. Excellent leaders, Scorpions are always aware. When it comes to resourcefulness, this sign comes out ahead.
Friends and Family
Sincerity and truth are strong components of the Scorpio's friends. It can take some time before really close bonds are formed, but once done, the Scorpio will remain dedicated and loyal. Witty and intellectual, they prefer companions who are humorous and easygoing. Full of surprises, this sign will give you the shirt off their backs if that's what you need, yet once they are crossed, there's no turning back. They feel deeply, and once hurt, it can be impossible to turn things around. Commitment to family is strong and consistent with the Scorpio. They are exceptionally helpful in managing affairs, and they are excellent advocates when needed.
Career and Money
I desire is the key phrase for the Scorpio. They are fantastic at managing, solving, or creating. Once the Scorpio sets their sights on a goal, there's no deterring this sign. Tasks that require a scientific, penetrating approach are always best done by Scorpions as they will delve deeply into the materials they have. Their ability to focus coupled with determination makes for strong management skills. They're not ones to worry about making friends on the job scene; rather, they prefer to see the task accomplished well.
Pursuing such careers as scientist, doctor, investigator, navigator, detective, researcher, police officer, business manager, and psychologist all suit the mighty Scorpio. Respect is an essential aspect of working for this sign. They need to respect their coworkers while also feeling a sense of being respected by others.
Scorpions are disciplined enough to stick to a budget and unafraid of working as hard and as long as it takes to get themselves in a good financial position. Many are fortunate and inherit money. Whatever the case - and regardless of the balance - they are great managers of their dollars and are not apt to overspend. Money means security and a sense of control, which is important to the Scorpio. Therefore, they're going to hang onto the majority of the cash, making decisions carefully before turning any of it over.
Love and Sex
This is the strongest of the sexualities in the Zodiac. Incredibly passionate, the Scorpio takes intimacy seriously. Partners need to be intelligent and honest. Much of the foreplay for this sign happens long before the bedroom through conversation and observation. Once in love, they are devoted and loyal to the death. But relationships can take some time. The Scorpio needs to build trust and respect for a potential mate slowly and thoroughly.
SCORPIO TIDBITS
Health
Each sign has a part of the anatomy attached to it, making this the area of the body that is most sensitive to stimulation. The anatomical areas for Scorpio are the genitals, bladder, rectum, and the reproductive organs.
Ruling Planet
The ruling planet for Scorpio is Pluto. Traditionally, this planet rules that which is hidden from view. It also represents conception, birth, death, slow growth, generation, regeneration, unpopular causes, anonymity, phobias, and the exposition of secrets.
Colors
The colors of choice for Scorpio are dark red and maroon.
Gemstone
Scorpio's star stone is the opal.
Lucky Numbers
Scorpio's lucky numbers are 2, 7, and 9.
Compatibility
Scorpions are most compatible with Pisces and Cancer.
Opposite Sign
The opposite sign of Scorpio is Taurus.
The Perfect Gift
The best gifts for a Scorpio are sentimental choices, clothing (especially something sexy), and non-fiction books.
Likes
Truth, facts, being right, teasing, longtime friends, a grand passion, a worthy adversary
Dislikes
Dishonesty, passive people, revealing secrets
House
Natural sign of the Eighth House. This house focuses on sex, taxes, death and rebirth, a partner's resources, inheritance, and regeneration.
Famous Scorpions
Hillary Clinton, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sean Combs, Julia Roberts
Best travel destination
Zambia, Syria, Norway, Halifax, Liverpool, New Orleans, Washington, D.C.
Strengths
Passionate, stubborn, resourceful, brave, a true friend
Weaknesses
Jealous, distrusting, secretive, violent, caustic
Charismatic marks
An intense look in the eyes, muscular
Best environment
Dark, sensuous places, any situation that offers power or rouses strong feelings
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
I Spy With My Little Eye....
What can you tell about a person from looking in their cupboards?
I made fried chicken last night - it was sooo good but since a girl has to watch her figure, I only make it a few times a year.. here's a pic:
I made fried chicken last night - it was sooo good but since a girl has to watch her figure, I only make it a few times a year.. here's a pic:
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
Waiting...
Part 2 to the Attention Deficit Series
In 1998 when our son was 2, we got pregnant again. By the time I figured out I was pregnant, the pregnancy had self-terminated and I was in the process of losing it. I felt bad at the time and worse later after we broke up, when I knew that was probably the last chance I had at giving my son a full-biological sibling.
Now that I'm 34 I know that the chances of my finding a husband with so few children that he wants to have 1 or 2 more with me before my eggs dry up or become no good are slim at best. For a while it was a constant thought through my mind... What do I do? Do I just find some random guy or a guy I know and get pregnant? Nah, that's not really me. Besides do I know anyone that I want to deal with forever in that way? Nope. Been there, done that.
Sperm bank? Nah - that's just not me either. International Adoption? Can't really afford it on my own and my employer doesn't offer assistance. My mind stopped at many random places but my thoughts didn't get anywhere.
One day I was in the kitchen having these circular thoughts running through my mind. How do I get a little girl with no husband, no potential husband at the moment, and without having a ton of money to spend on adoption? As I was walking into my dining room this voice - an internal voice of no specific gender, and not my voice said: "adopt from foster care" - I stopped dead in my tracks. Wow. Huh. Ok.
I took a moment to take it all in, it just seemed so simple. There are kids, African American kids, Bi-racial kids, Caucasian kids, Hispanic kids, all waiting for good homes and good parents. As soon as I recoverd from that pause in time (it was like the movies when time stops and you get a messege from a higher power (usually Morgan Freeman, lol))
Anyway - I started my Internet research, found an Agency, called - they had a class starting next week, went to all of my classes, got background checked, fingerprinted, had my physicals done, gave my references, filled out at least 3 or 4 large packets of information about my parents, growing up, how I raise my son, and everything in between. Everything just fell into place and nothing was diffiult. It was like I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing and the path was being paved for me.
I successfully passed all of my classes and my home study, now I just have to find the little girl that is supposed to be a part of our family. I've called on 2 so far.... Ayana** - A beautiful little 2 year old girl with dark hair and big beautiful brown eyes. Her foster mother decided to adopt her. And Eleana** a one year old little bundle of pure love. I submitted my request on 9/29, and I know the agency had a lot of requests for her. I'm still waiting to hear something, but I find comfort in the feeling that when the right little girl is ready it won't be hard. The path will be cleared for me and will be as easy as the rest of the process has been so far. So I'm not fighting it. I'm just... waiting...
**names changed
In 1998 when our son was 2, we got pregnant again. By the time I figured out I was pregnant, the pregnancy had self-terminated and I was in the process of losing it. I felt bad at the time and worse later after we broke up, when I knew that was probably the last chance I had at giving my son a full-biological sibling.
Now that I'm 34 I know that the chances of my finding a husband with so few children that he wants to have 1 or 2 more with me before my eggs dry up or become no good are slim at best. For a while it was a constant thought through my mind... What do I do? Do I just find some random guy or a guy I know and get pregnant? Nah, that's not really me. Besides do I know anyone that I want to deal with forever in that way? Nope. Been there, done that.
Sperm bank? Nah - that's just not me either. International Adoption? Can't really afford it on my own and my employer doesn't offer assistance. My mind stopped at many random places but my thoughts didn't get anywhere.
One day I was in the kitchen having these circular thoughts running through my mind. How do I get a little girl with no husband, no potential husband at the moment, and without having a ton of money to spend on adoption? As I was walking into my dining room this voice - an internal voice of no specific gender, and not my voice said: "adopt from foster care" - I stopped dead in my tracks. Wow. Huh. Ok.
I took a moment to take it all in, it just seemed so simple. There are kids, African American kids, Bi-racial kids, Caucasian kids, Hispanic kids, all waiting for good homes and good parents. As soon as I recoverd from that pause in time (it was like the movies when time stops and you get a messege from a higher power (usually Morgan Freeman, lol))
Anyway - I started my Internet research, found an Agency, called - they had a class starting next week, went to all of my classes, got background checked, fingerprinted, had my physicals done, gave my references, filled out at least 3 or 4 large packets of information about my parents, growing up, how I raise my son, and everything in between. Everything just fell into place and nothing was diffiult. It was like I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing and the path was being paved for me.
I successfully passed all of my classes and my home study, now I just have to find the little girl that is supposed to be a part of our family. I've called on 2 so far.... Ayana** - A beautiful little 2 year old girl with dark hair and big beautiful brown eyes. Her foster mother decided to adopt her. And Eleana** a one year old little bundle of pure love. I submitted my request on 9/29, and I know the agency had a lot of requests for her. I'm still waiting to hear something, but I find comfort in the feeling that when the right little girl is ready it won't be hard. The path will be cleared for me and will be as easy as the rest of the process has been so far. So I'm not fighting it. I'm just... waiting...
**names changed
Sunday, October 12, 2008
I Heart Autumn
My son and I went to the Cider Mill today. It was 78 degrees, beautiful and sunny.
Here's a few pics of our trip:
We bought hotdogs, cider slushes, a gallon of cider to take home, some yummy cinnamon-sugar spiced doughnuts and some chocolate fudge.
Here's a few pics of our trip:
We bought hotdogs, cider slushes, a gallon of cider to take home, some yummy cinnamon-sugar spiced doughnuts and some chocolate fudge.
Friday, October 10, 2008
First Love
In 1987 I met and dated my first love T.S. - At first T.S. wouldn't give me the time of day. He was one of my brothers friends and I knew I loved him the first minute that I saw him, even though at the time I was cussing him out for smoking weed with my brother in the garage. I had it bad for T.S. - I made sure to pass his locker a few times a day. Would go out of my way and be late for my own class just to try and see him in the hallway. To him I was just his friends little sister. To me, he was "the one." After stalking him for a while and getting nowhere I decided to do the next best thing - I ignored him.
No more walking past him on the way to class, no more passing by his locker, no more trying to see him during my day. As much as I tried to see him before, I went out of my way to avoid him now. I wanted him to believe that I was no longer interested and could really care less. Apparently that got him to think I was the greatest thing ever because suddenly the tables were turned and he was the one after me.
We shared a locker, he wrote me love notes, we got caught making out in the Audio/Visual room. We shared secrets, hopes and dreams. We broke up and got back together a hundred times. And we also shared a psychic connection. One summer after not speaking to him for a while my friends and I were just driving around bored. We were almost home and I decided to turn around and go drive by his house.
Quick sidebar: 1. he was already graduated and had a house with friends. 2. Gas was $.97 per gallon, and yes, I know I am old.
So anyway - As I was driving by his house I could see that the TV was on, but I didn't know if he was awake or perhaps had a girlfriend that was over so I just kept driving. It was late, almost Midnight. I stayed the night at my girls house that night and went home the next afternoon. When I got home there was a message on my answering machine. "Hey it's T.S., It's about Midnight and I know it's late, but I was just thinking about you and wanted you to know. Give me a call when you can."
Now I know you all are thinkin' he saw her drive by. #1, it was late and #2, I had a different car than he had ever seen. With all the people I had with me, he would have never seen me on the drivers side because his house was on the passenger side of the street.
There was another time when again, I hadn't talked to him in a minute - I was asleep and I woke up and sat straight up in bed. I looked at the clock - it was 4:45 am and he came to mind. WTF? I went to the bathroom, got back into bed and fell back asleep. As soon as it was a reasonable hour I called his house. His roommate answered - Me: Where's T.S.? His Roommate: I don't know how to tell you this, but T.S. is in the hospital. He got run over by a truck last night on a cigarrette run to the store. Me: What time was that? His roommate: It was late, like 4:30 am.
So after a few times of stuff like this happening, I just figured we were extra connected like some people are. He felt it too. In 1991 I graduated and went off to college. We broke up the summer before I left for school. In the middle of the school year a guy I was dating went psycho and held a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me. After T.S. found out we got back together. He came up to school to see me and in the summer of 1992 he asked me to marry him.
T.S. came from an abusive household. His father would beat him and belittle him and while T.S. was no angel, he wasn't a bad kid. Because of this abuse T.S. had his own demons. He smoked weed, he drank and he had a short fuse. I always knew he loved me but he would break up with me because he thought he would ruin my life. He never verbally abused me, he never physically abused me, he never mentally abused me - but he did push me away many, many times.
During the summer we got engaged we started making plans. He was going to join the service and as soon as he got out of boot camp I would come to wherever he was going to be stationed. He would be in the service and I could go back to college wherever we were going to be. We were going to have a November wedding and a few kids a few years later. I was so happy we finally got to a place where we could be together and I could love his past hurt and pain away. He was supposed to ship out October 15. About 2 weeks prior to that he broke up with me again. He was sorry, he just couldn't do it. He didn't want to ruin my life. I didn't understand then, but now I do. T.S. was wise beyond his years. I gave him an ultimatum. He didn't follow through.
I still have the love notes from high school and I still know exactly where they are. I saw him about 8 years ago. But that's another story for another day.....
No more walking past him on the way to class, no more passing by his locker, no more trying to see him during my day. As much as I tried to see him before, I went out of my way to avoid him now. I wanted him to believe that I was no longer interested and could really care less. Apparently that got him to think I was the greatest thing ever because suddenly the tables were turned and he was the one after me.
We shared a locker, he wrote me love notes, we got caught making out in the Audio/Visual room. We shared secrets, hopes and dreams. We broke up and got back together a hundred times. And we also shared a psychic connection. One summer after not speaking to him for a while my friends and I were just driving around bored. We were almost home and I decided to turn around and go drive by his house.
Quick sidebar: 1. he was already graduated and had a house with friends. 2. Gas was $.97 per gallon, and yes, I know I am old.
So anyway - As I was driving by his house I could see that the TV was on, but I didn't know if he was awake or perhaps had a girlfriend that was over so I just kept driving. It was late, almost Midnight. I stayed the night at my girls house that night and went home the next afternoon. When I got home there was a message on my answering machine. "Hey it's T.S., It's about Midnight and I know it's late, but I was just thinking about you and wanted you to know. Give me a call when you can."
Now I know you all are thinkin' he saw her drive by. #1, it was late and #2, I had a different car than he had ever seen. With all the people I had with me, he would have never seen me on the drivers side because his house was on the passenger side of the street.
There was another time when again, I hadn't talked to him in a minute - I was asleep and I woke up and sat straight up in bed. I looked at the clock - it was 4:45 am and he came to mind. WTF? I went to the bathroom, got back into bed and fell back asleep. As soon as it was a reasonable hour I called his house. His roommate answered - Me: Where's T.S.? His Roommate: I don't know how to tell you this, but T.S. is in the hospital. He got run over by a truck last night on a cigarrette run to the store. Me: What time was that? His roommate: It was late, like 4:30 am.
So after a few times of stuff like this happening, I just figured we were extra connected like some people are. He felt it too. In 1991 I graduated and went off to college. We broke up the summer before I left for school. In the middle of the school year a guy I was dating went psycho and held a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me. After T.S. found out we got back together. He came up to school to see me and in the summer of 1992 he asked me to marry him.
T.S. came from an abusive household. His father would beat him and belittle him and while T.S. was no angel, he wasn't a bad kid. Because of this abuse T.S. had his own demons. He smoked weed, he drank and he had a short fuse. I always knew he loved me but he would break up with me because he thought he would ruin my life. He never verbally abused me, he never physically abused me, he never mentally abused me - but he did push me away many, many times.
During the summer we got engaged we started making plans. He was going to join the service and as soon as he got out of boot camp I would come to wherever he was going to be stationed. He would be in the service and I could go back to college wherever we were going to be. We were going to have a November wedding and a few kids a few years later. I was so happy we finally got to a place where we could be together and I could love his past hurt and pain away. He was supposed to ship out October 15. About 2 weeks prior to that he broke up with me again. He was sorry, he just couldn't do it. He didn't want to ruin my life. I didn't understand then, but now I do. T.S. was wise beyond his years. I gave him an ultimatum. He didn't follow through.
I still have the love notes from high school and I still know exactly where they are. I saw him about 8 years ago. But that's another story for another day.....
Wednesday, October 8, 2008
Attention Deficit
I find myself lost in thought a lot lately mulling over a few different situations that are going on. I was going to write about a few of them today, but I decided to save some for another post.. Here's the first of the many issues I have on my mind:
Child Support Issues / Court Date
Because my son turned 12 this year the day care expenses of my child support dropped off. That's about $50 a week or $200 a month. Unfortunately, because my son goes to a school outside of our district (a charter school), he has no way to get home after school (no busses) and so I still have to pay after-school care. So basically my expenses don't change but I lose $200 a month at a time when like everyone else, I'm already struggling to save money.
Since it's been a few years since our original court appearance I requested a review of our order. The court came back with a reasonable increase but based it on me having our son 290 overnights per year and his dad (I use that term loosly) having him 75 overnights per year. Uh. His dad has NEVER had him overnight except when we were together and I was always there. So now we have to go back to court so I can argue my point. His dad has no visitation rights (never asked for them), so I'm not sure if this is something new the court is doing or what.
I mean, If he is willing to start taking him every other weekend and for a few weeks in the summer - then I'm good with the child support increase as is, otherwise they need to adjust it. I am also going to ask for 50% reimbursement of any day-care expenses that I have. I think that's fair for him to only pay for half of what I actually pay.
Even though I am nervous about having to go to court again, it's not the actual court process that has my thoughts racing. I don't mind going to court, most of the time I get asked for my business card because people think I'm a lawyer. I'm usually in a suit, carrying my attache case and have all of my points outlined and documents prepared. He on the other hand usually comes in wearing his latest Enyce or Sean John looking like he's ready to hang with the fellas. Classy.
What I am more nervous about is his reactionary nature. While he is usually a cool-customer messing with his money gets him angrier than anything else. I've managed to get through the last 12 years unscathed, but I always wonder if he will get mad or desperate enough one day to just say fcuk it and go off. Guess we'll see!
I never back down to a bully, the only people that scare me are the quiet ones.
Child Support Issues / Court Date
Because my son turned 12 this year the day care expenses of my child support dropped off. That's about $50 a week or $200 a month. Unfortunately, because my son goes to a school outside of our district (a charter school), he has no way to get home after school (no busses) and so I still have to pay after-school care. So basically my expenses don't change but I lose $200 a month at a time when like everyone else, I'm already struggling to save money.
Since it's been a few years since our original court appearance I requested a review of our order. The court came back with a reasonable increase but based it on me having our son 290 overnights per year and his dad (I use that term loosly) having him 75 overnights per year. Uh. His dad has NEVER had him overnight except when we were together and I was always there. So now we have to go back to court so I can argue my point. His dad has no visitation rights (never asked for them), so I'm not sure if this is something new the court is doing or what.
I mean, If he is willing to start taking him every other weekend and for a few weeks in the summer - then I'm good with the child support increase as is, otherwise they need to adjust it. I am also going to ask for 50% reimbursement of any day-care expenses that I have. I think that's fair for him to only pay for half of what I actually pay.
Even though I am nervous about having to go to court again, it's not the actual court process that has my thoughts racing. I don't mind going to court, most of the time I get asked for my business card because people think I'm a lawyer. I'm usually in a suit, carrying my attache case and have all of my points outlined and documents prepared. He on the other hand usually comes in wearing his latest Enyce or Sean John looking like he's ready to hang with the fellas. Classy.
What I am more nervous about is his reactionary nature. While he is usually a cool-customer messing with his money gets him angrier than anything else. I've managed to get through the last 12 years unscathed, but I always wonder if he will get mad or desperate enough one day to just say fcuk it and go off. Guess we'll see!
I never back down to a bully, the only people that scare me are the quiet ones.
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Tagged
I got tagged in an e-mail..I'll participate but I'm not passing it on. If you want to answer them, go for it!
60 things you didn't know about me until you read this...
1)What color is your toothbrush? Pink and White
2)What were you doing 45 minutes ago? Eating dinner and playing Mad Gab with my son
3)What is your favorite candy bar? Mounds
4)Have you ever been to a strip club? Yes, my friend told me I wouldn't so of course I did
5)What is the last thing you said aloud? Goodnight Peanut (to my son)
6)What is the best ice cream flavor? Eskimo Kisses (dark chocolate and coconut)
7)What was the last thing you had to drink? Water
8)What are you wearing right now? Jogging pants and a t-shirt
9)What was the last thing you ate? Acorn Squash
10)Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Nope, but I need to find something to wear for Friday night
11)When was the last time you ran? Today after work, 2 miles at the gym on the treadmill
12)Who was the last person to send you a text message? MS, who is now married, but still fantasizes about me in my high heels and thigh highs.
13)Do you take vitamins daily? Sometimes I take a multi and calcium. I try to get my vitamins in my food.
14) Do you go to church every Sunday? Nope... church is all of God's creation
15)Do you have a tan? Yep, it's the end of summer and I have flip flop tan lines on my feet
16)Do you like Chinese food over pizza? Not necessarily
17)Do you drink your soda with a straw? On the rare occassion that I drink soda, yes
18)What did your last text message say? "lol"
19)Are you someones best friend? No
20)What are you doing tomorrow? Work, school, workout, dinner, shower, bed
21)Where is your dad? He is at home, sitting in his easy chair
22)Look to your left, what do you see? The TV, an Eva Longoria commercial
23) What color is your watch? Silver and Gold with diamonds
24)Do you use chapstick? No, lipgloss
25)What is your birthstone? Citrine (November)
26)Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive through? Drive through
27)Do you have a dog? Yes, I have a pit bull
28)Last guy you talked on the phone with? The one I love
29)Last girl you talked on the phone with? My girl DZ
30)Any plans today? Laundry, TV, Book, Bed
31)Do you dye your hair? Color and highlights - sure do
32)Biggest annoyance in your life right now? Not knowing when I am going to get my daughter
33)Can you say the alphabet backwards? Alphabet backwards
34)Do you have a maid service clean your house? lol, I wish
35)Are you jealous of anyone? I'm jealous of those who love more than I love, and who give more than I give.
36)Do you love anyone? I do
37)Do any of your friends have children? Yes - lots
38)Do you hate anyone that you know right now? These questions belong on myspace
39)Do you use the word hello daily? Yes
40)Do you like cats? Um sure - but I'm allergic
41)Have you ever been to Six Flags? Yes
42)How did you get your worst scar? Surgical breast biopsy - August 2006
43)How old was your mom when you were born? 23
44)What is your favorite smell? Pink grapefruit
45)What was the last dvd you watched? First Sunday
46)Do you like sudoku? What's that?
47)Have you ever been to Disney World? Yes, I went as a kid and I took my son last Nov.
48)What is your favorite number? 13
49)Do you toast your Pop Tarts? No and I only like the edges, I throw away the middle
50) Have you ever waited tables? For one weekend
51)Do you vote? Yes Obama/Biden 08
52)Do you believe in reincarnation? Yes
53)What is your zodiac sign? Scorpio
54)Do you work out? Yes and I think I am going to be sore tomorrow
55)Are you/do you want to be married? I want to marry the one I love
56)Do you remember the "Pepsi wave"? No
57)Do you like clowns? Indifferent
58)What is your favorite animal(s)? No favorites
59)Do you have/want children? Have a son age 12, trying to adopt a daughter - age unknown, would love to get married and have one more.
60)Do you enjoy wasting time on random tags? It gives me something to post without really trying
60 things you didn't know about me until you read this...
1)What color is your toothbrush? Pink and White
2)What were you doing 45 minutes ago? Eating dinner and playing Mad Gab with my son
3)What is your favorite candy bar? Mounds
4)Have you ever been to a strip club? Yes, my friend told me I wouldn't so of course I did
5)What is the last thing you said aloud? Goodnight Peanut (to my son)
6)What is the best ice cream flavor? Eskimo Kisses (dark chocolate and coconut)
7)What was the last thing you had to drink? Water
8)What are you wearing right now? Jogging pants and a t-shirt
9)What was the last thing you ate? Acorn Squash
10)Have you bought any new clothing items this week? Nope, but I need to find something to wear for Friday night
11)When was the last time you ran? Today after work, 2 miles at the gym on the treadmill
12)Who was the last person to send you a text message? MS, who is now married, but still fantasizes about me in my high heels and thigh highs.
13)Do you take vitamins daily? Sometimes I take a multi and calcium. I try to get my vitamins in my food.
14) Do you go to church every Sunday? Nope... church is all of God's creation
15)Do you have a tan? Yep, it's the end of summer and I have flip flop tan lines on my feet
16)Do you like Chinese food over pizza? Not necessarily
17)Do you drink your soda with a straw? On the rare occassion that I drink soda, yes
18)What did your last text message say? "lol"
19)Are you someones best friend? No
20)What are you doing tomorrow? Work, school, workout, dinner, shower, bed
21)Where is your dad? He is at home, sitting in his easy chair
22)Look to your left, what do you see? The TV, an Eva Longoria commercial
23) What color is your watch? Silver and Gold with diamonds
24)Do you use chapstick? No, lipgloss
25)What is your birthstone? Citrine (November)
26)Do you go in at a fast food place or just hit the drive through? Drive through
27)Do you have a dog? Yes, I have a pit bull
28)Last guy you talked on the phone with? The one I love
29)Last girl you talked on the phone with? My girl DZ
30)Any plans today? Laundry, TV, Book, Bed
31)Do you dye your hair? Color and highlights - sure do
32)Biggest annoyance in your life right now? Not knowing when I am going to get my daughter
33)Can you say the alphabet backwards? Alphabet backwards
34)Do you have a maid service clean your house? lol, I wish
35)Are you jealous of anyone? I'm jealous of those who love more than I love, and who give more than I give.
36)Do you love anyone? I do
37)Do any of your friends have children? Yes - lots
38)Do you hate anyone that you know right now? These questions belong on myspace
39)Do you use the word hello daily? Yes
40)Do you like cats? Um sure - but I'm allergic
41)Have you ever been to Six Flags? Yes
42)How did you get your worst scar? Surgical breast biopsy - August 2006
43)How old was your mom when you were born? 23
44)What is your favorite smell? Pink grapefruit
45)What was the last dvd you watched? First Sunday
46)Do you like sudoku? What's that?
47)Have you ever been to Disney World? Yes, I went as a kid and I took my son last Nov.
48)What is your favorite number? 13
49)Do you toast your Pop Tarts? No and I only like the edges, I throw away the middle
50) Have you ever waited tables? For one weekend
51)Do you vote? Yes Obama/Biden 08
52)Do you believe in reincarnation? Yes
53)What is your zodiac sign? Scorpio
54)Do you work out? Yes and I think I am going to be sore tomorrow
55)Are you/do you want to be married? I want to marry the one I love
56)Do you remember the "Pepsi wave"? No
57)Do you like clowns? Indifferent
58)What is your favorite animal(s)? No favorites
59)Do you have/want children? Have a son age 12, trying to adopt a daughter - age unknown, would love to get married and have one more.
60)Do you enjoy wasting time on random tags? It gives me something to post without really trying
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