First Love

In 1987 I met and dated my first love T.S.  - At first T.S. wouldn't give me the time of day. He was one of my brothers friends and I knew I loved him the first minute that I saw him, even though at the time I was cussing him out for smoking weed with my brother in the garage. I had it bad for T.S.  - I made sure to pass his locker a few times a day. Would go out of my way and be late for my own class just to try and see him in the hallway. To him I was just his friends little sister. To me, he was "the one." After stalking him for a while and getting nowhere I decided to do the next best thing - I ignored him.

No more walking past him on the way to class, no more passing by his locker, no more trying to see him during my day. As much as I tried to see him before, I went out of my way to avoid him now. I wanted him to believe that I was no longer interested and could really care less. Apparently that got him to think I was the greatest thing ever because suddenly the tables were turned and he was the one after me. 

We shared a locker, he wrote me love notes, we got caught making out in the Audio/Visual room. We shared secrets, hopes and dreams. We broke up and got back together a hundred times. And we also shared a psychic connection. One summer after not speaking to him for a while my friends and I were just driving around bored. We were almost home and I decided to turn around and go drive by his house.  

Quick sidebar: 1. he was already graduated and had a house with friends. 2. Gas was $.97 per gallon, and yes, I know I am old.

So anyway - As I was driving by his house I could see that the TV was on, but I didn't know if he was awake or perhaps had a girlfriend that was over so I just kept driving. It was late, almost Midnight. I stayed the night at my girls house that night and went home the next afternoon. When I got home there was a message on my answering machine. "Hey it's T.S., It's about Midnight and I know it's late, but I was just thinking about you and wanted you to know. Give me a call when you can."

Now I know you all are thinkin' he saw her drive by. #1, it was late and #2, I had a different car than he had ever seen. With all the people I had with me, he would have never seen me on the drivers side because his house was on the passenger side of the street. 

There was another time when again, I hadn't talked to him in a minute - I was asleep and I woke up and sat straight up in bed. I looked at the clock - it was 4:45 am and he came to mind. WTF? I went to the bathroom, got back into bed and fell back asleep. As soon as it was a reasonable hour I called his house. His roommate answered - Me: Where's T.S.? His Roommate: I don't know how to tell you this, but T.S. is in the hospital. He got run over by a truck last night on a cigarrette run to the store. Me: What time was that? His roommate: It was late, like 4:30 am.

So after a few times of stuff like this happening, I just figured we were extra connected like some people are. He felt it too. In 1991 I graduated and went off to college. We broke up the summer before I left for school. In the middle of the school year a guy I was dating went psycho and held a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me. After T.S. found out we got back together. He came up to school to see me and in the summer of 1992 he asked me to marry him.

T.S. came from an abusive household. His father would beat him and belittle him and while T.S. was no angel, he wasn't a bad kid. Because of this abuse T.S. had his own demons. He smoked weed, he drank and he had a short fuse. I always knew he loved me but he would break up with me because he thought he would ruin my life. He never verbally abused me, he never physically abused me, he never mentally abused me - but he did push me away many, many times.

During the summer we got engaged we started making plans. He was going to join the service and as soon as he got out of boot camp I would come to wherever he was going to be stationed. He would be in the service and I could go back to college wherever we were going to be. We were going to have a November wedding and a few kids a few years later. I was so happy we finally got to a place where we could be together and I could love his past hurt and pain away. He was supposed to ship out October 15. About 2 weeks prior to that he broke up with me again. He was sorry, he just couldn't do it. He didn't want to ruin my life. I didn't understand then, but now I do. T.S. was wise beyond his years. I gave him an ultimatum. He didn't follow through.

I still have the love notes from high school and I still know exactly where they are. I saw him about 8 years ago. But that's another story for another day.....