Cooking

I love to cook. I wish I had a bigger kitchen with a dishwasher so that cleanup after cooking was a little more convenient - but whatever.

I was perusing Darius T. Williams cooking blog here yesterday. He takes pictures during the cooking process and once his creations are plated to show the end result. I thought that was fun, so after I made dinner last night I took pictures.

My sister-in-law and brother were in town from NC, so my sister came over to have girls night with me. Botanas are a family favorite and my sister is allergic to wheat, gluten, flour, etc. so while planning our dinner I decided homemade Spicy Shrimp Botana and Mango Margaritas were the way to go. We diced, we chopped, we blended, we melted and the end result - a beautiful, bountiful, botana:







We also made some fresh salsa:

And some fabulous Mango Margaritas:

You'll notice my sister's was half gone before I could get the camera out!
We ended up drinking almost a 5th of Tequila in 2 pitchers of Margaritas... it might explain my resistance to getting up for work this morning.. lol.

Margarita anyone?

Bored

This blog is becoming more of an update rather than anything of substance. What should I write about? The next person that reads this blog - pick a topic or something you want to know and I will write about it. I'm still new to this and it takes some getting used to.

My son is at my mother's, my homework is done even though I still haven't received my book that I ordered 5 days ago (usually here overnight), I took a nap earlier so I'm not sleepy and so far I have no plans for the evening.

The one I love has his kids this week so spending time with him is out. We don't share personal time with kid time yet, although I have met his kids and he has met my son.

It's so infrequent that I have two minutes of down time that I'm not sure what to do with myself! Staying in my sweats in front of the TV is a definite option. All the interesting books in my house have been read and I don't read many books more than once. If I still had the "Secret Life of Bees" I would re-read that for the blogger bookclub. Maybe I will just go buy it so I can participate.

So last night I get a call from my (now married) ex-boyfriend. He was drunk as a skunk (something I have never seen or heard in the 4 years I have known him.) He called to tell me that I am one of the greatest people he has ever known. Something he has also told me while sober, lol. I sent him a text today to see how he was feeling... so far no response!

When was the last time you got or made a drunk-dial? Where you the dialer or the receiver?

WTF?

The older I get the stranger my sleep habits become. It's 6:11 am Saturday morning. I never get up this early - it's the weekend, so I for sure don't have to get up this morning. And here I am - wide awake.

So - I guess I will shower, do some laundry and maybe get started on those dishes I ignored last night.

TGIF

This week was a rush of work, football practices, a date with the one I love on Monday, a visit and dinner with my brother and sister-in-law who are in town from NC on Thursday and today we had a spaghetti dinner at school plus our homecoming football game. Whew!

When did life get so busy?

Now I'm sitting here listening to the presidential debate. I can't stand to listen to John McCain, I also can't stand to listen to his mistress...I mean VP.

People, we HAVE got to make sure that Obama gets into office!

10 Weeks 6 Days

It's been ten weeks and six days since my son has seen anyone on his dad's side of the family. His paternal grandfather drives by my house twice a day, every day, once on his way to work, and once on his way home. Despite my invitation to feel welcome to call, come by, or what have you, he still has not, does not.

My son's father moved back into town a month ago after living out of state for 2 years. Has he taken the time to see his child? Nope.

I feel sad for my son that his father doesn't get it.

I used to feel anger toward his family for barging into his life 3 years ago unannounced, uninvited, and just barely welcome. Then I loved his family because they endeared themselves to me and cared for my son and now I feel rejected by his family for being so passive about their involvement with my son.

Since his dad came back into his life 2 years ago they have retreated little by little. Back into oblivion. He might see them on holiday's - maybe. I think my son has seen them twice this year. Three times at most. They live 20 minutes away.

One part of me thinks - fuck them, their loss, they ignored that child for 9 years, shouldn't have expected it to last long. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.

One part of me thinks - How dare they come into his life, then walk away.

One part of me thinks - Have I done something wrong? Did I offend them away?

One part of me thinks - I should call them, have a grown up conversation, clear the air. Maybe they don't see.

What does it take to get your family to see that you need them? How does a 12 year old little boy tell his dad, I need you? He doesn't. He gets angry, he gets pissed, he shuts down. He says "I don't care" when I know he does.

My son used to ask me for a new daddy. "Momma, can you get married so I can have a new daddy, mine isn't very good." He stopped asking a few years ago, adolecence and detachment set in.

Sick & Tired

Woke up Friday morning with some nasty lucifer-invading-my-sinuses-throat-and-lungs thing. Still had to go to work Friday, still had to run around getting gifts and decorations for my dad's 60th birthday party on Saturday afternoon, still had to spend two and a half hours in the pouring rain under an umbrella watching my son play football Saturday evening. By ten pm last night, I felt like I was near utter exhaustion.

Today. Today I'm spending in my pajamas, on the couch, under the covers with the TV on and hot tea in hand.

Because tomorrow it's back to normal. Pray for me.

Say What You Need To Say

Take all of your wasted honor. Every little past frustration. Take all of your so called problems, Better put 'em in quotations. Say what you need to say.

Walkin' like a one man army, Fightin' with the shadows in your head. Livin' up the same old moment Knowin' you'd be better off instead If you could only...Say what you need to say.

Have no fear for givin' in. Have no fear for giving over. You better know that in the end It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.

Even if your hands are shaking, And your faith is broken. Even as the eyes are closin', Do it with a heart wide open. Say what you need to say. Say what you need to, Say what you need to... Say what you need to say. - John Mayer from The Bucket List soundtrack

I have someone that I love. He doesn't know. We're friends, we're lovers, we're parents to different children with different lives and different homes. I loved him so much I walked away in January. He brought me back to him in June. I feel loved, honored, respected, challenged, engaged, admired.

He hasn't said the words. And neither have I.

"Say what you need to say. Say what you need to say." Every time I hear this song I want to call him and tell him. "I love you." Even if you don't love me back, even though I think you do. I love you. I love your fingers when they grab my hair in a passionate kiss. I love your attention to the little changes in my appearance. I love the father that you are to your children, the son that you are to your parents and the brother that you are to your sister. I love you for making tough decisions and taking risks. I love you because you are supportive, honest, caring and intellegent.

I love you because when we didn't speak for a while I missed you every day, and I am so glad to have you back in my life.

"Even if your hands are shaking, And your faith is broken. Even as the eyes are closin', Do it with a heart wide open. Say what you need to say."

If I knew today was the last day, I would tell him. If I knew this was my last minute, I would tell him. The next second isn't promised to me and yet I wait. And I love him. And I show him, not in the words that I say, but in the actions of my being. I hope he knows.

What does it take?

I have a scheduling conflict. My son has his homecoming football game the same day as my cousin's wedding. I give my son the option of skipping the game or skipping the wedding since it doesn't seem likely that we can fit both in. Illogically...because I know better, I call his father.

Me: I have a wedding next month on Saturday and our son has his homecoming game, can you take him.

Him: No, I don't know if I'm going to have to work or not.

Me: So even with a month's notice, you can't commit to making sure you have the day off to take him to his game?

Him: No.

End of conversation.

I call a male friend...

Me: Hi friend, I have a wedding next month on Saturday and my son has his homecoming game, can you take him?

Friend: Absolutely, I will check my work schedule and if I have to work I will switch with someone or take the day off.

So why is it that my friend, who is of no relation to my son, who is not trying to get in my pants, who just loves me for me is more willing to do for my child than his own father? What does it take to get a man to be a man? Do what you're supposed to do. Handle your business.

At what point do your children become more important that your job? At what point do you say - I might be making money to support my kids, but that's all they are getting. They're not getting my time, they're not getting my attention, they're not learning from me, they're not experiencing my love. But hey. The bills get paid.

I work full time, I go to school part time, I own a house, I own a dog, I work out, I raise a young man by myself which includes taking him to school & football or basketball or cross country or soccer 5 to 6 days a week, making sure his clothes, sports equipment and his behind are washed, his homework is done, he has uniforms ready for school, he has lunch or lunch money ready to go, the permission slips, physical papers, school forms are signed, the house is clean & smells good, the dog is walked, gas is in the car, the lawn is mowed, the plants are watered, dinner is made, I do my own homework, I check in on my friends and family AND still find the time for an occassional date..... and you? Well you don't do any of those things. But hey. You go to work. Now that's a great dad.

Monday again....

It's Monday again. An elderly friend of the family passed away over the weekend. The world lost a good man, but he had a good life. We'll be supporting the family at funeral events over the next few days, and I think I will order some flowers today. I was thinking Calla Lillies, but I don't know if they are in season. Why do we order flowers for the dead more than for the living? I want all my flowers while I'm alive thank you very much. I don't want a funeral anyway. Nor do I want to be buried. Not that cremation sounds pleasant, but a better option for me.

What about you? Horse & carriage? Big to-do? Burial? Funeral? Cremation?

I need to get a move on for work - Peace, love and may you and your loved ones have a blessed day.

UPDATE: I looked online at flowers, most arrangements were $100 or more, so I went during lunch to a local florist. They had ordered dozens of white roses for a wedding and had some left over. He promised me all he had left (20 or more) in a nice bouquet with a vase for $45. Beautiful!

I'm Yours

the hand that envelopes the entirety of my cheek, the strength in your fingertips.

touch me, I'm yours.

the soft kiss like silk across my lips.

seduce me, I'm yours.

the warmth of your breath lingering, tingling on my neck.

tease me, I'm yours.

the sparkle of your eye like a secret waiting to be told.

sold, I'm yours.

the weight of your love as we dance together.

hold fast to me, I'm yours.

the promise unmade in the air, spoke often in dreams.

together forever, I'm yours.

Why? Because.

Because I think your smile is like light, because your warm hands heat my soul, because of the strength of your character, because we laugh together, because we talk for hours and hours on the phone and never run out of things to say, because we share the same morals and beliefs, because we share our lives everyday, because we are comfortable, because you are the sexiest man to me, because you are a gentleman, because you are my friend, because of the way you love me, because you are a leader, because you have vision, because you have passion, because you love pj’s and cartoons on Saturday mornings, because you are an undeniable chocoholic, because you live, because of the way your arms wrap around me, because when I hold you close to me, there is no other place that I want to be, because of the far away look you get when you are thinking about things, because your mind is beautiful, because you have a fun sense of humor, because I would follow you anywhere, because you would do anything for the people you care about, because you are a helper, because you surround yourself with good people, because I know you, because the hair on your stomach is so soft, because you are stubborn, because you are polite, because you are silly, because you understand, because you work hard, because you play hard, because you have honor, because you understand candlelight and a soft cd, because you know what “simple” means, because the little things are never an issue, because even the smallest dreams mean something, because you don’t have to understand the words to get the feeling, because you have courage, because you have felt loss, because you care for your body, because you know how to relax and enjoy, because you are accepting, because you don’t place blame, because your spirit is wise, because there is no selfishness, because there is caring, because there is thankfulness, because you think of me during your day, because even when we are apart, we’re not, because there is no fear, because being through the worst with you is better than the best alone, because there are moments when I feel you, even though you are not there, because my love is better for having you in my life, for these reasons and more, I love you.

Out of the Blue

Dear Mr. and Mrs.,

Parenthood is defined as the state of being a parent; the position, function and standing of a parent; one that begets or brings forth offspring; a person who brings up and cares for another.

It comes with great responsibility, sacrifice and culpability. This is something that I have done, single-handily for the last 9 years without any type of contact, involvement or emotional support from either of you, despite my invitation for you to be a part of his life.

Recently, you indicated that although you have wanted over the years to be a part of my son's life, you were waiting for your son to “come around”. I guess in essence, you were waiting for your son to become a parent. So was I. And I’m still waiting. Yet, that didn’t stop me from BEING a parent. Why did it stop you from being grandparents?

Although some may commend your recent inquires and attempts to become involved in my son's life, make no mistake because it is the truth: Your sudden interest and involvement confuses me and my child. Neither he nor I understand your intentions and are suspect of your motives. What happened to make you suddenly change your position? What circumstance, illness or tragedy brought the sudden interest in getting to know someone you have ignored for 9 years?

At this point he is not really sure if he is interested meeting you, and I can’t say that I blame him. He is a very smart 9-year old. He understands that he has family that has never talked to him or taken the time to meet him. He understands that his father can see him, but chooses not to. That is a large burden for a young man to take on. It is something that he will carry with him for the rest of his life.

I would like to be a partner in making the best of this situation as I can. I would like to encourage a healthy relationship between all of us. I will not be excluded, I am his mother. If you really want to get to know him, it’s going to be through me, on my terms. It’s going to require a whole lot of forgiveness, the swallowing of some pride, a ton of effort and conviction. It may be successful, it may not.

If and when you are ready to put it all out on the table, meet me face to face, answer my questions and give me some indication that you are in this for the rest of your lives – then please give me a call. Until then, I would appreciate the letters to him be withheld. Despite the good intention, they are confusing to him because he doesn’t know you. He cannot possibly think of people he has never met as “grandparents”.