Frustration

Sometimes I get so frustrated with my love life.

2 months ago, the one I love and I had a conversation about "where this is going." He said "I'm almost ready to take it to the next level, commit, have an official girlfriend, start having our kids around each other, etc." Great, me too. I was so excited and scared of the prospect of a real relationship. Happy to finally have the kids together, thinking about all the things that we could do and how much more time we would have. Since he has his kids every other week, the weeks he has them we don't see each other at all.

I thought things would naturally progress from there... Yet a whole month went by, 2 of 2 dates were cancelled and I was becoming increasingly frustrated.

About a month after our talk, I finally got him on the phone on a Sunday afternoon. I told him how I felt about not seeing him for a month. I wanted to know what was going on? I thought we were taking it to the next level and now I haven't seen you for a month. I have all the patience in the world so long as we're on the same page, but if we're not - If I'm not what you want and who you want to be with then you need to let me know. I've never asked any man to be somewhere he didn't want to be.

I finally told him I love him, and I told him we have known each other long enough that he should know whether or not he sees me in a place of importance in his life. You should already know if you can see me as your girlfriend. You should already know if you can see me as your wife. You should already know. And if you can't see me in that role, then you need to let me go. Two hours later, he said he wasn't ready to fully commit to a relationship, but he might be ready soon, he isn't sure, he's got some things he needs to work on. He said he thought we should "table" our relationship. Really? That's what you want to do? A month ago you were ready to take it to the next level and now you're not?

When a man tells me he isn't ready for a relationship I hear "You're not the one". This change of heart instantly had me thinking there was another woman on the scene. Of course I asked, of course he said no.

When I am with this man, I feel his love for me, so not for one minute did I believe that he really wanted to end it.. but, since I didn't know what was really going on, I figured what the hell, let me find out for sure.

So I asked him if he would be willing to tell me to my face that he wanted to table the relationship. 3 days later we met at Panera Bread over coffee.. We talked about everything else but what we were there to talk about. On the way out he helped me with my coat and walked me to my car. He looked at me, kissed my forehead, hugged me, kissed my forehead again, said "I'll talk to you soon" and started walking away.

I was like, wait - wasn't there a purpose for this meeting? He smiled and said "yeah, so I could see you" I said - That's it? He said "yeah, that's it" I said - You're sure? He said "yeah, I'll talk to you soon" - Uh huh.. ok.

I waited about 30 minutes and called him - "So..." I said. He said, "I think we should talk about it some more." I said, so you don't want to table it? He said, "no." Ok, we can talk about it some more.

That was about 3 weeks ago or so. We've talked regularly on the phone since then. Sometimes for a while, sometimes just for a quick minute. We made plans to get together last night. I went to his place where we talked and had a few beers. I had a party I needed to show my face at, but with him was where I really wanted to be. I had to leave to go to the party (he wouldn't go with me... what is up with that? I'll save that for another day). I returned to him an hour later where we had some more beer, talked and watched tv.

He fell asleep on the couch with his arms wrapped around me. I started playing with his nipples and rubbing his head. He was like "woman, stop that" lol. He got up, said he needed to go to bed so he could get up early for church. I thought he was going to send me on my way, but he flipped the script on me and said, let me get you a t-shirt to sleep in.

We undressed in the dark - he usually undresses me in a passionate frenzy, but this time he was keeping his distance. He tossed me a t-shirt, I took off my jeans revealing a black thong. He was like, hold up! Flipped the light on real quick to get a better look and then shut the light off.. lol.

I finished undressing, put his t-shirt on and got in the bed. I spooned my back-side to his front side and he teased me telling me to stay on my side of the bed. Two can play that game... I scooted over to my side and layed on my stomach giving him the dark silouette of my ample rear under the covers.

It wasn't long before his hands were all over me and his tounge was tracing across my ears and neck. He had me melting into the bed with his lips and tounge and hands.

We slept for a few hours until it was time for him to get up for church and me to get home. "Call me so I know you made it home ok" he said.

I'm frustrated with us. I'm frustrated that he won't commit. I'm frustrated that I'm 35 and I feel like it's never going to happen for me. I'm frustrated that I feel like my life is incomplete without a partner to share it with. I'm frustrated that my life is passing me by, day by day, year by year and I can't ever get past the "potential girlfriend or girlfriend" stage.

I'm afraid that I'm going to end up alone. No more kids, no husband, no lover who really knows me inside and out. No family to call my own. No one to come home to, to hold me, to love me. I'm frustrated that I know our chances of working out are slim based on his current behavior, but that I still believe it can.

I love this man. I just don't know if I should let go or keep chasing pavement.

Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas and happy Thursday! My son woke me up at 7 am (yawn.) He used to never wake up early on Christmas morning. When he was little, I used to have to wake him up!

My son didn't really ask for anything this year. He has everything he needs and most things he wants. So here's what he got from me (a.k.a Santa):

iLuv Stereo/ipod docking system with sub woofer

ipod car charger

ipod wall charger

itunes gift card $15

Nike cold weather compression leggings/pants

Leather belt with removable buckle (he's really into belt buckles this year)

We had a great Christmas morning and will be running around all day :) Merry Christmas blogger family, I hope you have a super day!

Wordless Wednesday

10 random things about me

Same rules as all the other tags: Link back to the person who tagged you. He refused to tag, so I self-tagged. Forgive me, I had nothing else to say today.

Answer the questions Tag 7 other bloggers (it's always 7, people need to be more creative) Let them know in the comments they were tagged. (we know I'm not tagging anyone right? tag yourself if you want to)

10 random things about me:

I used to paint, sculpt and draw

My right ring finger is double jointed

I've never been off the continent

I have 1 tattoo

I have a piercing below my navel and above my knees

I hate sleeping with socks on

I envy muscular women

I wear mens boxer briefs

I wish they made them in cotton without the boy-hole

I want to own an art gallery

9 ways to win my heart:

Smarts (don't believe everything you hear, go find out for yourself. Intellegence is sexy)

Affection (Wrap your arms around me, kiss my forehead, hold my hand)

Responsible (Do what you need to do when you need to do it)

Fun (Make me laugh and let me tell my corny jokes)

Humble (Know that you might be the world to me, but the world doesn't revolve around you)

Great teeth (A great smile is worth a thousand words)

Giving (Show me that you love me and others in your life. Give of your time, give your attention, give your love)

Sexy (Know how and when to step it up a notch)

Hard-working (Put in work and reap the rewards)


8 things I want to do before I die:

Learn how to carry a tune

Travel the world

Design my own handbags and shoes

Sell one of my paintings

Find and marry my life partner

Have a daughter

Be a philanthropist

Learn to play the guitar/ukulele


7 ways to annoy me:

Being late

Being disrepectful

Being a bad parent

Placing blame on others

Expect others to handle your business

Not following through

Being stupid (in all it's forms)

6 things I believe in:

My son

Love

Karma

Positive energy

Acupuncture

Cleanliness

5 things I am afraid of:

Losing control

Not being loved

My son being harmed

Success

Failure

4 of my favorite things:

Flannel sheets

Fresh lavender

Chai Tea

Dark chocolate


3 things I do daily:

Kiss my son

Pray

Worry


2 things I want to do within the hour:

Relax

Read more blogs of my favorite folks

1 person I want to see right now:

The one I love

Snow Day!

All the schools are closed, the snow is up past my back door. The steps up my front porch no longer have any definition, they just look like a big mound of snow.

I'm working from home today, lucky to have the ability to log into e-mail and take care of just about everything from the comfort of my couch.

I'll take pictures when the snow stops, hope you are safe and warm wherever you are today!

The Lover

The sing-song ring tone went off in her purse. What does he want?, she wondered to herself. Hello? I'm out shopping. No, I'm not buying anything for you.

Laughing along with his unusually playful mood she realizes he's flirting with her again. "Can I see you later?" he asks. Yes, she replies, you can see me when you pick up our son for the party. "No, after that", he says.

He enters the house smelling like cologne and pipe tobacco. He likes those little cigars, the Black and Mild Vanilla. She really wishes he would quit smoking them. Better than cigarettes, she thinks to herself. He walks into the kitchen muttering something about "his kind of beer" and "who's this in this picture on the fridge?"

She walks into the small kitchen only to realize it's a trap. He just wanted her to be close to him. He points out people in pictures he has seen 10 times. "Who's that? Who's this?" He didn't really care. He just needed and wanted her in his space.

He moved so that he brushed up against her causing her skin to pucker into ten thousand little bumps. Uncontrollable. She walked away knowing he was looking at her ass in her yoga pants the whole time.

Is it cold in here? She wondered aloud. Come here, he said, "I'll warm you up" as he opened his winter coat to welcome her inside. He rarely shows this kind of affection she thinks to herself as she allows him to envelope her into his embrace. It's warm in here.

He starts to move her slowly backward into her bedroom. She resists but she's no match for him. He can easily lift her off the floor and put her exactly where he wants her. She continues to resist even though she knows it's futile. Damn him.

In the bedroom, the lights are off and he pushes her gently toward the bed. Warm lips touch her face, her neck, her lips. "Give me some sugar" he whispers. No. She keeps her lips pressed together refusing to kiss him back.

His weight on her is heavy. They are fully dressed, he even has on his winter coat and hat. But still, the position is intimate, familiar, comforting. He grabs her hair and pulls back hard exposing her neck. Her weakness.

"Kiss me!", he demands. No. She shakes her head, but dares not open her lips.

He ravages her neck, sucking gently across the surface, stroking with his tounge and lips near her collarbone and up around the base of her hairline. With every breath and every stroke she can feel the familiarity returning. Yin and Yang in life, in love, in sync, together forever.

"Do you miss me?", he asks. No. "Tell me the truth." No. "Look me in my eye and tell me you don't miss me." I don't miss you. "You swear?" his voice cracking just a little giving away his emotion like a secret note being passed in school, hoping no one would notice. She couldn't answer.

"Kiss me" he insisted as he ravaged her neck some more, his hands gently tugging and pulling her hair and neck this way and that, opening her for his pleasure, knowing it's the way to her heart and fire.

She couldn't resist. Her teeth caught his bottom lip as he was whispering kisses and love into her soul. Her toungue gathered his energy and returned it to him, sucking gently, licking, flicking, playfully stealing his breath and words from his mouth.

He sighed deeply as he felt her love pass through him. No more words were spoken as he embraced her, wrapped her in his arms, loved her in the moment, knowing that she loved him back. This one, the lover, she's all his. He pulled her out and away from the others. They can have her back tomorrow.

I Adopted A Girl!!!

Ok, not for forever, just for Christmas!

So after feeling lousy about the season and like there was more I needed to be doing this holiday, I contacted an organization in my community that I thought I could help. They service over a thousand families and organize the adopt-a-family for Christmas program. They had all of their families accounted for and then got word that one more family needed help.

I sent an e-mail yesterday, and within 10 minutes "Bob" was calling my desk to talk to me about this family. There are 3 kids, 2 boys and a girl who were just adopted by their grandparents. Since this family didn't have sponsors for Christmas, the administration team decided that they would adopt this famiy of 5. "Bob" invited me to join the administration team in sponsoring this family and I happily accepted!

In my e-mail to "Bob" I mentioned that while I would be willing to sponsor any family, one with a little girl would be especially nice for me since I have been buying boy-stuff for 13 years. Just my luck (or God's hands at work) this family includes a 4 year old little girl, and they are letting me buy just for her - Yay!

I went online today and bought her a red coat with a fuzzy hood, 2 pair of pants, 2 shirts, a micro-fleece 1/2 zip coat, a hat and mittens. I still need to get some socks, boots, a toy and a book or two or three (you can never have too many books!)

Guess what - IT'S CHRISTMAS! And I'm excited!

For any of you feeling the way I did the other day - go find something, anything to give. It's made a HUGE difference in my mental state and it's bringing my heart alive.

Christmas Blues

We're just 2 weeks away from Christmas and I have yet to feel the spirit of the holiday. So many people are in a hard place this year and for most of us, the saying "charity begins at home" has never been more true.

Many who give to the local food bank now depend on that same food bank to eat. Those who previously gave their gently used clothes to the salvation army might now need to shop there for their own children.

I have two friends who are out of work, one who got his car stolen and lost his job in the same week. The other has been out of a job for months, in fact, I think she has been out of a job since Spring. Thankfully, both of them have good families that will stand by them and help them out. And I know that if I ended up in a similar place, my family would help me out.

Every year at work we adopt a few needy families for Christmas. I always ask for the youngest little girl so I can go buy girly stuff (13 years of boy-stuff will do that to you!) Like many companies this year, we cancelled our Christmas party, asked managers not to take their staff out to lunch or dinner on the company's dime and... we also didn't find any needy families to serve.

How I feel right now is how I have felt in other situations and the best way I can explain it is to use the title of a book (that I still have yet to read) by Marian Wright Edelman: "Sea Is So Wide and My Boat Is So Small".

I feel like a little ship in an ocean so wide where the need is so great. The greatest gift we can give, is the gift of our time and our service to others. I know that when I find a way to serve someone else, the Christmas spirit will come alive in me.

The Whore, The Lady and The Lover

The whore likes the games and the sexual desire always brimming on the surface. She wants to win by losing the game and end up bent over the couch with a hot stiff dick in her pussy or on her knees with a big cock between her lips. She's always there, watching, noticing subtle hints of arousal, a smile, a glance, a light brush of a hand. When he pulls her hair or pushes her up against the wall, it's everything she can do to keep the juices from running down her leg. Damn, he knows her too well.

The lady is the smart one. She is wise, reflective, knows when enough is enough and gives the best advice. She works hard so that she is dependent on no one, even though she knows that she would like someone to share her life with and love. She pays the bills, takes care of the house, makes sure everything is taken care of. She also knows better than to get involved with him again. He loves her, desires her, but he can't commit and his attention never lasts. So she tolerates him for the sake of the greater good, then puts him in his place and keeps it movin'.

The lover thinks only in memories and feelings. Her love is strong, fierce, unwavering, committed and permanent. She remembers every word spoken in love, every touch, every good morning kiss, every link of emotion that ties her to him. He became a part of her and he cannot be relinquished. She yearns for him when she is feeling disconnected and lonely, she aches for the familiarity of his touch. His warm embrace completes her and makes her feel whole.

The lover knows that the lady is right most of the time. Love doesn't mean a thing with no action to back it up. Sometimes she just needs a new memory to refresh her, to know that the love was real once upon a time. She hates the whore. Where is the commitment? The love? The respect for herself in the morning? How can she just let him enter her body and possess her without love?

When it comes to him, the lady fights with both the lover and the whore. 15 years of his bullshit was more than enough for her to give up and move on. A few years ago she thought he changed. He was so sweet, so open, even happy. She should have known better, she listened to the lover and what happened? The same bullshit. She knows better than to listen to that sweet sugar the lover tries to whisper in her ear. And the whore, she got what she wanted too.

The whore is the worst of the three. God she is insatiable. Whenever he gets near her she starts sweating and dripping all over the place. Just the thought of him inside her has her telling the lady to go read a book and mind her business. And the lover, she reads too much into the most finite detail. The whore just wants to feel pleasure; no pain, no thought, no love.

It's peaceful when he stays away, but the three of them fight like crazy whenever he comes around. Last time, the lady won, she was feeling strong, determined, and couldn't be bothered with any of them. Now she's vulnerable, wounded, hurt, and broken hearted. Don't tell the lover or the whore. They're still licking their wounds from the last round, but if they had a chance, they would kick the lady's ass.

Wordless Wednesday

Slacker

I know, I know, I have been slacking on the blog - my bad.

Friday I played cards with my cousin and a bunch of other girls. We had a Euchre tournament - I didn't place, but I came close! Her friend lives about an hour away so I didn't get home till almost 3 am.

Saturday I shopped at Target, Meijer, and TJ Maxx. I picked up essentials at Target, Thankgiving dinner stuff at Meijer and a few pairs of jeans for my son at TJ Maxx. Then my son and I went to see Madagascar 2 - It was good, my favorite part is still the song that Moto-Moto sings. I like em chunky, I like em thick, "Girl, you so BIG!" ha ha ha ha ha - too funny.

Sunday we had breakfast with my dad, this is a family tradition that has been going on for more than 12 years. My dad, my son and I (plus extras when they are around like friends, girlfriends, boyfriends, etc.) meet every Sunday for breakfast at 9:30. I remember Sunday, January 1, 1999 we had 13 inches of snowfall. I was driving a Suzuki Esteem at that time. My dad called and said "you still want to go to breakfast?" I said, sure just come dig me out first - so he did!

We didn't do too much the rest of the day. A friend of mine stopped over and so did my mom. We ended up talking and having cocktails till about 8:30 - they left and I chilled. I think I was in the bed by 10:10.

I'm only working today and tomorrow this week. I need to take my son to the barber on Wednesday so he looks sharp for the holiday and then we have teeth cleaning appointments in the afternoon.

I'm cooking for my dad & his girlfriend (and anyone else who stops in) on Thursday. Since I am allergic to Turkey I am going to buy a spiral honey-baked ham, make some scalloped potatoes, dressing, gravy, salad, and green beans. My dad is baking an apple pie. Sweet potatoes don't agree with him, so I think I am going to skip those on the menu.

Friday we will be going to my Aunt's house for Thanksgiving again. Then off to the stores I go Friday morning. Target is one of my favorite spots for Black Friday. They always have really good movies for $3.

So blogger fam, where are you going or what are you cooking for Thanksgiving? Do you shop on Black Friday or do you hibernate in the house?

Wordless Wednesday

10 Days

I commented the following on Torrance's page, and liked it enough to make it my own post. So here it is again - 10 days that were important in my life or made a significant impact on who I am.



In chronological order:



1. Moving to a new city and new school at age 7 - traumatizing!



2. The day my mother came home from the hospital after her brain tumor surgery. Life would never be the same.



3. The day Barnabas Lekganyane came to my home. Powerful.



4. The day I almost drowned. Resurrected.



5. The day I was raped. Never completely recovered.



6. The day my son was born. Never knew love before.



7. The day I miscarried my second child. It still hurts.



8. The day fear took on a whole new meaning (9-11). Evil has no shame.



9. The day I could say with certainty that I was free from his mental grasp. It was a long time coming.



10. The day I fell in love again. So glad I was finally free.

Weekend Wrap Up

Friday night I went out with the girls for dinner and drinks. We were going to go dancing, but it was raining and cold outside so the bar scene was dead. Oh well, we still had fun!

On Saturday we had an indoor garage sale at my son's school... again, it was cold and raining outside so no one came out.. I sold 3 pairs of pants and a baseball cap. The one I love and I were supposed to go out to dinner for my birthday, but he had something important come up, so we had to cancel our plans. I decided to stay in and cook so I tried the Mac & Cheese recipe from DTW's food blog.

I greased my pan:

Then boiled my noodles:

I shredded 4 kinds of cheese:

Made a roux:

Added spices and cheese and created a pan of yummy goodness!

I found this recipe to be really, really good flavor-wise, but a little too greasy (versus creamy). Not sure if one of the cheeses was to blame? I think that a lower oil content cheese might be necessary to get the consistancy I prefer.

Then I made some fried/baked chicken. I breaded the chicken and browned both sides in some olive oil on the stove, then put the whole pan in the oven for 50 minutes. The chicken was so good!

I also made some sweet potatoes just because.

Here's the final plating DTW style (minus the cool triangle plates):

On Sunday we raked leaves just before it started to snow.

Then we went to the Charles H. Wright Museum of African American History so my mom could see the King Tutankhamun exhibit. She is facinated with King Tut and the exhibit was great but they won't let you take pictures so this is all I have to show you of our trip!

After the museum we went to a little restaurant where dill pickle soup is on the menu. My mom swore that it was great, so I gave it a try. It really was good, kind of tasted like cabbage soup. Here's a pic:

Even though I didn't get to see the one I love, it was still a good weekend. Hope you enjoyed yours!

Happy Birthday To Me

It's my birthday!! As of the 12th day of November, I will be 35 years, or 420 months, or 1820 weeks, or 12775 days old... that's as far as I go it was nerdy enough.. lol.

My mom and son took me out to The Melting Pot for an early birthday dinner. We had chedder cheese fondu with bread, veggies and my personal favorite, apples. Then we had a nice salad followed by fish, scallops and shrimp for me, steak & shrimp for my son, and vegetarian (artichokes, mushrooms, eggplant, red peppers, tofu, etc.) for my mom.

I got a "Love Martini" it was pink and had heart-shaped stawberries in it, yummy!

After all that - we still found room for dessert.. here's a look:

There were... strawberries, bananas, marshmallows, rice krispy treats, cheesecake, brownies, angel food cake and a cherry on top!

The Happy Birthday card was signed by everyone working at the restaurant that evening - so cute.

The chocolate thing on the right hand side was an oreo encrusted marshmallow. Who knew!?!

I brought some home:

Our pot of chocolate to dip in:

We had a really great server "Guy" and server's assistant "Tyrell". After dinner, Guy took us on a tour of the building/resturant. It was a great time, I had a great birthday dinner that will take weeks to burn off (lol) and I am so thankful for my wonderful family and many blessings.

Falling apart

I'm not eating right, I'm not excercising enough, I'm not sleeping enough. My head hurts, my stomach hurts, my skin looks like crap. I work full time, go to school part time, raise my son by myself and take care of a house.

As if that weren't enough, I lost about 45% of my monthly child support due to some FOC rule changes so I'm now looking for a part time job.

I already cancelled the home phone, stopped seeing the acupuncturist, switched the cable to economy basic ($15.99 per month), stopped paying extra on my mortgage, upped my deductions on my W4's and lowered my 401k contribution. I can pay my bills and buy gas & groceries but not much else.

Money might not make you happy, but it certainly affords you the ability to worry less. This weekend I spent from Friday evening to Sunday morning in the house primarly on the couch watching movies. Not in a depression, but definitely feeling BLAH.

Pray for me. I need it.

Fall = Apple Pie

Apple Pie is a family favorite and homemade crust is a must. My mom & I made some apple pies the other day - See for yourselves!

Jedi Mind Tricks

I went home for lunch today and passed a gas station near my house where gas is $1.96 per gallon!

$27.00 to fill up my truck - wow!

YES WE DID!!

I knew we could do it, and we did!

Congratulations President Obama!!!

Today is the day....

Voting, court, anxiety, nervousness, and excitement. Man this is going to be some day. I set my alarm to wake me an hour early so that I can be as prepared as possible for the day. I have court for child support at 11:30 today. I really wish that it was earlier in the day so we could go and get it over with and then have the rest of the day to go vote.

The earliest I can drop my son off at school is about 8:00 am, then it will take 15 or 20 minutes for me to get back to the place I vote. I have to be out of there by 10:30 to drive downtown for court and still have time to park and figure out where I need to be.

I guess if the lines are too long for that, I will go get some breakfast and wait until this afternoon to go vote. I'm not trying to stand in line for hours in high heels anyway.

I hope all of you who haven't voted already have fast moving lines today and good people to talk with while you are in line. We're in it to win it! Obama/Biden '08!!

Ok...I'm off to collect my thoughts and get ready for my day. Pray for me, I need it.

UPDATE: I dropped my son off, drove to the community center, pulled into the parking lot, walked in, filled out my ballot and walked out. Took all of 5 minutes - let's hope court goes as smoothly.

After all this stress, I think I might try and schedule a massage today... off to call "Maria the massuse"

A hurt so good

You know when you kiss for hours and your lips hurt and feel

slightly bruised and swollen from the pressure and intensity of desire.

My lips feel like that.

Only... not the ones attached to my face.

Lower.

Damn. It hurts so good.

Wow.

I'm sitting here watching the future President Obama's commercial with hope in my heart and tears running down my cheeks. 6 days folks. 6 days.

What is gender?

So I'm sitting here watching Dr. Phil and today they have on parents of kids (little kids) who feel they are the wrong gender. In two of the cases the boys felt like they were girls. They wanted to dress in girl clothing, wear barrettes, play with dolls and do "girl" things. In both of these cases, after the parents struggled with it for a while, they allowed their sons to dress like girls and essentially change their outward appearance to female.

When my son was little, he used to want me to paint his fingernails and toenails and he also liked to wear a tutu (like for ballet), lol. In addition, he was facinated with trucks, trains and sports. He no longer wants me to paint his fingernails or dress in girls clothing, but what if he did?

I have an Aunt who always acted like a boy - always. She looked like a boy (strong jaw, narrow build, no hips, etc.) she acted like a boy, she sounded like a boy when she talked, she played sports and overall acted like a boy. No one was really surprised when she "came out of the closet" and announced that she was gay. But is she? If a child is born with male genitalia but feels like a girl, acts like a girl, wants to be a girl and likes boys - Is he homosexual... or a straight girl born with the wrong genetalia? If a child is born with female genitalia but feel like a boy, acts like a boy, wants to be a boy and likes girls - Is she homosexual...or a straight boy born with the wrong genetalia?

When I think about what makes me a woman it isn't because I have hips, breasts and a vagina. I like my body to be feminine, I like to be pampered, I like to have my hair done, I loved the feeling of feeding an infant from my body, I like feeling pretty and sexy and well...womanly. I want a daughter because I want to dress her in pink, do her hair in barrettes and headbands and paint her fingernails. I want to be there when she gets her first bra and have tea parties with her. It doesn't mean that she couldn't love sports, but she can do that and be a girl at the same time. I do!

So anyway - on this show they had some other opinions of folks not in this situation who thought that there was no way that a boy could be born in the wrong body because "God doesn't make mistakes." For parents to allow their kids to express that they feel like another gender is just bad parenting... Are they kidding me? What sane parent would choose to have their child change genders? What sane child would choose to be made fun of at school, looked at funny, ridiculed for being different, etc. They wouldn't.

So blogger fam.. what say you? What makes you male? What makes you female? What attracts you to the opposite sex or the same sex or both? What would you do if your son or daughter came to you and said they wanted to change genders? Do you think that we're born to be the gender that the anatomy between our legs suggests us to be, or do you think that gender is formed in the mind?

Why's it always gotta be the black guy?

WTF is up with these crazy girls always blaming it on the black guy? Seriously - is it because of a racial hatred or is it because people are so uneducated about other cultures that they figure they can use a "one-size-fits-most" description and the "guy" will never be found?

The lady that drowned her kids and blamed it on a big black guy - this crazy chick below who carved a backwards "B" into her face and blamed it on a big black guy - both obviously INSANE!! And when this stuff happens, is it an intentional move to further destroy the image of the African American male or is it the (convenient) inability to provide an accurate description?



Think about Asian Americans - can you pick out the differences in facial or body features of individuals in order to pick the right guy out of a line-up or are most Asians small-framed, brown hair, brown eyes, beige skin, etc.? Do you know how to tell if someone on the street is Chinese, Japanese or Vietnamese or do they all look the same to you?

For European Americans - if you are a European American there are a few more common possibilities: Eye color could be blue or brown - hair color could be brown, blonde, red or black and scars or tattoo's would stand out. But if you aren't white, do you notice the differences? Would you be able to tell if that "white" guy over there was Italian, Jewish or Irish?

For African Americans - if you are African American you learn to notice skin tone, eye color and shape, hair style and color, freckles or not, lip shape, height, weight, etc. But if you aren't black you might describe an African American as having "brown hair, brown eyes, and brown skin, 6' tall, medium build" without being able to describe any other distinctive features because they either never learned, or never spent enough time around other cultures to learn the subtle differences.

Same goes for Mexican Americans or Arab Americans - Do you know what features to look for to provide an accurate description if you really needed to?

I am so glad our society is getting better and better at calling out the crazy and placing blame exactly where it does belong and putting these people in jail - right where they belong. Personally.. I think anyone caught blaming their own crimes on the "big black guy" should get an extra 15 years behind bars.

HR Sex?..

I'm taking an International HR class right now... Is it just me, or does this paragraph sound strangely sexual?

"Hard, soft and contextual goals are often used as the basis for performance criteria."

Hard goals are objective, quantifialble and can be directly measured. (lol - I'll say!)

Soft goals tend to be relationship based and involve interpersonal skills. (When it's soft, you need to have your conversational skills tight!)

Contextual goals attempt to take into consideration factors that result from the situation in which performance occurs. (Dude, better bring your "A" game!)

Scorpio

It's almost my birthday...More about how I feel about this later... for now - here's the Scorpio as defined by www.astrocenter.astrology.msn.com

Beneath a controlled, cool exterior beats the heart of the deeply intense Scorpio. Passionate, penetrating, and determined, this sign will probe until they reach the truth. The Scorpio may not speak volumes or show emotions readily, yet rest assured there's an enormous amount of activity happening beneath the surface. Excellent leaders, Scorpions are always aware. When it comes to resourcefulness, this sign comes out ahead.

Friends and Family

Sincerity and truth are strong components of the Scorpio's friends. It can take some time before really close bonds are formed, but once done, the Scorpio will remain dedicated and loyal. Witty and intellectual, they prefer companions who are humorous and easygoing. Full of surprises, this sign will give you the shirt off their backs if that's what you need, yet once they are crossed, there's no turning back. They feel deeply, and once hurt, it can be impossible to turn things around. Commitment to family is strong and consistent with the Scorpio. They are exceptionally helpful in managing affairs, and they are excellent advocates when needed.

Career and Money

I desire is the key phrase for the Scorpio. They are fantastic at managing, solving, or creating. Once the Scorpio sets their sights on a goal, there's no deterring this sign. Tasks that require a scientific, penetrating approach are always best done by Scorpions as they will delve deeply into the materials they have. Their ability to focus coupled with determination makes for strong management skills. They're not ones to worry about making friends on the job scene; rather, they prefer to see the task accomplished well.

Pursuing such careers as scientist, doctor, investigator, navigator, detective, researcher, police officer, business manager, and psychologist all suit the mighty Scorpio. Respect is an essential aspect of working for this sign. They need to respect their coworkers while also feeling a sense of being respected by others.

Scorpions are disciplined enough to stick to a budget and unafraid of working as hard and as long as it takes to get themselves in a good financial position. Many are fortunate and inherit money. Whatever the case - and regardless of the balance - they are great managers of their dollars and are not apt to overspend. Money means security and a sense of control, which is important to the Scorpio. Therefore, they're going to hang onto the majority of the cash, making decisions carefully before turning any of it over.

Love and Sex

This is the strongest of the sexualities in the Zodiac. Incredibly passionate, the Scorpio takes intimacy seriously. Partners need to be intelligent and honest. Much of the foreplay for this sign happens long before the bedroom through conversation and observation. Once in love, they are devoted and loyal to the death. But relationships can take some time. The Scorpio needs to build trust and respect for a potential mate slowly and thoroughly.

SCORPIO TIDBITS

Health
Each sign has a part of the anatomy attached to it, making this the area of the body that is most sensitive to stimulation. The anatomical areas for Scorpio are the genitals, bladder, rectum, and the reproductive organs.

Ruling Planet
The ruling planet for Scorpio is Pluto. Traditionally, this planet rules that which is hidden from view. It also represents conception, birth, death, slow growth, generation, regeneration, unpopular causes, anonymity, phobias, and the exposition of secrets.

Colors
The colors of choice for Scorpio are dark red and maroon.

Gemstone
Scorpio's star stone is the opal.

Lucky Numbers
Scorpio's lucky numbers are 2, 7, and 9.

Compatibility
Scorpions are most compatible with Pisces and Cancer.

Opposite Sign
The opposite sign of Scorpio is Taurus.

The Perfect Gift
The best gifts for a Scorpio are sentimental choices, clothing (especially something sexy), and non-fiction books.

Likes
Truth, facts, being right, teasing, longtime friends, a grand passion, a worthy adversary

Dislikes
Dishonesty, passive people, revealing secrets

House
Natural sign of the Eighth House. This house focuses on sex, taxes, death and rebirth, a partner's resources, inheritance, and regeneration.

Famous Scorpions
Hillary Clinton, Leonardo DiCaprio, Sean Combs, Julia Roberts

Best travel destination
Zambia, Syria, Norway, Halifax, Liverpool, New Orleans, Washington, D.C.

Strengths
Passionate, stubborn, resourceful, brave, a true friend

Weaknesses
Jealous, distrusting, secretive, violent, caustic

Charismatic marks
An intense look in the eyes, muscular

Best environment
Dark, sensuous places, any situation that offers power or rouses strong feelings

I Spy With My Little Eye....

What can you tell about a person from looking in their cupboards?



I made fried chicken last night - it was sooo good but since a girl has to watch her figure, I only make it a few times a year.. here's a pic:

Waiting...

Part 2 to the Attention Deficit Series

In 1998 when our son was 2, we got pregnant again. By the time I figured out I was pregnant, the pregnancy had self-terminated and I was in the process of losing it. I felt bad at the time and worse later after we broke up, when I knew that was probably the last chance I had at giving my son a full-biological sibling.

Now that I'm 34 I know that the chances of my finding a husband with so few children that he wants to have 1 or 2 more with me before my eggs dry up or become no good are slim at best. For a while it was a constant thought through my mind... What do I do? Do I just find some random guy or a guy I know and get pregnant? Nah, that's not really me. Besides do I know anyone that I want to deal with forever in that way? Nope. Been there, done that.

Sperm bank? Nah - that's just not me either. International Adoption? Can't really afford it on my own and my employer doesn't offer assistance. My mind stopped at many random places but my thoughts didn't get anywhere.

One day I was in the kitchen having these circular thoughts running through my mind. How do I get a little girl with no husband, no potential husband at the moment, and without having a ton of money to spend on adoption? As I was walking into my dining room this voice - an internal voice of no specific gender, and not my voice said: "adopt from foster care" - I stopped dead in my tracks. Wow. Huh. Ok.

I took a moment to take it all in, it just seemed so simple. There are kids, African American kids, Bi-racial kids, Caucasian kids, Hispanic kids, all waiting for good homes and good parents. As soon as I recoverd from that pause in time (it was like the movies when time stops and you get a messege from a higher power (usually Morgan Freeman, lol))

Anyway - I started my Internet research, found an Agency, called - they had a class starting next week, went to all of my classes, got background checked, fingerprinted, had my physicals done, gave my references, filled out at least 3 or 4 large packets of information about my parents, growing up, how I raise my son, and everything in between. Everything just fell into place and nothing was diffiult. It was like I was doing exactly what I was supposed to be doing and the path was being paved for me.

I successfully passed all of my classes and my home study, now I just have to find the little girl that is supposed to be a part of our family. I've called on 2 so far.... Ayana** - A beautiful little 2 year old girl with dark hair and big beautiful brown eyes. Her foster mother decided to adopt her. And Eleana** a one year old little bundle of pure love. I submitted my request on 9/29, and I know the agency had a lot of requests for her. I'm still waiting to hear something, but I find comfort in the feeling that when the right little girl is ready it won't be hard. The path will be cleared for me and will be as easy as the rest of the process has been so far. So I'm not fighting it. I'm just... waiting...

**names changed

I Heart Autumn

My son and I went to the Cider Mill today. It was 78 degrees, beautiful and sunny.
Here's a few pics of our trip:








We bought hotdogs, cider slushes, a gallon of cider to take home, some yummy cinnamon-sugar spiced doughnuts and some chocolate fudge.

First Love

In 1987 I met and dated my first love T.S.  - At first T.S. wouldn't give me the time of day. He was one of my brothers friends and I knew I loved him the first minute that I saw him, even though at the time I was cussing him out for smoking weed with my brother in the garage. I had it bad for T.S.  - I made sure to pass his locker a few times a day. Would go out of my way and be late for my own class just to try and see him in the hallway. To him I was just his friends little sister. To me, he was "the one." After stalking him for a while and getting nowhere I decided to do the next best thing - I ignored him.

No more walking past him on the way to class, no more passing by his locker, no more trying to see him during my day. As much as I tried to see him before, I went out of my way to avoid him now. I wanted him to believe that I was no longer interested and could really care less. Apparently that got him to think I was the greatest thing ever because suddenly the tables were turned and he was the one after me. 

We shared a locker, he wrote me love notes, we got caught making out in the Audio/Visual room. We shared secrets, hopes and dreams. We broke up and got back together a hundred times. And we also shared a psychic connection. One summer after not speaking to him for a while my friends and I were just driving around bored. We were almost home and I decided to turn around and go drive by his house.  

Quick sidebar: 1. he was already graduated and had a house with friends. 2. Gas was $.97 per gallon, and yes, I know I am old.

So anyway - As I was driving by his house I could see that the TV was on, but I didn't know if he was awake or perhaps had a girlfriend that was over so I just kept driving. It was late, almost Midnight. I stayed the night at my girls house that night and went home the next afternoon. When I got home there was a message on my answering machine. "Hey it's T.S., It's about Midnight and I know it's late, but I was just thinking about you and wanted you to know. Give me a call when you can."

Now I know you all are thinkin' he saw her drive by. #1, it was late and #2, I had a different car than he had ever seen. With all the people I had with me, he would have never seen me on the drivers side because his house was on the passenger side of the street. 

There was another time when again, I hadn't talked to him in a minute - I was asleep and I woke up and sat straight up in bed. I looked at the clock - it was 4:45 am and he came to mind. WTF? I went to the bathroom, got back into bed and fell back asleep. As soon as it was a reasonable hour I called his house. His roommate answered - Me: Where's T.S.? His Roommate: I don't know how to tell you this, but T.S. is in the hospital. He got run over by a truck last night on a cigarrette run to the store. Me: What time was that? His roommate: It was late, like 4:30 am.

So after a few times of stuff like this happening, I just figured we were extra connected like some people are. He felt it too. In 1991 I graduated and went off to college. We broke up the summer before I left for school. In the middle of the school year a guy I was dating went psycho and held a knife to my throat and threatened to kill me. After T.S. found out we got back together. He came up to school to see me and in the summer of 1992 he asked me to marry him.

T.S. came from an abusive household. His father would beat him and belittle him and while T.S. was no angel, he wasn't a bad kid. Because of this abuse T.S. had his own demons. He smoked weed, he drank and he had a short fuse. I always knew he loved me but he would break up with me because he thought he would ruin my life. He never verbally abused me, he never physically abused me, he never mentally abused me - but he did push me away many, many times.

During the summer we got engaged we started making plans. He was going to join the service and as soon as he got out of boot camp I would come to wherever he was going to be stationed. He would be in the service and I could go back to college wherever we were going to be. We were going to have a November wedding and a few kids a few years later. I was so happy we finally got to a place where we could be together and I could love his past hurt and pain away. He was supposed to ship out October 15. About 2 weeks prior to that he broke up with me again. He was sorry, he just couldn't do it. He didn't want to ruin my life. I didn't understand then, but now I do. T.S. was wise beyond his years. I gave him an ultimatum. He didn't follow through.

I still have the love notes from high school and I still know exactly where they are. I saw him about 8 years ago. But that's another story for another day..... 

Attention Deficit

I find myself lost in thought a lot lately mulling over a few different situations that are going on. I was going to write about a few of them today, but I decided to save some for another post.. Here's the first of the many issues I have on my mind:

Child Support Issues / Court Date

Because my son turned 12 this year the day care expenses of my child support dropped off. That's about $50 a week or $200 a month. Unfortunately, because my son goes to a school outside of our district (a charter school), he has no way to get home after school (no busses) and so I still have to pay after-school care. So basically my expenses don't change but I lose $200 a month at a time when like everyone else, I'm already struggling to save money.

Since it's been a few years since our original court appearance I requested a review of our order. The court came back with a reasonable increase but based it on me having our son 290 overnights per year and his dad (I use that term loosly) having him 75 overnights per year. Uh. His dad has NEVER had him overnight except when we were together and I was always there. So now we have to go back to court so I can argue my point. His dad has no visitation rights (never asked for them), so I'm not sure if this is something new the court is doing or what.

I mean, If he is willing to start taking him every other weekend and for a few weeks in the summer - then I'm good with the child support increase as is, otherwise they need to adjust it. I am also going to ask for 50% reimbursement of any day-care expenses that I have. I think that's fair for him to only pay for half of what I actually pay.

Even though I am nervous about having to go to court again, it's not the actual court process that has my thoughts racing. I don't mind going to court, most of the time I get asked for my business card because people think I'm a lawyer. I'm usually in a suit, carrying my attache case and have all of my points outlined and documents prepared. He on the other hand usually comes in wearing his latest Enyce or Sean John looking like he's ready to hang with the fellas. Classy.

What I am more nervous about is his reactionary nature. While he is usually a cool-customer messing with his money gets him angrier than anything else. I've managed to get through the last 12 years unscathed, but I always wonder if he will get mad or desperate enough one day to just say fcuk it and go off. Guess we'll see!

I never back down to a bully, the only people that scare me are the quiet ones.

Tagged

I got tagged in an e-mail..I'll participate but I'm not passing it on. If you want to answer them, go for it!

60 thing​s you didn'​t know about​ me until​ you read this.​.​.​

1)​What color​ is your tooth​brush​?​ Pink and White
2)​What were you doing​ 45 minut​es ago? Eating dinner and playing Mad Gab with my son
3)​What is your favor​ite candy​ bar? Mounds
4)​Have you ever been to a strip​ club?​ Yes, my friend told me I wouldn't so of course I did
5)​What is the last thing​ you said aloud​?​ Goodnight Peanut (to my son)
6)​What is the best ice cream​ flavo​r?​ Eskimo Kisses (dark chocolate and coconut)
7)​What was the last thing​ you had to drink​?​ Water
8)​What are you weari​ng right​ now? Jogging pants and a t-shirt
9)​What was the last thing​ you ate? Acorn Squash
10)​Have you bough​t any new cloth​ing items​ this week? ​Nope, but I need to find something to wear for Friday night
11)​When was the last time you ran? Today after work, 2 miles at the gym on the treadmill
12)​Who was the last perso​n to send you a text messa​ge?​ MS, who is now married, but still fantasizes about me in my high heels and thigh highs.
13)​Do you take vitam​ins daily​?​ Sometimes I take a multi and calcium. I try to get my vitamins in my food.
14) Do you go to churc​h every​ Sunda​y?​ Nope... church is all of God's creation
15)​Do you have a tan? Yep, it's the end of summer and I have flip flop tan lines on my feet
16)​Do you like Chine​se food over pizza​?​ Not necessarily
17)​Do you drink​ your soda with a straw​?​ On the rare occassion that I drink soda, yes
18)​What did your last text messa​ge say? "lol"
19)​Are you someo​nes best frien​d? ​No
20)​What are you doing​ tomor​row?​ Work, school, workout, dinner, shower, bed
21)​Where​ is your dad? He is at home, sitting in his easy chair
22)​Look to your left,​ what do you see? The TV, an Eva Longoria commercial
23) What color​ is your watch​?​ Silver and Gold with diamonds
24)​Do you use chaps​tick?​ No, lipgloss
25)​What is your birth​stone​?​ Citrine (November)
26)​Do you go in at a fast food place​ or just hit the drive​ throu​gh?​ Drive through
27)​Do you have a dog? Yes, I have a pit bull
28)​Last guy you talke​d on the phone​ with?​ The one I love
29)​Last girl you talke​d on the phone​ with?​ My girl DZ
30)​Any plans​ today​?​ Laundry, TV, Book, Bed
31)​Do you dye your hair?​ Color and highlights - sure do
32)​Bigge​st annoy​ance in your life right​ now? Not knowing when I am going to get my daughter
33)​Can you say the alpha​bet backw​ards?​ Alpha​bet backw​ards
34)​Do you have a maid servi​ce clean​ your house​?​ lol, I wish
35)​Are you jealo​us of anyon​e?​ I'm jealous of those who love more than I love, and who give more than I give.
36)​Do you love anyon​e?​ I do
37)​Do any of your frien​ds have child​ren?​ Yes - lots
38)​Do you hate anyon​e that you know right​ now? These questions belong on myspace
39)​Do you use the word hello​ daily​?​ Yes
40)​Do you like cats?​ Um sure - but I'm allergic
41)​Have you ever been to Six Flags​?​ Yes
42)​How did you get your worst​ scar? ​Surgical breast biopsy - August 2006
43)​How old was your mom when you were born?​ 23
44)​What is your favor​ite smell​?​ Pink grapefruit
45)​What was the last dvd you watch​ed?​ First Sunday
46)​Do you like sudok​u?​ What's that?
47)​Have you ever been to Disne​y World​?​ Yes, I went as a kid and I took my son last Nov.
48)​What is your favor​ite numbe​r?​ 13
49)​Do you toast​ your Pop Tarts​?​ No and I only like the edges, I throw away the middle
50) Have you ever waite​d table​s?​ For one weekend
51)​Do you vote?​ Yes Obama/Biden 08
52)​Do you belie​ve in reinc​arnat​ion?​ Yes
53)​What is your zodia​c sign?​ Scorpio
54)​Do you work out? Yes and I think I am going to be sore tomorrow
55)​Are you/​do you want to be marri​ed?​ I want to marry the one I love
56)​Do you remem​ber the "​Pepsi​ wave"​? No
57)​Do you like clown​s?​ Indifferent
58)​What is your favor​ite anima​l(​s)​?​ No favorites
59)​Do you have/​want child​ren?​ Have a son age 12, trying to adopt a daughter - age unknown, would love to get married and have one more.
60)​Do you enjoy​ wasti​ng time on random tags? It gives me something to post without really trying

Cooking

I love to cook. I wish I had a bigger kitchen with a dishwasher so that cleanup after cooking was a little more convenient - but whatever.

I was perusing Darius T. Williams cooking blog here yesterday. He takes pictures during the cooking process and once his creations are plated to show the end result. I thought that was fun, so after I made dinner last night I took pictures.

My sister-in-law and brother were in town from NC, so my sister came over to have girls night with me. Botanas are a family favorite and my sister is allergic to wheat, gluten, flour, etc. so while planning our dinner I decided homemade Spicy Shrimp Botana and Mango Margaritas were the way to go. We diced, we chopped, we blended, we melted and the end result - a beautiful, bountiful, botana:







We also made some fresh salsa:

And some fabulous Mango Margaritas:

You'll notice my sister's was half gone before I could get the camera out!
We ended up drinking almost a 5th of Tequila in 2 pitchers of Margaritas... it might explain my resistance to getting up for work this morning.. lol.

Margarita anyone?

Bored

This blog is becoming more of an update rather than anything of substance. What should I write about? The next person that reads this blog - pick a topic or something you want to know and I will write about it. I'm still new to this and it takes some getting used to.

My son is at my mother's, my homework is done even though I still haven't received my book that I ordered 5 days ago (usually here overnight), I took a nap earlier so I'm not sleepy and so far I have no plans for the evening.

The one I love has his kids this week so spending time with him is out. We don't share personal time with kid time yet, although I have met his kids and he has met my son.

It's so infrequent that I have two minutes of down time that I'm not sure what to do with myself! Staying in my sweats in front of the TV is a definite option. All the interesting books in my house have been read and I don't read many books more than once. If I still had the "Secret Life of Bees" I would re-read that for the blogger bookclub. Maybe I will just go buy it so I can participate.

So last night I get a call from my (now married) ex-boyfriend. He was drunk as a skunk (something I have never seen or heard in the 4 years I have known him.) He called to tell me that I am one of the greatest people he has ever known. Something he has also told me while sober, lol. I sent him a text today to see how he was feeling... so far no response!

When was the last time you got or made a drunk-dial? Where you the dialer or the receiver?

WTF?

The older I get the stranger my sleep habits become. It's 6:11 am Saturday morning. I never get up this early - it's the weekend, so I for sure don't have to get up this morning. And here I am - wide awake.

So - I guess I will shower, do some laundry and maybe get started on those dishes I ignored last night.

TGIF

This week was a rush of work, football practices, a date with the one I love on Monday, a visit and dinner with my brother and sister-in-law who are in town from NC on Thursday and today we had a spaghetti dinner at school plus our homecoming football game. Whew!

When did life get so busy?

Now I'm sitting here listening to the presidential debate. I can't stand to listen to John McCain, I also can't stand to listen to his mistress...I mean VP.

People, we HAVE got to make sure that Obama gets into office!

10 Weeks 6 Days

It's been ten weeks and six days since my son has seen anyone on his dad's side of the family. His paternal grandfather drives by my house twice a day, every day, once on his way to work, and once on his way home. Despite my invitation to feel welcome to call, come by, or what have you, he still has not, does not.

My son's father moved back into town a month ago after living out of state for 2 years. Has he taken the time to see his child? Nope.

I feel sad for my son that his father doesn't get it.

I used to feel anger toward his family for barging into his life 3 years ago unannounced, uninvited, and just barely welcome. Then I loved his family because they endeared themselves to me and cared for my son and now I feel rejected by his family for being so passive about their involvement with my son.

Since his dad came back into his life 2 years ago they have retreated little by little. Back into oblivion. He might see them on holiday's - maybe. I think my son has seen them twice this year. Three times at most. They live 20 minutes away.

One part of me thinks - fuck them, their loss, they ignored that child for 9 years, shouldn't have expected it to last long. The apple doesn't fall too far from the tree.

One part of me thinks - How dare they come into his life, then walk away.

One part of me thinks - Have I done something wrong? Did I offend them away?

One part of me thinks - I should call them, have a grown up conversation, clear the air. Maybe they don't see.

What does it take to get your family to see that you need them? How does a 12 year old little boy tell his dad, I need you? He doesn't. He gets angry, he gets pissed, he shuts down. He says "I don't care" when I know he does.

My son used to ask me for a new daddy. "Momma, can you get married so I can have a new daddy, mine isn't very good." He stopped asking a few years ago, adolecence and detachment set in.

Sick & Tired

Woke up Friday morning with some nasty lucifer-invading-my-sinuses-throat-and-lungs thing. Still had to go to work Friday, still had to run around getting gifts and decorations for my dad's 60th birthday party on Saturday afternoon, still had to spend two and a half hours in the pouring rain under an umbrella watching my son play football Saturday evening. By ten pm last night, I felt like I was near utter exhaustion.

Today. Today I'm spending in my pajamas, on the couch, under the covers with the TV on and hot tea in hand.

Because tomorrow it's back to normal. Pray for me.

Say What You Need To Say

Take all of your wasted honor. Every little past frustration. Take all of your so called problems, Better put 'em in quotations. Say what you need to say.

Walkin' like a one man army, Fightin' with the shadows in your head. Livin' up the same old moment Knowin' you'd be better off instead If you could only...Say what you need to say.

Have no fear for givin' in. Have no fear for giving over. You better know that in the end It's better to say too much, than never to say what you need to say again.

Even if your hands are shaking, And your faith is broken. Even as the eyes are closin', Do it with a heart wide open. Say what you need to say. Say what you need to, Say what you need to... Say what you need to say. - John Mayer from The Bucket List soundtrack

I have someone that I love. He doesn't know. We're friends, we're lovers, we're parents to different children with different lives and different homes. I loved him so much I walked away in January. He brought me back to him in June. I feel loved, honored, respected, challenged, engaged, admired.

He hasn't said the words. And neither have I.

"Say what you need to say. Say what you need to say." Every time I hear this song I want to call him and tell him. "I love you." Even if you don't love me back, even though I think you do. I love you. I love your fingers when they grab my hair in a passionate kiss. I love your attention to the little changes in my appearance. I love the father that you are to your children, the son that you are to your parents and the brother that you are to your sister. I love you for making tough decisions and taking risks. I love you because you are supportive, honest, caring and intellegent.

I love you because when we didn't speak for a while I missed you every day, and I am so glad to have you back in my life.

"Even if your hands are shaking, And your faith is broken. Even as the eyes are closin', Do it with a heart wide open. Say what you need to say."

If I knew today was the last day, I would tell him. If I knew this was my last minute, I would tell him. The next second isn't promised to me and yet I wait. And I love him. And I show him, not in the words that I say, but in the actions of my being. I hope he knows.

What does it take?

I have a scheduling conflict. My son has his homecoming football game the same day as my cousin's wedding. I give my son the option of skipping the game or skipping the wedding since it doesn't seem likely that we can fit both in. Illogically...because I know better, I call his father.

Me: I have a wedding next month on Saturday and our son has his homecoming game, can you take him.

Him: No, I don't know if I'm going to have to work or not.

Me: So even with a month's notice, you can't commit to making sure you have the day off to take him to his game?

Him: No.

End of conversation.

I call a male friend...

Me: Hi friend, I have a wedding next month on Saturday and my son has his homecoming game, can you take him?

Friend: Absolutely, I will check my work schedule and if I have to work I will switch with someone or take the day off.

So why is it that my friend, who is of no relation to my son, who is not trying to get in my pants, who just loves me for me is more willing to do for my child than his own father? What does it take to get a man to be a man? Do what you're supposed to do. Handle your business.

At what point do your children become more important that your job? At what point do you say - I might be making money to support my kids, but that's all they are getting. They're not getting my time, they're not getting my attention, they're not learning from me, they're not experiencing my love. But hey. The bills get paid.

I work full time, I go to school part time, I own a house, I own a dog, I work out, I raise a young man by myself which includes taking him to school & football or basketball or cross country or soccer 5 to 6 days a week, making sure his clothes, sports equipment and his behind are washed, his homework is done, he has uniforms ready for school, he has lunch or lunch money ready to go, the permission slips, physical papers, school forms are signed, the house is clean & smells good, the dog is walked, gas is in the car, the lawn is mowed, the plants are watered, dinner is made, I do my own homework, I check in on my friends and family AND still find the time for an occassional date..... and you? Well you don't do any of those things. But hey. You go to work. Now that's a great dad.

Monday again....

It's Monday again. An elderly friend of the family passed away over the weekend. The world lost a good man, but he had a good life. We'll be supporting the family at funeral events over the next few days, and I think I will order some flowers today. I was thinking Calla Lillies, but I don't know if they are in season. Why do we order flowers for the dead more than for the living? I want all my flowers while I'm alive thank you very much. I don't want a funeral anyway. Nor do I want to be buried. Not that cremation sounds pleasant, but a better option for me.

What about you? Horse & carriage? Big to-do? Burial? Funeral? Cremation?

I need to get a move on for work - Peace, love and may you and your loved ones have a blessed day.

UPDATE: I looked online at flowers, most arrangements were $100 or more, so I went during lunch to a local florist. They had ordered dozens of white roses for a wedding and had some left over. He promised me all he had left (20 or more) in a nice bouquet with a vase for $45. Beautiful!