Say What You Need To Say

Take all of your wasted honor. Every little past frustration. Take all of your so called problems, Better put 'em in quotations. Say what you need to say.

Walkin' like a one man army, Fightin' with the shadows in your head. Livin' up the same old moment Knowin' you'd be better off instead If you could only...Say what you need to say.

Have no fear for givin' in. Have no fear for giving over. You better know that in the end It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.

Even if your hands are shaking, And your faith is broken. Even as the eyes are closin', Do it with a heart wide open. Say what you need to say. Say what you need to, Say what you need to... Say what you need to say. - John Mayer from The Bucket List soundtrack

I have someone that I love. He doesn't know. We're friends, we're lovers, we're parents to different children with different lives and different homes. I loved him so much I walked away in January. He brought me back to him in June. I feel loved, honored, respected, challenged, engaged, admired.

He hasn't said the words. And neither have I.

"Say what you need to say. Say what you need to say." Every time I hear this song I want to call him and tell him. "I love you." Even if you don't love me back, even though I think you do. I love you. I love your fingers when they grab my hair in a passionate kiss. I love your attention to the little changes in my appearance. I love the father that you are to your children, the son that you are to your parents and the brother that you are to your sister. I love you for making tough decisions and taking risks. I love you because you are supportive, honest, caring and intellegent.

I love you because when we didn't speak for a while I missed you every day, and I am so glad to have you back in my life.

"Even if your hands are shaking, And your faith is broken. Even as the eyes are closin', Do it with a heart wide open. Say what you need to say."

If I knew today was the last day, I would tell him. If I knew this was my last minute, I would tell him. The next second isn't promised to me and yet I wait. And I love him. And I show him, not in the words that I say, but in the actions of my being. I hope he knows.

Out of the Blue

Dear Mr. and Mrs.,

Parenthood is defined as the state of being a parent; the position, function and standing of a parent; one that begets or brings forth offspring; a person who brings up and cares for another.

It comes with great responsibility, sacrifice and culpability. This is something that I have done, single-handily for the last 9 years without any type of contact, involvement or emotional support from either of you, despite my invitation for you to be a part of his life.

Recently, you indicated that although you have wanted over the years to be a part of my son's life, you were waiting for your son to “come around”. I guess in essence, you were waiting for your son to become a parent. So was I. And I’m still waiting. Yet, that didn’t stop me from BEING a parent. Why did it stop you from being grandparents?

Although some may commend your recent inquires and attempts to become involved in my son's life, make no mistake because it is the truth: Your sudden interest and involvement confuses me and my child. Neither he nor I understand your intentions and are suspect of your motives. What happened to make you suddenly change your position? What circumstance, illness or tragedy brought the sudden interest in getting to know someone you have ignored for 9 years?

At this point he is not really sure if he is interested meeting you, and I can’t say that I blame him. He is a very smart 9-year old. He understands that he has family that has never talked to him or taken the time to meet him. He understands that his father can see him, but chooses not to. That is a large burden for a young man to take on. It is something that he will carry with him for the rest of his life.

I would like to be a partner in making the best of this situation as I can. I would like to encourage a healthy relationship between all of us. I will not be excluded, I am his mother. If you really want to get to know him, it’s going to be through me, on my terms. It’s going to require a whole lot of forgiveness, the swallowing of some pride, a ton of effort and conviction. It may be successful, it may not.

If and when you are ready to put it all out on the table, meet me face to face, answer my questions and give me some indication that you are in this for the rest of your lives – then please give me a call. Until then, I would appreciate the letters to him be withheld. Despite the good intention, they are confusing to him because he doesn’t know you. He cannot possibly think of people he has never met as “grandparents”.